Every day brings a new emotion. I’m happy one day, and totally angry the next. I miss him, and then I just want him to disappear. I love him, and then I wish I had never met him. I’m sick to my stomach and can’t eat, and then I’m starving. Up and down, up and down…

There’s so much to process.

As a mother, I feel sorry for my girls. That he couldn’t keep himself together.

As a wife, I feel rejected and hurt and cheated on.

As a friend, I feel let down and pushed aside.

As a woman, I feel like a failure.

As a person, I feel scared and stupid.

As a supporter, I feel disappointed.

I feel angry for what he’s done to our family.

I feel angry for being deceived.

But then I also feel relief that I don’t have to constantly lift him up.

I feel relieved because I won’t have to worry.

I feel in control of my life again.

I feel proud for leaving before things got worse.

I feel more faithful in God.

I feel all of these things and every day it changes.

A new feeling; fresh anger, fresh betrayal, fresh loneliness, fresh JOY will crop up. The hardest part is letting myself feel it. To let myself cry and feel sad, to let myself feel angry and lash out, and to let myself feel JOY when the girls laugh or when I get good news.  I keep telling myself it’s better to cry now than at my desk at a new job, to not let it all build up and get overwhelming. I’m a professional emotion builder. I’ll hold in tears for days if it means I won’t have to feel the sad.

Reminding myself to take each day and moment as it’s presented is helping me a lot, but sometimes emotions come at the most embarrassing times. I went grocery shopping today, and even though it was nice to get in and out without all the questions, it made me giggle to remember those trips with him. I’m sure I looked ridiculous checking out and giggling as I scanned my broccoli. Walking to the car, I went the other direction and got all choked up remembering happier times. It feels like such a waste. All the effort trying to help. All those good memories. What was it all for?

The confusion is the hardest emotion to deal with. It’s the one that consumes me. The one I can’t flash in and out of. He was doing so well, how did this happen? Why? What went wrong? On and on… this is the emotion I give to God every single morning when I read my devotions. I’m not a Bible scholar by any stretch of the mind, but I remember learning in high school that confusion is not of God, and that evil uses our confusion to draw us away from God and the peace and protection that He offers. Even if you’re not a Christian, you can probably relate. When you let yourself become filled with questions that don’t have answers, your productivity goes down the drain, your attitude is less than negative, and your peace of mind is shattered.  To constantly go over and over it all in my head will drive me crazy, which is probably why God wants us to focus on the here and now. I mean, otherwise, we’d all be a bunch of nut case humans toddling around asking “Why?” and nothing would ever be accomplished. By nature, thank you very much, I am an over thinker. I analyze everything until I forget what the original question was in the first place. I suppose this journey will be the ticket to get out of confusion. The ticket to learning to trust God and “lean not on my own understanding”, because I don’t get it, but He does and that’s really all that matters.

{source: Deviant Art}

I find it interesting, looking back on my notes for this year, how this was always going to be Fight On February. I was going to be focusing on relationships this month and “fighting right” and fighting for my happiness. It has a new meaning now, and I thought for a second I might change it to Fresh Start February, but Fight On seems so much more appropriate.

My original purpose and plan for my 101 list was to gain happiness and to not let others steal, what I believe to be, something we can all control. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that this situation doesn’t suck. It does, but not every part of it. There are great things about this situation that will make me, in the end, more joyful. I won’t feel stuck anymore in any way, for one. I won’t be emotionally or mentally abused. I will be free to have friendships and to be social. I will be able to trust again, eventually, with some hard work and probably some counseling.

January was all about jumping into my 101 list with gusto and just going for it. I felt great! Personally, I was happier. I felt more fulfilled, I felt like I had a goal and a purpose. I accomplished a lot, too, which was another purpose of writing the 101 list; crossing off those little needling tasks that are always on the to do list, but should be on the “I’m really trying to find energy and time and interest to do this but hobbies are more fun” list. Having the list, if anything, is making me more aware of how I spend my time, and infinitely less bored. I’ve written more poetry, I’ve organized the pantry, I’ve taught the girls sign language (which is a whole other blog post), and I’ve set us up to make progress. Unfortunately, I am no longer a “we” or an “us” so I’ve had to rethink and re-manage and redo my plan. I’ve edited the 101 list to include things I want to do for myself rather than for my marriage.

This month is all about fighting to keep myself on the same path. To laugh and find the joy, even in the midst of heart ache and brokenness. I knew going in that this wasn’t going to be easy, that as soon as I made the decision to be happier that obstacles would suddenly present themselves. Isn’t that how it always goes? As soon as you make a plan and start moving forward, someone or something jumps in the way and tries to mess it all up. My devotional for today really spoke to me, because God was reminding me, again, not to worry and to trust Him. To take one day at a time, one moment at a time if a day is too daunting, and to believe that everything happens for a reason and if I continue to walk with Him, He will make it good. It read:

Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time.

February 7 – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Next month is BIRTHDAY month and since I’m turning 30, I’m planning on making that all about me. To pamper myself and celebrate!

This month is about healing, beginning again with a fresh start, and fighting the urge to succumb to sadness and choosing to be happy.

Here’s what I’m working on in February!

1. Job search!
2. Research online college classes.
3. Finances.
4. Writing a will.
5. Daily devotions.
6. Paying It Forward.
7. Continuing my “50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind” Saturday Series.
8. Poetry.
9. Writing a love letter to myself.
10. Developing friendships in town.
11. Having tea with my grandma again.
12. Writing *that* post I’ve been wanting to write.
13. Self Defense Class?
14. Starting counseling.
15. Reading!
16. Writing an article for Examiner (possibly a Chicago trip?).
17. Using my massage gift certificate from Christmas.
18. Voting!
19. Purging clothing! (especially since I’m in a smaller size!)
20. Continuing my hunt for a church.
21. Making stones for the garden with the girls hands and feet imprints.
22. Continuing to develop recipes. (Made one today out of salmon that was so delicious!)

I’m looking forward to this month. Sure I’m going through a hard life experience, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also be growing at the same time, and at least making an effort to stay happy. Time to practice what I’ve been preaching for the past three months!

What are you looking forward to this month?

Filed under: 101 in 1001 Tagged: 101 in 1001, February, happiness is a choice, I can do this!, Positive thinking, The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning Clean My Closets Fight Right Read Aristotle and Generally Have More Fun ]]> http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/02/07/project-101-fight-on-february/feed/ 5 kallaydoscope http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/02/06/bloggers-biggest-loser-100-pounds/ http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/02/06/bloggers-biggest-loser-100-pounds/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:18:32 +0000 Kallay Carr-Beers http://kallaydoscope.com/?p=2046 ]]>

Link up with the fabulous Vicki from My Vickilicious Life, and Amy from At The Pink of Perfection.

I have something to celebrate. Finally.

I really needed it today, as the bad news just keeps coming. The levy breaks, the flood destroys everything, and then the clean up begins. It’s no easy task. Just when you feel like the worst is over, it rains. Things will never be the same. Even after the clean up, things will never return to what they once were. A new normal will arrive, and the flood will be a horrible memory.

But today…. I have something to celebrate, by God’s design, I’m sure. As they say… He never gives us more than we can handle, and sometimes he helps me handle the bad by balancing it with a tiny shred of good.

He’s given me a gift today, a little piece of pride to make up for all of the embarrassment.

As of today, I have lost 100 pounds.

