about another run…

Hello, again!

Something happened and because my sister, bless her humor, loves my funny blogs, she practically begged for me to write about it. What’s more, I’m going to preface this post by saying… Big Sister, you asked for it! And that I love you. A whole shit ton.

So here’s what happened. I exercised. Which is becoming less of a habit and more of an anomaly as my years progress. Sad, but also true. The thing is, I willingly agreed to run a 5K in May with my sister and her running partner. They ran this particular 5K last year and since they both started at the same level of running (the kind where you can’t) and were able to finish the 5K without stopping, they now have it in their heads that ANYONE can do this.

(Side Note: It’s the same thing marathon runners say when they complete a race. They’re all “Look at me! I used to be all chaffed inner thighs and belly rolls and I just ran a marathon! You can do it too!” thumbs.)

So here’s the deal. I actually don’t hate and/or dislike running. Mostly because afterwards I feel like whatever I ate that day is immediately justified. (Remember that time I went running and thought I was going to die and then I wanted Taco Bell? Justification!) So when my sister asked if I would care to join her and her now *two* running partners for a Friday evening 5K practice, I obliged. Since the 5K is now only two weeks away, I figured this would be a good way to gauge whether or not I just signed up for an untimely death race *or* a leisurely jog with some gal pals.

Facebooking ensued….

My Status: “Kallay Anna Cracker is excited about going running with her sister tonight. Please pray for my respiratory system. Kthanks!”

Comments:

FB Friend Good luck I hope you have great weather.
April 16 at 9:38am ·

Kallay Anna Cracker Thank you! Me too! Any kind of weather that promotes breathing!
April 16 at 9:41am ·

Big Sister You’ll do great! We’ll just drag you along the street if we need to….like Hercules D
April 16 at 11:59am ·

(An aside: As I’ve mentioned before, Hercules hates exercise. He’s most known for a time when he made me literally drag him home when he LAID DOWN in the middle of a street after about a 1/2 mile of a run/walk. There was glass in the street and not even that could thwart this dog’s plan of making me look like a complete and utter jackass. You win Hercules. We’ll never be running partners. Enjoy your nap.)

Kallay Anna Cracker You just might have to. Yup!
April 16 at 2:14pm ·

Kallay Anna Cracker P. S. Watch the glass. Thanks.
April 16 at 2:26pm ·

Big Sister’s Status: “Big Sister is excited to run with Kallay Anna Cracker, Running Partner 1, and hopefully Running Partner 2 tonight! The run goes by so fast when you’re talking and laughing the whole time. What a great girl’s night!”

( :/ )

Comments:

Big Sister’s Friend whoa! you can talk when you run??
April 16 at 1:47pm

Kallay Anna Cracker I know! That’s what I said! Should be fun though! I’ve always loved the smell of an ER!
April 16 at 2:15pm ·

Big Sister It’s not *easy* to talk but, yeah, we talk. It’s much quieter toward the end of the run! LOL

LOL, indeed.

When we arrived at the designated meet up parking lot, Big Sister and Running Partner 1 both giggled because Running Partner 2′s blinds were drawn and she was clearly unable to muster the excitement for this particular Friday evening run. My first thought was relief. One less person to haul ass in front of me while I jiggle along breathlessly behind. My second thought was terror. Why doesn’t she want to run? Is this route hard? Is it really only 3 miles? Am I being duped? I’m going to die, aren’t I??

And so we began.

The pace wasn’t bad. I was keeping up and so far my black lungs were giving me the go ahead to breathe. BS and RP1 were chit chatting about small towns and jay walking and I giggled, and in hindsight, I probably should have saved that air for later. But seriously, this place is Mayberry, and they’re kind of adorable when they talk about “breaking the law” and “crime”. We were about a half mile in when the law of “throwing up in someone’s yard” became a topic of conversation. I was no longer conversing and/or laughing. I was still running and mostly breathing.

BS said, “It’s okay if you have to throw up, although I’m not sure if there’s a law about that.”

I replied, “Well, there will be tonight!”

