Stream of Consciousness Sunday!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! to my Wisconsin Badgers for winning the B1G Ten Championship and earning a spot in the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day! GAH! What a game! I watched the second half this morning because I fell asleep during the MSU halftime show. Le boring. Even knowing the outcome, the game was still a nail biter. I can only hope that my defensive boys will show up for the game in January! GEEZ.

This has been a non-busy busy day. One of those days where nothing is really going on, but nothing gets done either. Call it a lazy Sunday, call it a rainy day, call it whatever you want, really. I’m just glad it happened. I fell asleep watching the Deen Family Christmas special on Food Network accidentally, and now I’m more tired than I was when I fell asleep. God, I suck at napping. This will be a true #SOCSunday post. (for once)


I can’t stop thinking about it.

I look at my girls and I am so thankful that they’re here, but I feel like I’m missing the plus one.

This line “GOD, can you imagine if you had three!?” is really so hurtful and so demeaning. Because you know what? Yes, I can imagine if I had three. I’ve always wanted a big family. Now, because of some fluke heart problem, that reality has come and gone. With the girls’ first birthday looming, I can’t stop thinking about Baby C. I can’t stop thinking what could be. I just wish I wasn’t the only one. Maybe it’s the mother in me that makes me care so much, but Baby C was my baby, too. Maybe he or she was only 10 weeks, but that baby had a heart beat and then it didn’t. And damn it!! I’m not just going to forget! How nice for everyone else that they can.

I also can’t stop thinking about that fucking nurse. Every time I think about it. I get angrier and angrier. I’m planning on drafting the letter to the hospital this week. I feel armed with better knowledge now, and less like I’d just be a disgruntled mother of newborn twins who feels cheated out of a “normal” birth experience writing a letter for revenge. Now? I worry that someone else will walk in my shoes and not be as lucky as I am. I worry for that mother who is being told she’s eating too much when she can barely finish a salad plate of food. I worry for the mother who has no idea what’s about to happen to her, for the mother who has no idea that she won’t be able to walk five steps to the bathroom without feeling like she’s running a marathon. I worry for her postpartum mental health. I worry that she will feel disconnected from her baby or babies because she’s had to focus so much on her own health. I worry that no one will be her advocate, to stand up and say “STOP! I’m the patient, too! My health matters!” and that she’ll be blinded sided like I was. I worry that people will call her selfish for worrying about her own health. No one should have to go through what I’ve been through nor what I could have been through had an intervention not taken place. I feel like I don’t have a choice. I have to write this letter. I have to be the voice for mothers whose voices have been silenced. It’s never okay for a nurse or a doctor to discount your health just because you’re pregnant. There are normal symptoms, and then there are warning signs. As a medically trained individual, they should know better. I just hope the letter doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

Please God, let someone listen.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

1. Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
2. Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
3. Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
4. Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
5. Link up your post with all.things.fadra.
6. Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

3 Responses to Stream of Consciousness Sunday!
  1. jdu
    December 4, 2011 | 9:40 pm

    Baby C…you know I understand. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons I don’t feel sad about you having “twin” girls…because there are three. You know, you can name Baby C if you want. And you can pick whichever gender “felt right” to you.

  2. Julie Jordan Scott
    December 4, 2011 | 9:53 pm

    One of my personal missions in life is to be a voice for those who can not speak. I had a stillbirth, so I can relate to a part of what you are saying… my heart aches for women whose one baby has died while the others lived. Every birthday, bitter sweet.

    Much love to you ~ I’m glad I found you on #SOCSunday

  3. Good Girl Gone Green
    December 4, 2011 | 9:59 pm

    I am so sorry Kallay about your loss! Big big hugs to you!

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