100 POUNDS!!!

There were days, in the beginning, when I was all post baby blubber and pregnancy jeans, that I thought this day would never come. And now I’m 15 pounds away from my first goal! I’m in smaller jeans! I’m fitting into my pre-pregnancy shirts! I’m off all the medications! I’m HEALTHY! It’s a blessing to feel this today of all days: At least I’m healthy.

People can deceive you, hurt you, try to break you, slander you, and leave you, but they can’t take your health!

You shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, but it feels immensely good to rejoice in it.

Height: 5’9″
Starting Weight (December 7, 2010): 315
Goal Weight #1: 199 (Come on ONEderland!!)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 145
Last Week’s Weight: 217
Current Weight: 215
Current Size: 16!

My NSV* is that I’ve made it through hell week, that each day is a new day, and God willing, I will make it through each one as it is presented.

What are you proud of today?

*Non Scale Victory

Not the real him though, apparently, but the guy I knew.

I was telling my mother in law yesterday that even through the rough times, we laughed every single day, and sometimes he would make me laugh until I couldn’t breathe. I miss that. As manipulative and as conniving as he was, he had a great sense of humor, just hilarious.

People say having a big heart isn’t a bad thing. I say, it is when you’re the person carrying it around. Being able to find the good in people is frustrating when all I want to do is be angry at him.

These past few months of my happiness journey have really affected me more than I thought. The choosing to be happy in times of sorrow and pain has made me, I believe, even more forgiving. It’s made my big heart even bigger.

Something I stumbled across a couple of days ago during a prayer has really got my shaken to my core. Again.

I was praying for God to help him, to heal him, and to provide an opportunity for him to deal with his pain and whatever caused it. I wanted God to take over for me. I wanted God to walk with him and be his support, because I can’t anymore. I’m trying to forgive this so I can move on, because you can’t move on from something like this without forgiveness. I know he will never apologize to me for all of the pain and suffering and mess he has caused. I know his heart doesn’t feel that way. So I have to forgive without the acknowledgment from him. I’ll have to make an honest effort at it every single day, until one day I wake up and he’s no longer a part of my thinking. He’ll just be a memory.

But this is what really floored me. As I finished the prayer, I was so angry all of a sudden. And I mean, angry. Then it hit me why…

God loves him, too.

“But he’s not saved!” I thought. “He doesn’t love God! He doesn’t want anything to do with it! It was all an act!”

And then it came over me again, but this time it was God’s voice.

“I love him, too.” He said.

And then I was mad at God! Angry that he would protect him. I wanted God to be on my side! Damn it!

It’s crazy! Hadn’t I just asked God to help? To heal? But here I was! Mad at God! For listening to me!! It was right then that I learned something about God, something He teaches us, but that we will never fully grasp or master.

God loves everyone. He protects and helps and tries to guide us all… but some of us reject Him. God has mastered and created unconditional love. Love. Without any conditions. He asks us to obey Him, asks us to choose Him, asks us to be at Peace in his presence. He allows us to make those choices, though, and some people turn their backs on Him, denying his power and refusing his love. That must hurt him so badly, but He loves them anyway, because He has Grace. He created them, of course he does! Don’t we practice that with our own children?

Now we come full circle, because today I get it. I got it last night when I was missing him.

I love him, too. Even though he’s abandoned us, he’s hurt us, he’s threatened us, he’s caused damage that will never be erased… I still love him.

I don’t want all of the trouble that comes with him, I don’t want to be his rock anymore, that’s what God is for, but I love him. I want him to be better. Not for me or the girls, but for himself. I don’t want to go to his funeral. I think back on what the doctor said about him not being able to be helped, and maybe he has done so much damage over the years that it’s scientifically true, but God created him, and I believe that if he wanted to be better and if he leaned on God, that over time he might get better.

If.

~*~*~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five (or so) minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

We are left to clean up the mess, while you do what? Deceive again? Hurt yourself some more? Make a mockery of our marriage; our life? Twist your story again to become the victim?

Enjoy yourself now, because God never forgets. And you should be ashamed of yourself.

For me, today is a new day. My heavy, burdened, broken heart will be healed. My anger will subside. My paranoia will be replaced with strength. You will never be able to hurt me or my sweet babies again. Ever. Peace is coming for me.

You will never again convince me that I’m worthless. That I’m nothing. Because to two little girls, now I am everything.

I won’t have to be responsible for lifting you up anymore. I won’t have to fight to have a good day, after you’ve brought a dark cloud over one. I won’t have to be afraid of or worry about my future with you.

You’ve deceived me and our family for the last time. You’ve left fear and disappointment in your wake, but mostly you’ve left disgust and confusion. We are ashamed of you. Embarrassed by you.

We love you, we tried to help you, but you chose your muddy path. You had it all. Everything you said you wanted. A wife, two gorgeous children, your family in your life, a home with gardens, and we were working toward an even better life. In one day, 12 measly hours, you managed to lose it all. How sad for you. You are a victim of your own doing. You’ve stolen goodness and a chance at something better from yourself.

You abandoned us long before you left. You gave up on yourself. You gave up on life. You refused to hope, you refused to believe that happiness was possible, and you chose to marinate in substances and practices that will only make you more hopeless.

There is a certain relief that I feel for not having to look over my shoulder anymore, but my sadness is overwhelming. I ask myself why a lot. Why you couldn’t change. Why you wouldn’t believe in yourself. Why you hurt so badly. Why you don’t want to begin to heal. The answer is simply that you don’t want to. And then the “Whys” start all over again. What demon has that much control over you? How scary that must be.

You have created a myth so great, that even some of my own blame me. As if I should have known what you are. How could I? I tried everything to help you. I held your hand through every step of your “recovery” and you had your other hand behind your back, fingers crossed. You fooled everyone. You had a plan all along, an agenda that you only shared with yourself.

I believe you had windows of sincerity. I believe the day that little girl was born and looked into your eyes, you had more hope than you’ve ever had in your entire life. I believe you loved me and that you wanted so badly to be what I deserve. You tried to be that man, and when your demon took control, you let him. You never put up a fight to have what you wanted. You were weak. Even with the strength of those around you offered, you fought alone and lost.

The doctor says no amount of medicine or counseling will help you. You have created in your personality and character  an irreversible disorder that only you can overcome. I pray you will, for yourself, but it will require people who care about you, people who have your best interests in mind, and you have turned your back on those people. Run from those people. You can’t run from your problems though. They will catch up with you.

I loved you with all of my heart, and in the beginning I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone. I trusted you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. Now… You’ve broken a vow and burned bridges, and your heart is so cold and dark that you simply don’t care. I have to guard my heart from you. I have to learn to trust again. It’s a hard journey, but I will be okay. Unlike you, I’m not afraid to ask for help, or to lean on the people who care about me and love me.

The girls will be okay, too. They will know the truth about you, but they will also know love and respect and will be surrounded by people who care more about them than themselves. People who will not abandon them when life gets hard.

I have wished every single day that I would wake up and that this was all a dream. That you hadn’t really done all of this damage. That I would wake up and you would be next to me. Still sober. Still fighting. But you’re not. You gave up.

And now I’ll begin again. We will begin again. Without you.

As much as it kills me, it will eventually make me stronger.

God says, “Bring me your weakness and I will give you Peace.”

Peace.

You’ll never know what that is until you surrender.

“Do not be afraid.” He says. “For I will be your protector. Your watchman. Your help.”

