Girl Fail

I’ve really driven home the point this week, I think, that I am failing Girl.

For one, shouldn’t I be able to find shoes?  Don’t we have some sort of built in shoe-dar that hones in on cute shoes on sale? We get all giddy and hoppy and call our friends, relatives, and one night stands to let them know about our find. Then we celebrate with expensive coffee and that pink t-shirt with rhinestones (ALLY, I blame you) we’ve been eyeing because after all, we did save money on the shoes!  Well, no. No, we don’t.  I have one more option to shop before I throw in the towel and buy the blue feet shoes.  Thing is, they really are adorable.  And they have rhinestones, so… who’s complaining? Beauty is pain as they say. (They being the masochistic, cage shoe wearing, fashion industry executives. Bitches.)

Let’s talk hair… I started the hair trials today. Thing is, apparently I don’t know how to do my hair. I followed the instructions for the Double Bump-it French Twist: I parted my hair at the crown of my head, right above my ears. I clipped it up there Clean & Clear commercial style. I teased the bottom three quarters of my hair. Pony-tailed. Twisted. Bobby pinned my scalp, which I have to say was quite uncomfortable. I inserted both bump-its. “Twirled hair into a circle”, pinned that to my frontal lobe. And Voi… ‘t the fuck!?

I could see the Bump-its. Plus, in the rear view mirror, I saw my tag sticking out, but also about 5,487 bobby pins and loose hair. How is that even possible? In addition to the airport security nightmare I had created on the back of my skull, I was also home to a Spring Fashion Week hairstyle, just add flies. (Did you *see* last year’s Catwalk… Heaven help us.) Clearly I was not taking a picture of the car wreck that was the back of my head.

So I tried it again. This time sans Bump-its…

Did I lick windows when I was a child? How can I not figure this out? The second style was worse than the first. I looked like I used to have a French Twist, but was then attacked in a dark alley with every size and color of comb.

Speaking of combs… when I tried the third time (it’s not the charm) the teasing comb got stuck in my hair and therefore trial number three was aborted with haste.

Women used to do this all the time back in the day! My grandma practically invented the beehive! Am I missing something? Is there a specific gene I’m supposed to have to correctly up-do my own hair?

I have to walk away from this for a minute. Clearly there is a great amount of research and Googling involved in this hot mess of a situation. I’m not one to give up that easily. I promised pictures. You will have pictures. And something for which to vote upon. I had this thought during trial three when the comb tried to bite me, what if you all hate the French Twist and I end up going down with curls? Then all of this will have been for naught. But now that I’m so frustrated with my lack of girlie genes, I am so going to master this uppity ‘do, just to prove to myself that I’m not a man. I’m awesome at makeup though, so I suppose that’s my one claim to female-dom. And I really do love shoes.

I still feel like a giant dumb ass though. I can curl and style my hair all kinds of awesome when it’s down. My French Twist needs the encyclopedia.

Winning Salt’s giveaway would make me feel so much better. I can wear cute black and white aprons like a champ and cook too! But I’ll give you the link anyway, just in case you can’t do your hair either. Sharing the love and all that. Plus, it’s her 100th post in four months and that’s beyond impressive. Go visit her and enter the giveaway!

In other news, or in THE news… Haiti. I know, I really hate that I am ending this otherwise funny post on a sad note but it needs to be said. These people need help and there are some great bloggers out there that have set up ways for us to join in the effort. Google also has a page all about this enormous disaster relief. Check them out and do your part.

Google’s Haiti Help Page

Classy Chaos is donating $1 per comment on her delurking post. So go ahead and comment! (A very creative idea if you have the means to do so!)

Also, Hope for Haiti is giving away some great prizes to raise money for the relief. All you have to do is purchase the $1 raffle tickets to enter.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those effected by this horrific tragedy. May there be some peace and healing for you in the days to come.

9 Responses to Girl Fail
  1. Allyson
    January 16, 2010 | 12:53 am

    I would love to give you a step-by-step French Twist guide, complete with a diagram and little pointy arrows that show exactly where to hide the bobby pins for best hold with least visibility. But. I can’t. Because the only updo I’ve managed to master is the ponytail. It’s so sad. I can’t even french braid. I feel like I should turn in my Girly-Girl Membership card with this confession. I once cut my hair as short as I could go just so I wouldn’t have Up-do Ineptitude Guilt. Oh wait…I take that back…I did manage to master the banana clip. What about that? Is the banana clip out for this wedding? Maybe blue to match your feet! Sorry I can’t be of more help. Something tells me Sarah would be invaluable in this area. Or Salt.

  2. Allison
    January 16, 2010 | 7:00 am

    Thanks for stopping by on my SITS day! I LOVED all the comment love and now I’m here to spread it around!

    oh how weird is it that the first two comments are by people named Allison?

  3. Christine
    January 16, 2010 | 8:50 am

    ‘Did I lick windows when I was a child?’…LMAO. That was hysterical…and got me to thinking…is that a Bad thing? I knew that the paint chips & glue were off-limits, but nobody told me about the window thing. My poor kids. :D

    I failed at girl too. I pay for up-dos. I’ve never given myself one, but I did use my daughter as a cosmo rat for a dance or two. But just little dances, like snowball & stuff…never ever for Homecoming or Prom. I pay the piper for those. So seriously…kudos to you for even buying a bump-it.
    Speaking of bump-its….I think the girl in the Progressive commercials has a BIG bump-it. At least I hope that’s what THAT is.

  4. sarah
    January 16, 2010 | 10:25 am

    well, i’m no help in the hair department because 1) i’ve never done an updo on anyone, let alone myself and 2) i have an afro so i don’t really have to worry about such things. sorry! but, i love your haiti links (and went over to classy chaos and added my comment!) i also wanted to add that you can text “Haiti” to 90999 and it will donate $10 to the Red Cross to help their efforts. It just gets added to your next phone bill. Good luck with the hair trials, lovie, and the shoe search as well!

  5. Newlywed & Unemployed
    January 16, 2010 | 2:58 pm

    Maybe your hair’s too fine for a French twist? Mine is.. no matter the ratting.

    I too fail at girl when it comes to many things. Hair, especially. Ponytails are my friends and I have a treaty with the curling iron. It was a big deal when I even purchased a hair dryer – let alone learned how to use a diffuser when I went to a stylist to get my hair layered and get bangs cut. That was a huge huge leap.

    Stickin’ close to hear the rest of these adventures!

  6. Elle
    January 16, 2010 | 4:20 pm

    You are NOT alone! I fail at many, many girl things including hair, shoes, shopping (I HATE shopping with every fiber of my being), and cooking (though I can handle baking.

  7. erin jo
    January 17, 2010 | 5:31 pm

    girl! completing a french twist IS NOT as easy as it seems! i graduate cosmo school in less than a month and i know TONS of girls there that still cant do them and probably never will.
    and forgive me, but a bump it? dont do it..
    do you have trouble backcombing [ratting//teasing//whatever you call it]? because i can totally try and walk you through that.. i would love to help doll.. but just please dont use that bump it!

  8. foxy
    January 18, 2010 | 3:48 pm

    Man, I wish I were there to help you with your ‘do’!! I mastered the art of the french twist when I was in ballet for all those 15 years.

  9. Amanda West
    January 18, 2010 | 11:44 pm

    Haha. I’m a cosmetology student and I still have issues doing my own hair. Don’t feel bad.

    Love your blog!

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