Because policemen be damned, you can’t just *stop* a mid-exercise barf and as much as I wanted to believe that I was going to make it through this run, my sister took a wrong turn. In a car it’s not a big deal. When you’re running, it suddenly becomes an epic blunder. Your mind takes over and says, “You said it was only going to be 3 miles. Now you’ve added three whole blocks to this parade and unfortunately for you, I’m in control and you’re not going to make it. Sorry asshole, you should’ve been running!” So my mind was being all mean and stabby and my lungs were drowning in the smoker’s tar. My body was fine. No aches, no pains. And “halfway” was now 6 blocks away instead of the original “Oh! It’s right up there!” that BS had promised. RP1 informed me (tardily) that when BS says that something is “right there” it’s actually more like… not. We continued on while BS and RP1 breathed easily and chatted about all the pretty little houses and how much they loved the neighborhood and what a beautiful night it was and look at the flowery trees and the cute puppy in the window and the other cute puppy in the window………………… *sigh*

Meanwhile, back on the slow bus, I’m trying everything I can from the Book of Running to keep breathing. Breathing out of the nose, breathing in from the nose, taking a deep breath, taking some more deep breaths. And then I started coughing. Smoker’s cough is so *hot*. There’s a lot of phlegm involved and really I’m convinced that this moment should have been a turning point in my life where I said, “Self, this would be a good time to stop smoking.” It wasn’t. But it should have been. So we walked for a couple of blocks. Or rather, they ran to the street corners and *I* walked while they jogged in place, still talking.

There are a few things that I believe go through all beginning runners’ minds when the time to walk is upon them.

1. Are there any cars around?
2. Are there any people around?
3. If I make it look like I’m injured, will the cars/people still laugh at my obvious non-athleticism?
4. If I walk up this driveway, will they think that I am just returning home from a nice long run?
5. My face is red enough, perhaps they will believe that I am actually running intervals and doing sprints. This is just my 30 second rest.
6. Aw. Fuck.

So we walked to the block where the rest of the run was going to be “a straight shot” back to the car. LIES. It was here that I realized that I am going to make it through the 5K just fine. First of all, my muscles and joints were just fine, it was more of a breathing issue that I was having and people can go for a couple of minutes without doing that so as long as I was taking in oxygen, I would make it to the finish line. Also, there would be people cheering. The cheering part is neither here nor there. The people part is huge. There is no way in God’s great creation that I am going to stop running in front of a crowd of people that may or may not have cameras and or video taping devices and end up on FAILblog.org or YouTube for being the idiot who signed up for a 5K run and walked.

I realized this because there is another thing that all runners do: we run faster at crosswalks uphill. This wasn’t a particularly busy street but there were cars and a stoplight which meant people were watching and I don’t care how tired you are, how out of breath you are, or how close to vomiting you are, your ass isn’t stopping. In fact, you suddenly become an expert level runner with the perfect posture and gait of a world class marathoner and/or wild animal chasing prey. Your previous dog panting spectacle of breathing becomes even and professionally executed. You are a runner, damn it, and none of these drivers will know any differently. So, you run. (While inside, you are silently cursing their very existence and hoping death is not as hot on your tail as it feels.)

BS and RP1 were about a block ahead of me the whole time we ran down this street but I would sooner chew sidewalk than stop running. We reached a point in the road where BS again used the words “right up there” which I knew at this point was all smoke and mirrors. We reached the corner where I was led to believe the “right up there” was and relief began to flow through me. And then we turned. And three blocks down was a stop sign that was now the new “right up there”.

My mind began telling my lungs, “make it to the tree”, “make it to the next tree”, “make it to the mailbox”, “make it to the sidewalk crack”, “make it to the next sidewalk crack”, “make it to the next stride”….

I mean really. Those last three blocks about put me into an early grave. BS and RP1 were already breathing normally again and planning tea parties and play dates and world peace by the time I arrived. I wasn’t even sweating anymore I was so hot and my mouth felt like someone had shoved a towel down my throat.

All in all, I ran *most* of the practice 5K and clearly I lived to tell the tale. I believe that two weeks from now I will be able to finish the real deal and live through that too. But I did learn a few things.

1. I’m going to need my own map because “right up there” isn’t.

2. Locate water stations prior to the run to maximize hydration and disguise out of breath-ed-ness.

3. Talking, laughing, and giggling all use up your air supply so perhaps I should bring my iPod to avoid any kind of superfluous conversation.

4. BS and RP1 are great women to have on your side for motivation, however “It’s much quieter toward the end of the run.” was a fib.

5. RP2′s use of window coverings was genius.

Three days after the run on Facebook:

Big Sister 17 days until River Bank!!! Wheeee!

Kallay Anna Cracker wee.

a while later….

Kallay Anna Cracker 17 Days until we wake up the Rooster, don some running shoes and a bib, and run 3.2 miles in the name of um… what are we running for again?
Tue at 10:05am ·

Big Sister Because we can!
Tue at 11:39am

Kallay Anna Cracker Oh! right! We’re running in the name of freedom!
Tue at 12:03pm ·

Big Sister …and because it’s “fun!”
Tue at 1:29pm

Mmmmhm. :/