My patience is more personal than physical. I have a big heart and am able to easily forgive, but waiting for news or waiting for someone else to make decisions makes me bounce my legs.

I feel like right now the rest of my life is on hold. I can’t do anything but make plans and wait and hope and pray and have faith. I see all of these obstacles ahead of me, my head starts to spin, and then I read my devotional this morning, and I feel like all of this worrying is me not having faith in the one person I know I can trust, and that’s God, if you’re new here.

So I thought I would share  my devotional with you. I know I can’t be the only one facing hard times, having to process information that just seems too unreal, and having to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Standing around, looking up at the mountain and just wishing it would move… It’s useless. But this isn’t:

February 1 – Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young

Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you’re going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you’re not looking where you’re going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don’t know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.

Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My Presence. Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.

Psalm 18:29; Psaml 91:11-12; 2 Corinthians 5:7

I can’t share details with you all, as much as I want to just pour my heart out onto this screen, it’s not safe. I can tell you that this is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I’m lucky enough to know some of my angels’ names. I’m blessed to have friends and family who will support me and keep me safe, friends who will listen, and make me laugh and shake off some of the nerves. I feel good knowing that I am doing the right thing. I remember in high school, during our morning worships (it was a Christian school), we sometimes sang this song called You Are My Shield. It was one of my favorite songs; going through a death my freshman year, this song brought me more comfort than any. All through these past few days I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. The lyrics:

I will bless the Lord forever,
And I will trust Him at all times.
He has delivered me from all things,
And He has set my feet upon the Rock.

I will not be moved, and I’ll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

Room have I in heaven by You.
There’s not a desire beside You.

You have made me glad, and I’ll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong_united/#share

God has a plan, and I have to trust that it’s all going to work out in my favor. I’ve done my part, and now He is doing His.

Thank you again for all of the encouragement and prayer. It’s helping me tremendously. 

Link up with the fabulous Vicki from My Vickilicious Life, and Amy from At The Pink of Perfection.

I’m just looking for something normal to do today. Something that is unrelated to the recent events. Something where I’m not waiting for a phone call, a decision, or a reaction. I just need a piece of normal. One little piece.

So, while my meal plan this week will mostly likely be:

Fingernails
Lip Corners
Bottom Lip Skin
Whatever I’m Forced To Eat

I’m pretty excited about what the scale will read. (Hey, you have to find a silver lining somewhere.)

Height: 5’9″
Starting Weight (December 7, 2010): 315
Goal Weight #1: 199 (Come on ONEderland!!)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 145
Last Week’s Weight: 221.5
Current Weight: 217
Current Size: In between a 16 and an 18. (You know how it is, too big for one, too small for another.)

Last week, I lost 4.5 pounds for a total of 98 pounds! Only 2 more pounds until I’ve lost 100 pounds!

My NSV* of the week is this:

I’m not going to be a victim.
I will not be abused.
My children will not be abused.
I’m going to be okay.
We’re going to be okay.

{Thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers and (e)hugs and support through all of this. I so love being a part of the blogging community for this reason. I appreciate your understanding of my need to keep the details private at this time.} 

*Non-Scale Victory

I’m living in a kaleidoscope. The world is spinning around and around, all of the facts and fictions are dancing together. The to do lists are piling up around me, the notes, the phone numbers, the help lines, the claim numbers… It’s all so overwhelming. My sleep is littered with nightmares. I wake up sweating convinced I’m hearing footsteps when the cat is innocently crunching on her food. I have visions of a man stumbling up the driveway, coming for me. Coming for my children. I see him crying, begging, pleading, desperate… for what? Does he want money? Does he want to run? Why is he here? Every rustling tree branch sends every hair into attention. Every pathetic phone call increases his anger, his desperation. I wish he would leave me alone. Us alone. But he won’t. I need to be in control of this situation. It’s my life. But… What do I do? Where can I go? Should I go? What about this? What about that? I need focus. I need information. I need answers. I need time. Weeks. Months. A plan.

I’m scared.

God? Help me.

~*~*~*~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post with all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Good Friday morning to you! It’s been a hilarious and random week around here. I also added a couple of new recipes to the arsenal! (This Roasted Garlic Shrimp and Broccoli is a new fave!)Check out the improved Food Fodder tab, and if you haven’t already, read this. It’s a whole lot of funny. Now for some random musings from the week. Linking up with the fantastic, Shana!

* Ryan’s been home this week, and as much as I love him, I still stand by my previous statement. We went grocery shopping on Tuesday, and let me tell you, I wasn’t belly laughing. As helpful as it is to have someone help me shop, I’d almost rather pile the girls in the cart and go myself. Things were going fine until about five minutes into the trip when we had to decide which oranges to get the girls. I like to get the seedless oranges, because as much as I love the price of the seeded oranges, picking out seeds before the girls eat a fruit is tedious and annoying. When the choir is shouting at me to come on already, the last thing I want to be doing is dilly dallying about with orange seeds. Well, Ryan found some oranges that I’d never heard of that are dark orange and he swore didn’t have seeds. Wrong-O! There is a seed in every. single. segment. of the orange. If you need me, I’ll be picking seeds out of oranges for the next week.

** After the orange debacle, I knew I was going to have to speed things along and have him collect things that are more cut and dry than find oranges without the seeds. I sent him to get thick cut pork chops, potatoes, yellow or red (and he came back with white), and spinach. The rest was up to me, I knew, because one item was going to be like trying to find the big money in Supermarket Sweep, and I had no idea where on Earth to start. Common sense told me it might be in the baking and spice section, so I wandered over and started reading all of the labels looking for a conspicuous “X” for xanthan gum. I found a recipe to make my own low fat, sugar free coffee creamer, and this is the key ingredient for thickening my concoction. I got about halfway through, and up walks Ryan with a whole slew of questions, “What else do we need?” “What are you looking for?”"Are we done after this?” “Can I helps?” “Is the sky blue?” “Am I pretty?” Wait… that might be me. The aisle was filled with people, and every attempt I made at communicating that I was just looking for an ingredient really quickly was followed up with another question, thus distracting me from my adventures in tiny label reading. I gave up. I couldn’t find any Xs, and Molly started voicing her concerns, loudly, and I was over it. I’ll just order it online.

*** Molly was in full blown baby meltdown by the time we reached the self checkout. (I’m faster than the average checker, so I always do the self checkout now.) I’m boogieing right along when all of a sudden, simultaneously, Molly screams, my tortillas wouldn’t scan, and Ryan asks “Can I have a pop?” Deep breath.

**** Ryan and I choose movies on Netflix alternately so we’re not stuck watching all stupid boy movies or all romantic comedies. The latest movie in his arsenal was Paul. (Quick Review: It’s pretty funny in some parts, if you have the sense of humor of adolescents like we do, but the plot is ridiculous. Paul is an alien from Area 51 who escapes and is trying to get to his spaceship to return home by signaling with fireworks. Two guys from Comic-con aid Paul in his quest, and as their journey continues, chaos follows. People die, stuff blows up, etc.) AnyBmovie, I asked him Wednesday night if he wanted to watch it. His response, “We can!” (insert large sigh) Ryan and I both do this, and we both know that “We can!” means “Not really, jerk.” We do this to each other all the time.

Me: “Honey, do you want me to make chicken for dinner?”
Ryan: “You can!”

Ryan: “Babe, do you want to go do something?” (in the rain and slush with two babies who are nearing the five o’clock fussies)
Me: “Not really, but we can!”

