Category Archives: Random Musings Friday

Linking up with Shana today at Fumbling Towards Normalcy! 

It’s been a decent week, all things considered. I’ll save my big weight loss news for Monday, though if you’re on my personal Facebook page, you already know what it is. Cheaters. I was able to summon some energy to celebrate Valentine’s Day, even though it snuck up on me and I wasn’t able to send out actual cards this year, a bummer only to me. I received some delicious truffles, too, of which only two (of the 12) remain. (I shared, don’t worry/judge.) I also learned and read some pretty interesting tidbits!

* I recently began watching Joyce Meyer on TV in the mornings, because she’s a) hilarious and b) honest and I need a little of both of those things in my life. Her Facebook statuses are always wise and inspiring, but this one got into my head, so I wrote it down in my planner as a reminder:

You can’t tell the devil to get out of it at the same time you’re opening doors to let him back in.

- Joyce Meyer

This resonated with me on a cellular level, and ever since I read it, every time I start to feel, think, or do something negative… I hear a squeaky door opening. Moving on is hard when you still love the person you’re trying to detach from, but it’s even harder when you dream up a future that doesn’t exist and when you create false ideas of what could be. Focusing on today has a whole new perspective for me. It’s not only distracting to worry about the future, it’s also counteractive to wonder with an idealistic and false sense of peace. In other words, I shouldn’t imagine what life would be like if he were to get sober and make amends and deal with his consequences like an adult because it hasn’t happened yet. Meditating on those thoughts is only going to get me hurt again. Is it easier to imagine? Hell. Yes. Because, hello, reality and the here and now are a sad, sad, train wreck. Not to mention, once the anger subsides, all those damned happy memories start invading your day. Something as simple as a new pair of sheets will rise the tears to my eyes. This is a learning process as well as a grieving process; learning to control my thinking and feeling while allowing myself to think and feel  freely and move on is a constant battle. There’s a balance to be mastered here, and I’m not there yet. I miss him, and that’s just the cold hard truth, but it doesn’t do anyone (especially me) any good to marinate in it.

** I had a massage this week, which was a gift from him for Christmas, ironically enough. I woke up with a horrible pain under my left shoulder blade, so painful that I couldn’t take a deep breath without feeling like I was having chest pains. It was ridiculous! I’d actually slept pretty well that night. So, when I told my massage therapist, she explained to me that when we hold our emotions in (oops), the body still has to get rid of the feeling somewhere, and it usually manifests itself on the left side of the body, because that’s where our heart center is and where our emotions come from. (Interesting!) The body is a funny, funny thing. After hearing that, I read this article on holding in your emotions, and have resolved to  be more open to crying. It figures that my will would be tested in a department store yesterday where I refused to cry over new sheets (that I never ended up buying anyway). I’m going to have to work on a new strategy.

*** Some more hocus pocus for your day… Do you believe in animal totems? I always thought the idea was kind of, well, ridiculous and silly. (and also, ridiculous) Then, a couple of months ago this hawk started hanging around our house. All of the birds scatter when he (she?) is around. The silence is not a peaceful one. We just thought it was cool, at the time. The day after my husband left, I was walking to our mailbox and as I passed by a bush next to my grandma’s house, the hawk flew out of the bush and stood in a tree watching me walk all the way to the mailbox and all the way back to our house, and then flew away. It was the most bizarre and semi-unsettling feeling having a predator bird stare at me like I was lunch. Not long after that, maybe a week or so, I was driving and another giant hawk flew in front of me. It was just odd. Birds don’t normally hurl themselves at me, walking or otherwise. My mom has talked about animal totems before, so I looked up the hawk in her book regarding the subject and what I found was both comforting and disturbing. Hawks are considered, in the animal totem world, messengers, visionaries, and protectors. They often show up in times of distress and are supposed to make you more aware of your surroundings. They also serve to help you see your situation from above, to gain a new perspective by seeing the bigger picture. Well, I’ll be…

**** As if you needed anything else to think about today, here’s a creepy article about Target and their shiny new ability to predict pregnancies and your due date! (What’s your Guest ID?) Truth be told, somewhere around the middle they talk about rats and habits and Febreze,  and I read every word. Very interesting stuff!

Have a Happy Friday!