Layovers Blow
So, I’m back….sort of.
I’m sitting in the Vegas airport. Laid over. Hung over. Just… over. For thirteen God-forsaken, freak-filled, Starbucks coffee overloaded fucking hours. It’s been a long exhausting really fantastic week. I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Things like Mayan Calendar readings. Bachelorette party what the fucks. And why I’m very sure I’ll be eloping if I ever find an eligible single man. Really. Don’t get me wrong, this week was an absolute blast. Train wrecks and all but seriously guys… I think I’d rather have someone poke me repeatedly with a pin on my wenis than have to sit in this airport for 13 hours or have to go to three different hardware stores looking for the appropriately colored ropes for the “God Knot” ceremony. (Which was cute… but I will not be implementing that in my ceremony. Just.. “I really fucking do. I wanna be your wife, have your babies, fight about socks and get wrinkly butts together.” That’s it.)
So a few reasons the Vegas airport sucks. There’s nothing to do when you have twenty dollars. I mean sure, I could go all Granny Smith and throw a quarter in the slot machine but knowing my luck the machine would end up charging me for playing. I can see it now!
*she presses her 25 cent piece through the hole in the bright lights, big city gambling machine*
Machine: Please insert debit card.
UnLucky: Wait… what?
Machine: Please insert debit card.
UnLucky: Since when you do have to pay for losing on a slot machine?
Machine: Please insert debit card.
UnLucky: But I didn’t do anything wrong!
Machine: Please insert debit card.
UnLucky: *kicks machine*
Machine: Please insert debit card and first born child.
UnLucky: Shit.
Great people watching but also depressing when you haven’t showered. The girls walking around with perfect makeup and cute outfits with tiny thighs and Coach bags are especially depressing. I feel like I smell funny and look like someone ran half my face through a meat grinder. Plus, tennis shoes and bed head. I have 7 hours left and 10 dollars. Going to have to choke down granola bars the rest of the way because *har har har* the 10 dollars is going to have to go toward more water bottles. Guess what you can’t get on airplanes! Yeah, water bottles. You have to take your water in a cup now and if you ask for more, you get the stink eye. I’m thinking the $600 I paid might cover some in-flight hydration but apparently, I would be wrong. I would be so wrong that even if I’m coughing, losing my voice and dropping Emergen-C like an alcoholic drops alka-seltzer, it’s still an unbelievably asinine request. Bitches.
I’ve seen some pretty amazing get ups though. I saw a man in all teal spandex pants, accompanied (of course) by a terry cloth jacket (?) in a giant hot pink and orange checker pattern, lined in teal to coordinate with matching orange shoes (slippers). The best part? The gray t-shirt with the words “fork you”. Hm… no thanks!
Not long after that a guy walked in front of me, took off ONE shoe, did a strange stretch/push up for about one minute, returned his shoe to his foot, took his bag and walked off. *raised eyebrow*
So, I land tomorrow at 10:30am and drive the hour and a half home. And then I’m sleeping until 2011. When I can form complete sentences again I will tell you about the 14 hour battle of the wedding cake and how I had to go buy more supplies at 9 at night due to buttercream fail. See you on the other side of my dreams!
And a HUGE thank you to Salt and Ally for the FANTASTIC guest blog. Let’s give it up for these amazing ladies! I promise I will use my big girl words tomorrow. For now, that’s all I have, sorry.
Posted on January 31, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.
Welcome back Kallay…. or Welcome Almost Back!
I’m sorry to say that I’m so glad that it’s you and not me on that adventurous layover. Enjoy it as much as you can and get some much needed sleep girl!
Can’t wait to see pictures and hear all about your trip!
xoxox,
Shelli
http://shellilynn.wordpress.com
p.s. Care to come to Cali to do my AHR Wedding Cake?!?
YAY!!! I’m SOOO glad you’re back (or actually in the air, but should be home shortly). I can’t WAIT to hear about this adventure. I kept thinking you would hook up with somebody in the Vegas airport, but definitely not Mr. Teal Jeans or Mr. Freaky Exercise with a Foot Fetish guy.
Glad you enjoyed the fruit of mine and Salt’s labor. I’m genuinely skerd of what you’re going to do to mine next moth.
I hope you got some goooood sleep. 13 hour layover OMG I’d kill myself. You are a trooper!!! Glad to have you back!!! ox
Well, geeesh. If that’s the best you can do, I guess we’ll have to accept it.
LMAO, are U kidding? That was a fab post and I’m so psyched to hear about the good stuff, like…..buttercream fail?
Catch ya later when your heads not beddy.
You are probably back by now thank goodness!! Have a safe drive home and we’ll see you in 2011.
Oh yay! I can’t wait to hear about everything. And yes, their guest post was fucking fantastic. They do rock.
Be safe on your drive back and sleep until you can’t sleep anymore.
Dude. Kallay. 13 hours?? You could have WALKED home in that time! Wow. I think I would have shoved a dull pencil into my right eyeball.
I look forward to your conscious posts!!!
Oh crap, 13 hour layover. That sucks!
Stopped over from SITS.
Stopping by from SITS to say welcome and we’re glad you joined!
Welcome *almost* home. Your UNCONSCIOUS post is even great!
Can’t wait until you came back and I hear more about your adventures!
Came by to welcome you to SITS! We’re happy to have you with us!
Ugh whats going on with the airports? 13 hours? atleast theres free wifi!
you’re baaaaack!! and by the sounds of it, you didn’t end up leaving your life behind to pursue a life of gypsy-dom (aka prostitution) in vegas! yay! that is quite an accomplishment, my friend. cause i totally would’ve. by the way… spandex guy would probably get along really well from my old neighbor from back home… he used to run around town with superman undies over a pair of white spandex pants. SEXY. anyhoo, get some rest and come back here soon to fill us in on all the dramz! love love!
Welcome back Miss Lady!
My hubs saw you comment on my FB yesterday and he was all, “Who is that???” I explained and he was all, “That’s weird.” And THEN I explained how cool you are and he was all, “I give up.”
He just doesn’t get the blog world. Poor him.
You really ARE sleeping until 2011! Come back soon!
Oooh, a bad case of jet lag, yeah? Just checking in to see if you’ve had a shower and have woken up from your nap yet. You up?