Are we the only couple that does this? That is, communicate in suggested tones and references?

*****  I did our taxes this week, and was all in a tizzy after I did our state taxes because we had to pay a whole $30. We didn’t pay anything last year, so I was confused. It took me a whole night’s sleep to realize that we had more credits last year, and therefore had more taxable income. Genius! What’s weird is that we’re still getting a pretty nice refund. Riddle me that, Batman.

I hope you had a great week! Don’t forget to stop by tomorrow for a few more questions from the 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind series!  

Ten Little Known Stories

1. I’d always been chubby as a kid and not very popular, and unfortunately, back in the day, the clothing options were basically either, over-sized t-shirt and elastic waisted pants, or buy the largest size and hope for the best. I went to school one Fall day, still the unpopular one, wearing one of my “hope for the best” outfits. The shirt was solid mustard yellow and long sleeved, while the faux corduroy pants shared the mustard yellow with tiny dark colored flowers. Hideous comes to mind. During a test, I had the urge to, you know, “go”. My teacher liked me and allowed me to use the restroom, even though we were in the middle of a test, and it was almost recess. I’ve never been an in and out kind of person, and this day was a particularly long visit with the porcelain queen. Just call me Slow Pooper. Recess came and went, my teacher knocked on the door a few times to make sure I hadn’t disappeared or died, and when I emerged, it was to a classroom full of giggles. Me and my bright mustard yellow outfit walked, head down, to our desk, and when I bent over… the pants ripped right down the ass of the pants.  As if my day needed more humility, I had to undress in the restroom with my teacher and she helped me safety pin my pants back together. I walked to the office and called my mom near tears, and she brought me some black stretch pants. To this day, I don’t know which was worse; my safety pinned mustard yellow pants, or the black stretch pants that were too tight and too short. Yes, my life as a child. Thankfully I can laugh at it now!

2. There was a kid on the school bus that used to tell me to cross my legs so my thighs wouldn’t jiggle. Apparently it bothered him. The irony: his best friend was at least twice my size.

3. In 8th grade, I started attending a private school, and we had an end of the year camping trip. I can’t remember the details, but I know I was wearing a white t-shirt one day, and we either tipped a canoe, or went swimming, and I ended up soaking wet. The moment that stands out for me is when I was walking back to my cabin to get some clean, dry clothes on, I walked past my crush and he gave me a weird look, which wasn’t uncommon. (The feelings were never mutual, but are they ever with a crush?) I arrived at the cabin, and realized what had alarmed him. I was cold. Very, very cold. I also had a rosette on the middle of my bra which made it look like I had three very, very cold nipples. I think I might have died for a second.

4. I was as naive as they come when I was fresh out of high school, but somehow managed to balance a checkbook and have my own apartment. When I left my (crappy) job at an insurance company, I began looking for other employment. Any of the jobs that said they required training, I skipped over. It wasn’t because I thought they were going to train me. It was because I thought I was supposed to have already had the training, and thought I was unqualified. All that time I could have been a barista…

5. A few months ago, I went to the post office to mail a package, and I forgot my tape at home. So I grabbed a roll, used it, and put it in my purse. I completely forgot about it by the time I checked out and when I got back in the car, I realized I had just inadvertently stolen tape from the post office. Too embarrassed to return, I called when I got home. The lady that answered giggled and thanked me for my honesty, and told me to just pay for it when I came back. At Christmas time  I went to the post office to mail my gifts, got up to the counter to pay for my packages, and almost forgot to pay for the tape, again. I’m not sure how many people steal tape from the post office, but I was determined to not make that statistic. I did pay for the tape, and the checker was none the wiser, but my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He probably thought I stole something else.

6. My roommate and I went out one night to a charity event that her bar was hosting, and I had a little too much fun. I woke up the next day in literal pain from dancing, and dangerously hung over. She insisted that we go through the drive through at McDonald’s because  hangovers plus grease equals All Better. The smell of the fries started creeping their way up my nose, my roommate ordered a whole slew of greasy food, and when we pulled up to the window to pay, I threw open the door and yeah… all over the drive through lane. So classy.

7. I went on a silent date once in high school. The kid picked me up in his dad’s mustang that had been freshly cleaned, but there was exactly zero attraction. We drove to the movie not even attempting small talk. I should have just gotten out of the car in my driveway. The movie wasn’t good enough to hold his attention and he fell asleep. Afterward, still not having said more than a friendly hello, he drove me home in silence. I practically ran to my front door after muttering a quick thank you. He was a strange little dude. I’ve heard of silent movies, but I’ve never heard of a silent date.

8. I have diarrhea of the mouth sometimes. A born and bred over sharer. I had just broken up with my first serious boyfriend in high school, my first real love. Of course, I was a mess. Not one to hide my emotions well, I had to speak at a school event that night. It was a Christian school, and most of our events revolved around God and praising, and of course a time to share testimonies about God’s love. Well, I was sharing my testimony alright. I stood there and sobbed about how my boyfriend had dumped me and told me he didn’t love me and wasn’t sure he ever had. I over shared that I knew God had always loved me, and that He was going to get me through this, that no matter what Andy had said, my life was worth something because God loved me… in front of over half of the student body. Slow Clap, ass hat.

9. So, I don’t love  my boobs. If I was to choose one thing to have plastic surgery on, it would be these bad girls. So, when I have to wear strapless anything, I cringe. It’s hard enough hiking these puppies up with TWO straps, but take away that leverage, and I’ve got nothin’. They just go south. Ten years ago, when I was getting married the first time, corsets were all the rage. Women were starting to do boudoir shoots, everyone wore them under their dresses, and lingerie shops were selling them like hot cakes. I saw a few I liked at work one day, because I couldn’t wait until I got home, and decided to try and find one near me. (And used 30% of my company’s internet that year to look for wedding ideas and school information. Kids, don’t try this at work.) My mom, sister, and I walked into the lingerie shop and told the nice lady what I was looking for. She immediately returned with a few options to try. Being a bigger girl, it was hard to believe that I was going to find anything to make the girls look good. The first corset wouldn’t go over my shoulders. Bonk. The second bra had clips, so that was out. Booonk. Then there was the third corset. My mom helped me wiggle it over my shoulders and get it into place. Then my sister came in and the giggles started. From the front, everything was fine! My boobs were UP for the first time since birth, and I had a waist! The tighter the cords went, the more giggling and snorting there was, and the more ridiculous I was beginning to look. Think 250 lb. Dolly Parton. My mom and sister were about to wet themselves, and I was still oblivious to what was going on back there. I was laughing because they were laughing. By the time they finally got all of the cords tightened, my boobs looked like ice cream cones. Flat on the bottom and giant on top. I was dying from laughter not, too. Unable to breathe from the corset, and turning blue from laughing, they turned me around to see the back. I had a butt crack from my butt, aaaaaall the way up my back to my shoulder blades. Back fat’s a real bummer. By now, the other patrons in the store are laughing because of our hysterics, and the occasional “Kallay McCRACKen” flying over the dressing room door in our best Irish accents. Even the nice lady that was helping us came over to see if she could diffuse the situation, only to crumble into laughter when we showed her the corset gone wrong. We not-so-gracefully wiggled me out of the corset’s grip, and I put my clothes back on. Deflated, quite literally, but also relieved that I wouldn’t have to go through that on my wedding day. My makeup wouldn’t have made it through all of that.

