I’m going out on a limb today, putting my self esteem aside, and sharing with you ten little known stories. Call them life stories, call them embarrassing moments, call them learning days… whatever you call them, I sure hope they make you feel better about yourself! (Sometimes my life is that of a sitcom. This stuff doesn’t happen to normal people.)

Ten Little Known Stories

1. I’d always been chubby as a kid and not very popular, and unfortunately, back in the day, the clothing options were basically either, over-sized t-shirt and elastic waisted pants, or buy the largest size and hope for the best. I went to school one Fall day, still the unpopular one, wearing one of my “hope for the best” outfits. The shirt was solid mustard yellow and long sleeved, while the faux corduroy pants shared the mustard yellow with tiny dark colored flowers. Hideous comes to mind. During a test, I had the urge to, you know, “go”. My teacher liked me and allowed me to use the restroom, even though we were in the middle of a test, and it was almost recess. I’ve never been an in and out kind of person, and this day was a particularly long visit with the porcelain queen. Just call me Slow Pooper. Recess came and went, my teacher knocked on the door a few times to make sure I hadn’t disappeared or died, and when I emerged, it was to a classroom full of giggles. Me and my bright mustard yellow outfit walked, head down, to our desk, and when I bent over… the pants ripped right down the ass of the pants.  As if my day needed more humility, I had to undress in the restroom with my teacher and she helped me safety pin my pants back together. I walked to the office and called my mom near tears, and she brought me some black stretch pants. To this day, I don’t know which was worse; my safety pinned mustard yellow pants, or the black stretch pants that were too tight and too short. Yes, my life as a child. Thankfully I can laugh at it now!

2. There was a kid on the school bus that used to tell me to cross my legs so my thighs wouldn’t jiggle. Apparently it bothered him. The irony: his best friend was at least twice my size.

3. In 8th grade, I started attending a private school, and we had an end of the year camping trip. I can’t remember the details, but I know I was wearing a white t-shirt one day, and we either tipped a canoe, or went swimming, and I ended up soaking wet. The moment that stands out for me is when I was walking back to my cabin to get some clean, dry clothes on, I walked past my crush and he gave me a weird look, which wasn’t uncommon. (The feelings were never mutual, but are they ever with a crush?) I arrived at the cabin, and realized what had alarmed him. I was cold. Very, very cold. I also had a rosette on the middle of my bra which made it look like I had three very, very cold nipples. I think I might have died for a second.

4. I was as naive as they come when I was fresh out of high school, but somehow managed to balance a checkbook and have my own apartment. When I left my (crappy) job at an insurance company, I began looking for other employment. Any of the jobs that said they required training, I skipped over. It wasn’t because I thought they were going to train me. It was because I thought I was supposed to have already had the training, and thought I was unqualified. All that time I could have been a barista…

5. A few months ago, I went to the post office to mail a package, and I forgot my tape at home. So I grabbed a roll, used it, and put it in my purse. I completely forgot about it by the time I checked out and when I got back in the car, I realized I had just inadvertently stolen tape from the post office. Too embarrassed to return, I called when I got home. The lady that answered giggled and thanked me for my honesty, and told me to just pay for it when I came back. At Christmas time  I went to the post office to mail my gifts, got up to the counter to pay for my packages, and almost forgot to pay for the tape, again. I’m not sure how many people steal tape from the post office, but I was determined to not make that statistic. I did pay for the tape, and the checker was none the wiser, but my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He probably thought I stole something else.

6. My roommate and I went out one night to a charity event that her bar was hosting, and I had a little too much fun. I woke up the next day in literal pain from dancing, and dangerously hung over. She insisted that we go through the drive through at McDonald’s because  hangovers plus grease equals All Better. The smell of the fries started creeping their way up my nose, my roommate ordered a whole slew of greasy food, and when we pulled up to the window to pay, I threw open the door and yeah… all over the drive through lane. So classy.

7. I went on a silent date once in high school. The kid picked me up in his dad’s mustang that had been freshly cleaned, but there was exactly zero attraction. We drove to the movie not even attempting small talk. I should have just gotten out of the car in my driveway. The movie wasn’t good enough to hold his attention and he fell asleep. Afterward, still not having said more than a friendly hello, he drove me home in silence. I practically ran to my front door after muttering a quick thank you. He was a strange little dude. I’ve heard of silent movies, but I’ve never heard of a silent date.

