I have too much on the brain to do a one hit wonder today so here we go with another Monday Mosaic. (It is Monday, right?) I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I’ve got Jiffy Pop in the skull.
First of all, I had to say this AGAIN, because I’m just bursting with pride, but Sarah darling… I am so proud of you! Congratulations on your new job and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! What a fantastic gift to receive!
I went out with my sister and brother in law this weekend to a comedy show that her dad puts on called Jerry & Jerry. Him and his friend Jerry (go figure) have been doing the show for 17 years and they. are. hilarious. In addition to the songs about peeing, pooping, boobs and vaginas… (yeah… totally my brand of humor) they had a drinking game that I cannot get out of my head. It goes a little something like this:
(sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree)
The fireman’s band, the fireman’s band
Here’s my heart and here’s my hand.
Do you really really think,
We should pause and have a drink?
PAUSE DRINK
(and then you drink… I ran out of drink. <—sad face)
We also had to "buck" like chickens and sing along to all kinds of other songs. I remember some sort of song about toast too, complete with percussion on a toaster. I was the DD… you'd think I would remember more. Sober fail! Afterwards was just a whole lot of drunken fun (for everyone who was drinking). Bumper chairs, more sing-a-longs, a lot of talk about balls and penises… It was insane. I had a blast though. I haven't laughed that hard since well, since last Thursday when my mom told me I came out of her ass.
Speaking of last week…. I finally went to the doctor. (hold your applause) I have to go back on Wednesday to hear the results from the tests I did this morning. Have you ever had to do a three hour glucose test? Well, it sucks. You have to become a gastronome of carbs (commiseration) for three days, starve yourself after 10 pm on Sunday and then wake up with the chickens the next day, NOT drink coffee (!!!asinine!!!), drink warm orange drink, and then sit in a waiting room for 4 hours while they poke you alternatively in both arms every hour on the hour making me an extremely fractious and hypnagogic individual. Yeah… funs! They sent my DNA to the lab to count my blood, test it for this, that and the other thing, plus blood sugar. I find out on Wednesday if I’m going to live or not. Party hats!
In case you’re counting down… we’re at T minus 4 days until the big meet and greet. Who’s excited about meeting the man of her dreams??? Kallerina Ballerina. That’s who. I’ll probably be mostly MIA after Friday night until approximately Monday night when I’ll gush my brains/heart out. Luckily for me, you all seem to enjoy my heartfelt squish posts. Speaking of heartfelt squish posts… I’ll be guest blogging over on Salt’s blog next week sometime since she’s off getting hitched on an island. (Congratulations lady!!) She made us all do rain dances last week and wouldn’t you know it? They worked. Go us!
In other news… I saw Whip It! this weekend. It reminded me of something I always do when I watch movies about driving fast or sports or FBI Agents. I become them. Case in point: I went to see the last Fast and the Furious in the theater and when I left, Peanut was my race car and I was Danika Patrick. I was really missing my Mazda that night because when I went to leave the parking lot all Dukes of Hazard, Peanut laughed at me and failed to accelerate so I ended up over revving the engine and looking like an egregious dumb ass instead. Do you do this? When I watch movies where people (FBI Agents) shoot guns and run a lot? I want to join the Armed Forces and do jumpy shooting moves, fly through the air like a movie star and hit my target in the head. Oh… and run with my hair down. (Think Will Smith in Bad Boys or Angelina Jolie in… well in every movie that she stars in.) So watching this Roller Derby thing made me want to go buy roller skates and roll around my neighborhood. Unfortunately, my clutzometer is in full force lately, which basically means I’d be flying wheels over elbows through the air into a large snow bank, breaking a few bones and losing a boob. I’m telling you, movies make me wanna do stupid shit.
Things I saw around the internet that also make me want to do stupid shit…
Like read this book. (because clearly I need a new To Do List)
Or make a Peeps Diorama. (This is totally Caroline’s Fault with a capital F. Also, Fred used to love peeps. But he liked to wait until they were ROCK hard and then eat them. I don’t even like them soft. Yeah, yeah… TWSS.)
Or fish. (R and I talk about fishing about once every conversation (about 10 times a day). It’s ridiculous. Today we got into a discussion about Asian Carp and how much I hate them. They’re evil little bastard fish who can break your fucking neck. ‘Nough. Said. R wants to eat one. Of course he does! He’s a guy. They like to conquer things like asshole fish and walking dinner aka venison aka Bambi aka DEER. It’s rather charming really.)