10. I’m queen of the “That’s What She Saids” and have been since I was young. Sexual innuendos just came to me late, I guess, and now you just never ever know what’s going to come out of my mouth. When I was in junior high, one of my favorite movies was Empire Records. It’s hysterical, and one of my favorite scenes is when Gina comes out of the bathroom wearing the new Music Towne aprons, and Rex Manning is standing there eating her with his eyes. She asks, “Welcome to Music Towne! May I service you!?” I thought it was funny because of the outfit, everyone else thought it was funny because she was clearly offering more than help with a music selection.  Fast forward a few years… My aunt was visiting from Minnesota and like an idiot, I was going to offer her a drink and instead of asking “Would you like a beverage?”, I asked “May I service you?” Everyone died laughing, except me, because I still didn’t get it.  Someone finally explained to me that I was offering my aunt sexual favors. At least I didn’t offer her “a falatio” rather than “a facial”, that was offered to someone else. Oops.

What’s one of your most embarrassing life stories?

Don’t forget to link up with Mama Kat for today’s Writer’s Workshop!

These days always make me realize how many food pins I have. Thankfully this week, *most* of them are healthy.

This one looks like it’s unhealthy, but really, it’s the healthiest nutty brownie you’ll find at 160 calories and 9 grams of fat.

Source: Ellie Krieger

This made me drool all over myself. But seriously. My mouth sprayed water. Behold the Guacamole Grilled Cheese. Aaaaaaameeeeen.

Source: Two Peas and Their Pod

The cupcakes look delightful, but look at the teacups! I’m in love.

Source: Bakingdom

This would be worth learning to sew:

Source: Etsy

I’m seriously considering slowly but surely replacing all of my dishes with mixed and matched patterns and colors. Look how gorgeous these are! There’s even a sugar bowl and water pitcher! I mean, come on! How am I not supposed to want this?

Source: AnaRosa @ Tumblr

When I’m at my healthy weight again, I’m so wearing this: (chubby cheeks and fat calves do not equal aviator glasses and cute boots)

Source: Polyvore

Source: Polyvore

This mom’s trying to show us ALL up. With a menu plan this detailed, I’d be willing to bet that she folds her thongs, too.

Source: Sugar Doodle

These are neither cozy nor practical, but they sure are magnificent to look at.

Source: Eat Drink Chic

We’ll call it a Placebo Party, and dress up like it’s  the morning after!

Source: Relatable Blog

Isn’t this the damned truth!?

Source: The Colors of My Mind @ Tumblr

I’m feeling like this watching the debates this year.

Source: Cat Macros

Check out my Food Fodder post today for Turkey Burgers with Mushrooms & Onions! Delicious! 

I use the pre-formed turkey patties for this as opposed to making my own burgers, mostly because this is meant to be our quick meal and getting my hands all gloppy with turkey, while extremely fun, is not conducive to hurrying. I serve ours with spinach salad because the balsamic vinegar I use on the salad leaks down into the burger and makes it taste oh. so. good.

Turkey Burgers with Mushrooms and Onions
Serves 4 

4 Jennie-O Turkey Patties (Or 1 # ground turkey formed into 4 patties)
1 c. sliced mushrooms
1/2 c. sliced red onions
1 t. chopped garlic
2 T. olive oil
Reduced Fat Cheese (2% Swiss or Sharp Cheddar are my favorites)
Seasoned Salt (to taste)
Salt and Pepper (to taste)

1. Preheat a pan over med-high to high heat. Season one side of patties with seasoned salt and pepper. Add olive oil to pan, and begin searing the burgers. Season other side of burger patties with seasoned salt and pepper. Flip burgers and cook until done. DO NOT PRESS DOWN ON BURGERS, it will make them dry. Cook until browned on both sides. Add cheese to all of the burgers and put the lid on the pan to melt.

2. Set burgers aside and add mushrooms and onions to the pan. (no need to add more oil if it’s a well seasoned pan or nonstick) Sprinkle with a little bit of salt (1/4 – 1/2 t.) to release liquid from mushrooms. Cook until evenly browned.

3. Top each burger with sauteed vegetables. Serve with spinach salad, roasted cauliflower, or any other vegetable you prefer.

Want more delicious and healthy recipes? Visit the Food Fodder tab! 

This post is a part of Wednesday’s iPhone Photo Phun with a belle, a bean, & a chicago dog and Taming Insanity! Go link up!

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It’s Belly Laugh Day! 

Did you know?

LAUGHTER: 

* is contagious!

* decreases pain, which increases your immunity!

* can help fight the common cold, or anything else that ails you by boosting your immune system!

* prevents HEART DISEASE!

* relaxes your muscles. (oooommmm…giggle giggle.)

* helps strengthen relationships and social bonds. (You’ve heard the saying: “The couple that plays together, stays together!”)

* makes you more resilient. (“We’ll laugh about this later!”)

* lowers stress hormones, therefore relieving stress, anxiety, and even fear!

* helps you gain perspective and allows you to feel less overwhelmed.

* puts others around you at ease.

I grew up in a family that loves to laugh. We are always joking around, teasing each other, and generally having a good time together. Even when my grandma was having open heart surgery, we managed to laugh. Truth be told, we were obnoxious, but hours and hours of stress wouldn’t have done anyone any good.

My uncle is a “loud talker” even when it’s just you and him. Add a cellphone to that loud voice, and you have a recipe for waiting room comedy. While we were waiting for news about my grandma’s progress, he received a phone call, and rather than going out in the hall, he sat right in that waiting room and talked his little heart out. LOUDLY. For ALL to hear. We all started getting the giggles, and pretty soon were laughing hysterically. He was talking so loud, we couldn’t concentrate or think about what we were reading ourselves. So, naturally, we started reading our books and magazines out loud, politely at first, and then… not. That waiting room turned into a shouting match; my uncle talking over all of us reading our mysteries, home cleaning tips, and business articles at a deafening level.  The other people in the waiting room (yes, there were others) started giggling along with us, except for this one eyebrow raising couple who were clearly too adult for us and too mature to lighten up and share a guffaw with strangers.  My uncle, still none the wiser, ended his phone call, and went back to quietly reading his book to himself as if nothing ever happened.

This is the family I grew up in.

My grandma is fine, by the way. She came through her surgery with flying colors last year, and has been better than ever!  Her ability to laugh at the little things has taught us to do the same. This lesson has gotten me through so many tragedies, so many disappointments, and so many bad days. All we have to do it laugh, and suddenly nothing is as bad as it seems.

A few of my favorite funny posts: 

* We sleep in a taco.

* Random Musings!

* Just Call Me Helen

* About a run.

* About another run.

* A HILARIOUS guest post by Ally and Salt.

* It even hurts to type.

Other Places to FIND the Funny!

* 2birds1blog

* Hyperbole and a Half

* Pinterest.com – Gimme Giggles

Come on! Let’s LAUGH! 

Sources:

Help Guide (dot) Org - An excellent article on laughter, and how to lighten up!

