I’m not gone, just temporarily lost…

You know you’ve been gone too long when you get emails about not posting.

Oops?

Not really oops, more like, I’m deep in thought. The best way I can put this into words is with another one of my oddball analogies that make complete sense to me and make you raise your eyebrows. But it’s all I’ve got to offer at the moment so bear with me.

So, I’ve been thinking a lot. About my life. Career, school, money, relationships, location, my health, living situation…. The list goes on. If I could write about it, I would. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is this: If I were to write about all of the thousands of thoughts that are slowly but surely working themselves into some semblance of an order, it would completely fuck up my entire thinking process. (By writing, I mean writing publicly.) Plus, my blog would become one giant snotty ball of free Kleenex advertising. Yes, I’m sad. Everyone gets sad. But I also have full faith in God that this entire mess of a situation is going to be just fine. I’ve been through worse and I think I turned out alright.

It’s like this: You know when you’re down to that last bit of smoothie in your sweaty Styrofoam cup? And you suck like hell to get it out in a non-ladylike, really shouldn’t be doing this in public kind of way? But then as it slowly reaches your tongue, you realize that it’s not as gratifying as you thought it would be? It just doesn’t taste the same as the other 19.8 ounces of smoothie.

Writing down what’s currently rattling around in my brain would be a lot like that. Sure, I could air my dirty laundry and a whole lot of other people’s all over the internet. I could express emotion. I could even reach out and ask questions of the great wide world of webs. But none of that would feel good to me. None of that would make my head suddenly have pause. No “Ah-hah! By George!” moment would come of it. I would just feel a lot like an asshole and have one more thing to pile on my brain. Guilt, shame, confusion… none of those are welcome here.

Plus, like one of my friends wisely said “I know you probably don’t feel like being charming or witty right now.” And I don’t. I’m not wallowing. I’m not throwing a pity party, considering shaving my head, nor eating gallons of ice cream. I’m just deep deep DEEP in thought. Considering options. Considering other options. Making mental lists. I’m not crying every minute, day or week. I laugh. I still find the funny. And sometimes I want to share it with you but by the time I sit down to write it down, my brain has been consumed by the other 1.7 million thoughts. I’m not depressed. I’m just not entirely happy. I’m a little bit angry. I’m a little bit excited. I’m a little bit scared. I’m a whole lot confused. But mostly, I’m just very introspective at the moment. Remember how I said I’m a Pisces? Well, I’m a Pisces. A double-sided emotional fish who swims upstream alone and then wonders why life is so damn hard. Helllooooo contradiction.

Is there an easy way out? Yes. There’s always an “easy” way out. But what I’ve learned in my many years of easy way outing is this: It’s not actually the easy way. There are a lot of loose ends that eventually wrap around your ankle and drag you right back to the spot that you easy way outed in the first place. So, fuck some easy. “Just keep swimming.” Think. Solve. Act. And pray like hell that it’s not all for naught.

To answer the questions:

No, I’m not leaving the blog.
No, I’m not going to stop writing.
No, I’m not going to be gone forever.
No, I’m not dead.
No, I’m not dying.
And No, I don’t need male enhancement… wait… that was spam.
Yes, I will eventually spill the beans and probably grind and brew them because let’s face it, I’m not known for short answers.
And yes, I believe you deserve answers. (and an updated Word of the Day Widget)

But right now, I just need to think. And plan. And make hard decisions.

Privately.

Thank you for the emails. The well wishes. The “I miss you”s. They make me feel good.

Believe me, I miss you too. And I promise, everything is going to be okay. I will be fine. I will be great, in fact! I just don’t want to talk about it in public. But I will. Eventually. I know this doesn’t serve as any kind of explanation but it’s the best thing I’ve got to offer. An apology for being a turtle, I suppose.

Know this… my blog is a small piece of my soul that will never perish. I love it dearly and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Just please be patient while I take a small halftime break.

I’m having a learning month!

Be right back!