I joined The Lady Bloggers Society too! Did you SEE THAT!? They had pink on their button. Like *I* could resist that!? Anyway, don’t worry. They use the term Lady as loosely as I do because Lord knows ladies don’t talk about bodily functions as much as I do. But Hello! I chew with my mouth closed and know when to cross my ankles versus legs, so there. Also? Napkin goes on the lap, not on my collar. But I will totally talk about farting because it’s funny and sometimes I’m a five year old. Meh. :/
That’s it for today. My brain is all over the world and back again today. I don’t know why, I just feel like a ruh-TARD! Probably has something to do with the withholding of precious coffee this morning. That was just mean and wrong.
Top of the evening to you!
Hi Kallay — I’m so glad you commented on my blog, and thanks so much for giving me points for my synopsis. I love points. Even the imaginary kind. I do hope you like the book — expect ideas, not answers. And you should check out the website too: http://www.happiness-project.com
I can’t even begin to comment on this entire post (love it), but on the subjects of Peeps, have you ever used them to joust before? You lose a good peep, perhaps, and risk ruining your microwave, but it’s so worth the fun, especially if done with a couple friends, late at night or maybe drunk.
{xoxo}
Brandi
I’m finish up eat, pray, love and then I want to start this. I’m having a very introspective month. I love it!
I so need more details on this microwaving the peeps thing. My friend Caroline is coming this week… I think this might be something we need to try!
Thank you so much for coming by!!
Love your randomness in your Mosaic blog posts!!
You make my day!!
Yay!!!!
That right there is why I write at all. To make your day!
Love the humor and the style, can’t wait for the first book.
You mean the one where I meet my dream guy? Already in the works…
Oh my gosh your randomness makes me so happy. It’s like being high on caffeine. Which is always wonderful.
Agreed! Who doesn’t love caffeine???
I’ve never wanted to be an action hero, because I’m way too uncoordinated. But when I read a blog about running it makes me want to go for a run…bad knee and hip be damned. Then I don’t go for a run and I feel lazy. Also, Julie and Julia made me want to wear an apron and cook my way through Julia Child’s book too…but I then I remembered the part about the aspic and changed my mind.
okay, first and foremost… AWW YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND!!! thank you for the congrats, lady! i should be updating soon about start dates and my official title and whether or not i’ll get business cards, yadda yadda yadda but thank you soo much! you (more than just about anyone, really) know how much this gig means to me and how LONG of a time coming it has been! now… onto more important things like… 4 FREAKIN’ DAYS?!!! where did the time go?! i haven’t even been able to prepare yet! wait, wait. i know this isn’t about me. but it’s monumental! to ME! because lord knows ive lived vicariously through you for the past…oh, almost 5 (jesuschrisssss!) years now? so why not a little longer, eh? anywho you have my number and i want up-to-date texts about the whole thing. i refuse to wait for you to come down from the clouds to blog about it. (well, i mean, i COULD wait. but i don’t wanna) have a great day, lovely!
YES! I can’t wait for you to meet the dream guy!!
SOOOOOO EXCITED!!
And you’re finishing up eat pray love, huh? LOVED that one. I just finished Best Friends Forever (the ending made me smile) and I’m about to finish Certain Girls (probably tonight). Then I’m starting Committed – which is the book that comes after eat pray love. I’m so excited to start it…
Cheers girlie… and let us know what you find out. Hope all comes out well.
eat pray love is amaze balls. Liz can write in tiny print and keep me flipping pages like nothing. I love it!! (I love all of Jennifer Weiner’s books but Certain Girls is definitely in the top 3.)
Also… two more days! And I’m officially not sleeping. LOL I’m so excited I can barely stand to be in my own skin.
Oh, I can’t wait to see Whip It…I luv Ellen Page. And Drew and I used to watch Roller Derby on TV with my Grammy when I was little. I didn’t even know it was out yet…I live in a tree.
I did notice you had some new pink blog bling on your sidebar. It’s so great to know that they use the term ‘lady’ loosely. You kill me!
And yeah, I had to have all those crapass tests done a couple of months ago, too. I’m hoping yours turn out well. Keeping fingers crossed for you!
1. I am also stupidly deliriously happy for Sarah. Between her and Salt this week, I think my head may explode.
Can’t wait to hear about it, even if it’s not blog-approved.
2. I LOVE a drinking game…like Zsa Zsa Gabor loves eyeshadow. That sounds like a great one.
3. I’ve never been through one of these tests, but BFF has. I know they are not in any way pleasant. But having answers always makes it worth it.
4. I hope you have a simply blissful weekend. I love a FB status change.
5. I will have to check out the Lady Bloggers Society. Pink AND fart jokes? Throw in a penis comment and that is total trifecta. I’m in!