Why Laughter is Good For You

Why Laughter is Good For Your Marriage

{thank you!}

This recipe was inspired by The Wednesday Chef, who was inspired by Melissa Clark of The New York Times. It’s a simple, super fast, ONE PAN  meal. Plus, it’s healthy and really delicious. Perfect for low carb dieting. I reduced the olive oil and sprinkled on some reduced fat Parmesan cheese. I also can’t have shrimp without garlic, so I added some of that, too. My oven runs a little cooler, because it’s old, so I roasted mine at 450 degrees, but you can certainly roast at 425 degrees as well. Go easy on the lemon juice at the end, too, no need to make it taste like lemonade! I forgot to take my own picture before I ate it all up. I was starving, surely you’ll forgive me. Until next time, please enjoy the beautiful representation of the meal by The Wednesday Chef.

Roasted Garlic Shrimp and Broccoli
Serves 4

2 pounds broccoli, cut into bite-size florets
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon whole coriander seeds (or 1/2 teaspoon ground)
1 teaspoon whole cumin seeds (or 1/2 teaspoon ground)
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon hot chili powder (or cayenne)
1 t. chopped garlic
1 pound large shrimp, shelled and deveined
Zest of one lemon
Juice of half of a lemon (or serve wedges for presentation)
Reduced Fat Parmesan Cheese (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. In a large bowl, toss broccoli with 1 tablespoon oil, coriander, cumin, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, and chili powder. In a separate bowl, combine shrimp, remaining 1 tablespoon oil, lemon zest, chopped garlic, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper.

2. Spread broccoli in a single layer on a baking sheet. Roast for 10 minutes. Add shrimp to baking sheet and toss with broccoli. Roast, tossing once halfway through, until shrimp are just opaque and broccoli is tender and browning on the tips, about 10 minutes.

3. Serve with lemon wedges for presentation, or squeeze a little lemon juice over shrimp and broccoli just before serving. Sprinkle with reduced fat Parmesan Cheese. Served with or without rice, it’s a delicious and filling meal.

We were away at my in-laws this weekend and our scales are about 6-7 pounds off, so I’m going to weigh in tomorrow to get an accurate weight. (because I obviously haven’t gained 7 pounds since Thursday! Yikes! Talk about heart failure!)

Also, look for recipes mixed in with regular posts this week. I’ve got some GREAT ones for you. Especially if you crave chocolate.  Don’t forget to look me up on My Fitness Pal, too! The more the merrier!

My NSV (Non Scale Victory) for this week was all of the exercise I managed to fit in! It’s the most I’ve done in months! I took a long walk with my mother in law this weekend around their property which was probably about three miles! I was so proud of myself, and my heart, for not having to give up. I can’t tell you how fantastic it feels to be able to workout hard without being afraid. It feels like a graduation.

We’ve got some killer nap weather here today, so I’m going to take advantage and read my book. I’m hoping to cross a few more things off of my list for this month this week, too.

How are your goals for 2012 coming along? Feeling good or do you feel like you need some motivation already? 

MEAL PLAN MONDAY!

I’m really excited about our menu this week. I found a recipe for these “Oopsie rolls” that are supposed to be low carb and taste delicious. We’re going to give it a whirl and see how it goes with some low carb BBQ Beef Sandwiches. I’ll let you know how it goes down.

Here’s what I’m cooking this week! 

White Chicken Chili 

“Smothered” Pork Chops (I made these this weekend with red onion, and olive oil instead of butter. SO delicious.) 

Chicken Stirfry

Roasted Shrimp and Broccoli

Turkey Burgers

Low Carb BBQ Braised Beef Sandwiches (Oopsie Rolls)

When I was young, we used to go to church with my grandma at her very traditional First Congregational Church. We sang hymns, we listened to the minister tell his family friendly joke of the week, the announcements were made, the children would rush tot he front of the church and listen to the message, and then we would go to our Sunday school classes. Sometimes I went, and sometimes I stayed put with my grandma. Better to sit with her, sucking on my Hall’s cough drop, than have to go face my peers. I was never the cool kid. Ever. No one ever fought to sit with me on the bus, no one ever copied my style, and if they ever chose me first for a team, it was clearly a dream. You’d think in a house of God that kids (and adults) would be a little nicer; give us dorks a little reprieve.  It never happened. So, I sat in the pews with my grandma and listened to my tummy rumble and echo, begging sleep to please leave me be. Getting “scolded” in church was more embarrassing than being the fat kid.

When I was in middle school, Sundays turned into homework days. My mom or grandma prepared some sort of slow cooking roast and after eating I had to somehow muster up the energy to do my lessons. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t. The only thing I looked forward to less than Sunday, was Monday morning.  I never knew what the week would bring, but I knew it probably wouldn’t be good. When you’re the ugly duckling, optimism is a thing of mystery.

Now that I’m a grown-up (I use that term loosely), Sundays are more relaxing. I like waking up slowly, now that the girls are sleeping until about 7:30 or 8. Sometimes we watch movies and cuddle on the couch, but lately we’ve been going to church, which would be a lot more enjoyable if we could find one. Ryan usually takes a nap in the afternoon when the girls sleep, and then I am free to spend the afternoon reading, whether it’s books or blogs or the news, catching up on the week’s happenings. I look more forward to the week ahead when I can find a little piece of quiet to meditate on. It’s nice to have a day to recharge the batteries now. Dreading a specific day every single day of your life is exhausting. I still dread some days, but thankfully, it’s not every week. I’m enthusiastically glad I’m past that stage in life.

~*~*~*~*~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Jackson Pollock... oh, the insanity. He knew how to Free His Mind.

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9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

If I get really deep with it, I suppose God has (“Only I know the path I have chosen for you”, says the Lord…), but on the other hand, He gives us the freedom to choose. I am never naive enough to think that I am always in control. I make good choices and bad choices alike, but hopefully less of the latter. I wrote about living with regret a while back, and this paragraph stands out to me today in response to this question:

The truth is no one will ever know the extent of my situations like I do. No one will ever know what the right choice should be like I will. I just have to learn to trust myself. In order to live without regrets, I must live in my own life rather than letting someone else tell me how to live in it. At the end of the day, my head is going on my pillow with my thoughts and my feelings and I’d rather fall asleep knowing that I made a decision rather than resenting someone for influencing and choosing it for me. Whether it be mothering my children, nurturing my marriage, growing my relationship with God, building friendships, or just being my true self. These are all up to me.

…and God.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I think even more than these, I am more concerned about doing anything. This goes back to the question about trying vs. failing. I’m not always going to do things right, and that’s good, because sometimes failure leads you to your next success. I’m not always going to do the right things either, and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Sure, there are some definitive “wrong things” like stealing, being disrespectful, etc. which I would feel terrible for doing, and so avoid. There are also “wrong things” like coloring outside of the lines, staying up late to finish a great book (and being dead tired in the morning), and eating a delicious but not nutritious dessert. Something has to bring joy in life, and sometimes it’s the wrong thing. So, I’m less concerned about the right things, and more concerned about living and just doing something, anything that will bring me closer to success and real JOY.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

I’m not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that I have never spoken badly about a friend because of a peer pressure situation. I have friends who have spoken badly about me, and I have friends who have spoken badly about their friends.  Is it right? No. But it happens to all of us. On the flip side though, I have also stuck up for friends. I have fought my fear of confrontation and have told people where to go. Sometimes a situation demands that you put on your battle armor and fight the good fight.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

GO BACK IN!!!!

Also, to enjoy childhood as fully and as vigorously as they can, because before you know it, you’re holding your own newborn, and wishing you could be back in the yard at dusk catching fireflies.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

If breaking the law means that no one else is getting hurt, then yes. I wouldn’t steal money, kill someone out of anger, break into someone’s home, or commit any other violent or horrific crimes for a loved one. There’s loyalty and then there’s stupidity.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Jackson Pollock. I’m looking at you, darling.