8. I have diarrhea of the mouth sometimes. A born and bred over sharer. I had just broken up with my first serious boyfriend in high school, my first real love. Of course, I was a mess. Not one to hide my emotions well, I had to speak at a school event that night. It was a Christian school, and most of our events revolved around God and praising, and of course a time to share testimonies about God’s love. Well, I was sharing my testimony alright. I stood there and sobbed about how my boyfriend had dumped me and told me he didn’t love me and wasn’t sure he ever had. I over shared that I knew God had always loved me, and that He was going to get me through this, that no matter what Andy had said, my life was worth something because God loved me… in front of over half of the student body. Slow Clap, ass hat.

9. So, I don’t love  my boobs. If I was to choose one thing to have plastic surgery on, it would be these bad girls. So, when I have to wear strapless anything, I cringe. It’s hard enough hiking these puppies up with TWO straps, but take away that leverage, and I’ve got nothin’. They just go south. Ten years ago, when I was getting married the first time, corsets were all the rage. Women were starting to do boudoir shoots, everyone wore them under their dresses, and lingerie shops were selling them like hot cakes. I saw a few I liked at work one day, because I couldn’t wait until I got home, and decided to try and find one near me. (And used 30% of my company’s internet that year to look for wedding ideas and school information. Kids, don’t try this at work.) My mom, sister, and I walked into the lingerie shop and told the nice lady what I was looking for. She immediately returned with a few options to try. Being a bigger girl, it was hard to believe that I was going to find anything to make the girls look good. The first corset wouldn’t go over my shoulders. Bonk. The second bra had clips, so that was out. Booonk. Then there was the third corset. My mom helped me wiggle it over my shoulders and get it into place. Then my sister came in and the giggles started. From the front, everything was fine! My boobs were UP for the first time since birth, and I had a waist! The tighter the cords went, the more giggling and snorting there was, and the more ridiculous I was beginning to look. Think 250 lb. Dolly Parton. My mom and sister were about to wet themselves, and I was still oblivious to what was going on back there. I was laughing because they were laughing. By the time they finally got all of the cords tightened, my boobs looked like ice cream cones. Flat on the bottom and giant on top. I was dying from laughter not, too. Unable to breathe from the corset, and turning blue from laughing, they turned me around to see the back. I had a butt crack from my butt, aaaaaall the way up my back to my shoulder blades. Back fat’s a real bummer. By now, the other patrons in the store are laughing because of our hysterics, and the occasional “Kallay McCRACKen” flying over the dressing room door in our best Irish accents. Even the nice lady that was helping us came over to see if she could diffuse the situation, only to crumble into laughter when we showed her the corset gone wrong. We not-so-gracefully wiggled me out of the corset’s grip, and I put my clothes back on. Deflated, quite literally, but also relieved that I wouldn’t have to go through that on my wedding day. My makeup wouldn’t have made it through all of that.

10. I’m queen of the “That’s What She Saids” and have been since I was young. Sexual innuendos just came to me late, I guess, and now you just never ever know what’s going to come out of my mouth. When I was in junior high, one of my favorite movies was Empire Records. It’s hysterical, and one of my favorite scenes is when Gina comes out of the bathroom wearing the new Music Towne aprons, and Rex Manning is standing there eating her with his eyes. She asks, “Welcome to Music Towne! May I service you!?” I thought it was funny because of the outfit, everyone else thought it was funny because she was clearly offering more than help with a music selection.  Fast forward a few years… My aunt was visiting from Minnesota and like an idiot, I was going to offer her a drink and instead of asking “Would you like a beverage?”, I asked “May I service you?” Everyone died laughing, except me, because I still didn’t get it.  Someone finally explained to me that I was offering my aunt sexual favors. At least I didn’t offer her “a falatio” rather than “a facial”, that was offered to someone else. Oops.

What’s one of your most embarrassing life stories?

Don’t forget to link up with Mama Kat for today’s Writer’s Workshop!