I see this in books a lot, too. Stephen King, in particular. His books are terrifying, but what an insanely wonderful imagination that man has.

So, yes! Daily!

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Give birth.
Nap. (As in, I suck at it. I always wake up more tired.)
I don’t enjoy Starbucks coffee or give them my business.
I don’t spank my kids.
I grow my own vegetables and herbs.
I forgive easily.
I’m not afraid to try new things, if the price is right.
I don’t have credit cards.
I wear pink bunny slippers in my house all day.
I use FAGE greek yogurt instead of sour cream.

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

{1 – 3}
{4 – 8}

Filed under: 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind, Brain Drain, Heart on My Sleeve Tagged: 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind, books, break the law?, Controlling, Friendship, giving into peer pressure, God, i suck at napping, Jackson Pollock, LIVE for JOY, Stephen King, Truth ]]> http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/01/21/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind-9-15/feed/ 3 kallaydoscope pollock http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/01/20/random-musings-friday-2/ http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/01/20/random-musings-friday-2/#comments Fri, 20 Jan 2012 21:27:04 +0000 Kallay Carr-Beers http://kallaydoscope.com/?p=1999 ]]>

Happy Friday to ya!

No blanks today because Lauren had her little darling, Fern! Go and congratulate her on their new arrival! She’s a little dolly.

Now for some Random Musings:

* I had one of those moments this week. You know those “That moment when…” sayings all over Pinterest? Well, it’s Winter, and I don’t shave my legs every day, but the other day I just had to shave. I put on my workout pants, which are capris, and for the love, I was hairy. So after my workout, I got in the shower, was all warm and toasty, shaved every tiny little crevice of my leg, even my KNEES which I always forget, got out of the shower…. and got the chills. o.O God, I hate that.

** I’m throwing in the towel on Wuthering Heights. I think in order to win the war, sometimes you have to lose the battle.  This book is taking entirely too long, and I only have 10 days left this month to finish two books. I’m not going to finish that crazy English in 10 days, so I’ve picked up The Memory Keeper’s Daughter again (I started it in 2009 and never finished), and plan on reading that by February 1st. I’m annoyed, to say the least, but I tried. I’m not saying I won’t ever read it, but right now, I want to stay on track with my 25 book goal for the year, and I have WAY too much going on this month to focus on such complex language. Plus, every time I pick up the book it pisses me off, and reading is supposed to be relaxing.

*** I’ve lost 17 pounds since Christmas, and 11 pounds since I started the 17 Day Diet again, 19 days ago. I’m on Cycle 2 now, and I’m feeling great! My mom made brownies this week though, but I resisted! (And just imagined the taste instead, which only made things worse.) Working out helped. Every time I climb on the treadmill, I’m given a reminder of just how out of shape I am. I used to warm up at 3.5 mph, now it’s my fast pace for walking. Ridiculous.

**** Speaking of walking… I’ve decided to do a 5K this Spring. I’ll be running by then though.  I’m keeping track of my workouts on Fitocracy and My Fitness Pal. If you are a member, friend me! If not, join! It’s fun! (And then friend me!) Especially Fitocracy because you earn points for all of your exercises. If you love recognition and badges and points as much as I do, you’ll love this! I wasn’t planning on doing any kind of organized events this year, but then I learned about this tragedy through my sister, who was very close friends with him and his family, and I had to do something.

From their website:

This past Christmas (2011), Jim Vellenga, age 36, passed away unexpectedly.  A true family man, dear friend and family member, and all-around-great-guy, Jim is deeply missed by those who knew and loved him.  Because he was born with congenital heart defects, Jim understood, in ways most of us don’t, that life is a gift. He used his time on earth to serve and bless others and, indeed, he did.  He fought the good fight and finished the race set before him. Because of Jim’s pre-exisiting heart conditions, life insurance was not an option.  Considering this, we want to offer a different kind of “insurance” this May, providing funds for the Vellenga family to pay bills and support their needs.  So, we invite you to make it count and join the team, “Jogging for Jimmy” to raise money for his wife, Sarah and their children, Aiden (age 8) and Addison (age 6).

I’m going to be setting up a pledge account in the next month or so, so keep an eye out for that. I would love any and all help you could provide! I would love to be able to present them with $1,000 raised from all of my wonderful readers in May when we  Jog for Jimmy! I can’t wait! How wonderful that we have the opportunity to help the family of someone who meant so much to so many. More details coming very soon!

***** I have something very, very, VERY exciting happening on BIRTHDAY week. Here’s a clue: I’m FINALLY having the blog redesigned by the fantastic Booyah’s Momma! Did I give it away? Thanks to the fine ladies at Eli Rose Social Media, I’m also having the blog assessed and making changes that will help me bring the blog to the next level! It’s like an early birthday present! I can’t even being to describe the elation. This has been such a long time coming, and the dream is finally coming true! Crossing another thing off the 101 list!

I hope you’re having a wonderful week! Don’t forget to link up with Shana, if you’re musing randomly today! Her dad just returned home from the hospital after being hit by a car! Miracles happen!

There were times in my life when I was as introverted as I could be. All holed up in my first apartment with zero friends and a penchant for pizza rolls, I was the epitome of Introverted. I read books upon books, wrote in journals, painted watercolors, and worked in customer service, where I talked to people, but never really talked. I wore baggy clothes, had zero interest in makeup or fashion, and had no issues going to movies or out to eat by myself. I’m not sure it was because I didn’t like people though. It was fear, I think, that drove me into my rabbit hole.

Then there were the Extroverted years — the years I sold Mary Kay (God, I loved that job) and learned all about the DISC personality types. (Take that, PIPA.) I took the test, which revealed that I was an “I” personality. The “I” stands for Influential, and in sales, this was a wonderful thing. People are drawn to these magnetic personality types. We were the excited ones, the people who could talk a mile a minute about everything they loved about a product. We were persuasive because people wanted more of whatever we had. People wanted to be around us, because we were positive and outgoing and so. damned. happy. We were contagious. And we had gorgeous shoes.

I finally found a balance in my mid-20s. I was a cafe manager and my business needed both sides of my personality to shine, thankfully not all at the same time. Sometimes I had to hole myself up in my office and get my paperwork done and to get organized. I had to be a cheerleader for my team and use my contagiousness to upsell coffee to customers. I had a social life that allowed me to be the life of the party, to be funny, and be the center of attention.

Now? As I’m wiggling into a new role, getting more comfortable with my direction in life, and settling into my thirties, I am feeling like an Extroverted Introvert. I still crave recognition. I still love to be around people. I LOVE being the center of attention. But I’m also great at being alone now. I’m good at writing and being silent. I’m content being reflective. I’m organized. (which as an “I” personality was so far out of my grasp) I’m still an “I” personality, but I’ve learned, through my experiences, to balance it with responsibility. I’ve learned a few other things too.

Ten Things I Learned as an Extrovert (As a former Introvert)

1. Eating pizza rolls alone makes you fat. Sharing with others? Not.

2. Not being able to find your receipts does matter at tax time.

3. If you’re happy and you know it, so will others.

4. Alone : Content :: Loneliness : Depression

5. Crowds are not scary, small talk is.

6. It’s hard to be the center of attention in a crowd.

7. Being tall helps. Especially in heels.

8. I like hugs.

9. I have foot in mouth disease.

10. I’m an over sharer.

If you’re a blogger, SOPA could take away your right to free speech whenever they deemed necessary, your income, and a pastime millions of people enjoy. The issue is complex and can’t be summed up in a few sentences explaining why it’s even ON the voting floor in the first place, but it can be boiled down to one thing: MONEY. A few companies are losing it because of their refusal to conform to the digital era and to put strategies in place to protect themselves and the consumer. Instead, they are relying on the government to protect their assets by giving themselves the power to blackout content at their discretion. It’s ridiculous, but also scary.

It’s not about the internet. It’s about your freedom. 

Take Action.

Sign The Petition. 

A message from WordPress: Many websites are blacked out today to protest proposed U.S. legislation that threatens internet freedom: the Stop Internet Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA). From personal blogs to giants like WordPress and Wikipedia, sites all over the web — including this one — are asking you to help stop this dangerous legislation from being passed. Please watch the video below to learn how this legislation will affect internet freedom, then scroll down to take action.

Video: http://vimeo.com/31100268

Take Action: Fight For The Future (dot) Org

{via}

Sometimes I need a little reminder of things that make me HAPPY!
Sometimes you have to fight for your happiness.
This is me fighting.

Ten Things That Make Me HAPPY 

1. It’s snowing sideways, which is the perfect excuse for pajama pants.

2. It’s also a good excuse for  Healthy Hot Chocolate.

3. This Book.

4. I have lost 11 pounds since the beginning of January.

5. I’m accomplishing everything I set out to do this month, and the month’s not even over yet!

6. Essie – splash of grenadine!

7. The girls are learning what “NO!” means. (and sometimes yielding to it, too!)

8. HOPE (That it will all work out.)

9. The Promise. (of a new day)

10. Laughter. And LOTS of it.

What’s making you happy today?

Happy Monday!

It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day! 

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’

- Martin Luther King Jr.

Another week of eating salads has paid off!

My weigh in this morning showed a FIVE pound weight loss! That makes my total for (round two of) Cycle 1 of The 17 Day Diet ELEVEN pounds so far! It also means I am only SIX pounds away from losing one hundred pounds! It’s important for me to be accountable to myself, but if you’re reading and getting excited and using my journey for your inspiration, I figured I should give you real numbers. It really irks me when I see women who are all teeny and skinny and weigh 105 pounds, but you have no idea how tall they are. It matters! 145 for me is THIN, but for you (if you’re short) it might be beyond what is healthy.

Height: 5’9″
Starting Weight (December 7, 2010): 315
Goal Weight #1: 199 (Come on ONEderland!!)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 145
Last Week’s Weight: 226
Current Weight: 221
Current Size: 18

Come join me at My Fitness Pal and track your progress!

Something I’ve learned, from my long time message board girls, is that you need to have a victory beyond the scale. We call them NSVs or Non Scale Victories. When you get to those last few weeks of trying to lose those last ten or fifteen pounds, these are especially important. I’m not anywhere near that yet, but I’ve found that focusing on eating right and exercise rather than on a number, is so much easier. I can’t control the scale, but I can control what I eat and how much I exercise. It’s so much fun to see yourself getting more fit and going from barely able to do a push up on your knees to being able to do ten “real” push ups or running faster times. My other favorite thing about losing weight is being able to pull my jeans off without buttoning them, or having a shirt that used to be too tight get too baggy, and not having a choice but to need to go shopping.

Are you losing weight? What is your NSV of the week?

MEAL PLAN MONDAY!

I don’t like assigning the days of the week a meal because sometimes I’m not hungry for chicken or fish or whatever, so I just buy the ingredients for the meals on the plan and then make what I want on any given night. It’s easier to stick to something when I have a little bit of flexibility. Like I’ve said a million times, I like to be spontaneous within a plan. Thursday I start Cycle 2 of The 17 Day Diet, so I can start adding carbs into my breakfast and lunches, too.

Fun Fact! Did you know that cinnamon has been proven to help regulate blood sugar? Add a dash to your oatmeal or mix it with a packet of Truvia to sprinkle over apple slices!

Here’s what I’m cooking this week! 

Dinner

Broiled Fish with Lemon*
Turkey Burgers with Sauteed Mushrooms & Onions*
Teriyaki Chicken Stirfry (green beans, onions, mushrooms, peppers)
Turkey Chili
Garlic Shrimp with Green Beans*
“Smothered” Pork Chops
Lunch

Quinoa Salad with Grilled Chicken*

Dessert

Chia Seed Pudding

*Recipes coming next week!

What are you cooking this week?

Thank you to At The Pink of Perfection and My Vickilicious Life!

Thank you to Scraps of Life!

Thank you to Organizing Junkie!

But it’s not here.

And that’s important.

I live in a volatile environment. One half of a mile down the road is a tiny city that is in desperate need of a miracle. To give you an idea, if you look up the city on one of those new websites that maps out sex offenders and crime, it’s lit up like a Christmas tree.  There is more crime per capita in that city than in Detroit. That’s scary! I want a church that can help with that.

I don’t have a lot of friends here. Part of that is because we don’t have a lot of extra income to just go out and have lunch or coffee. I know I’m not the only one in this situation. Church has always helped with that. When I lived in Washington I had a small group that got together once a week for bible study and it was a ton of fun! We ate and chatted, and talked about our study for the week. The church I used to attend always had volunteering opportunities, I was involved in ushering and greeting, and the bible study I was in was a group of really nice women who were fun to be around and lifted me up when they had no idea they were having a positive effect on my life. I need a church here for that. I don’t want all of my friends to be an hour away. My best friends are scattered all across the country. I’m good on long distance friendships.

My marriage needs help. We need to be around Christ-centered people with Christ-centered marriages. Period.

But first I need a church that doesn’t require panty hose, and doesn’t flippantly discuss other religions as if they are the experts. I need a church that doesn’t require you to have an ah ha! moment every single Sunday. I need a church that has something to say and says it in a way that I am able to receive it personally. Altar calls are fine once a year, but it’s uncomfortable for me to see it every Sunday.  I need a church where my children will be comfortable and not feel like they need to make a decision about their faith before the age of 10.

Every time I walk into a new church here, I feel like my heart is wondering “Are you my church?” and every Sunday it’s met with disappointment. I honestly didn’t believe it was going to be this hard, but then again, I didn’t expect it to be easy either. And so we press on with “Are You My Church? Sunday”.  As maddening and frustrating as it can be.

~*~*~*~*~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Happy Sunday! 

Have you ever had to go church shopping? Or have you ever been disappointed in your community for not being able to fill a certain need? (good produce, a safe park, good schools, etc.) 

Welcome to another Fill in the Blank Random Friday! Come link up with Lauren at the little things we do and with Shana at Fumbling Towards Normalcy!

* It’s been a rough week around here, even though Ryan has started working again. I think the stress of the past two weeks caught up with us and just blew up. Here’s to a relaxing weekend! It certainly helps that we have about twelve inches of snow hanging around from last night to keep us cozy. Getting out of the house was a little tricky this morning, though, what with the snow drift in front of the door and all.

Hm...

** I’ve said every day for the past two weeks that I am going to paint my nails. Today is the day. This time I mean it. Really.

Thankfully, I'm a little better at it than this.

{bad nails via}

I even picked out a color!

essie - splash of grenadine

*** I’m reading Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, and it’s making me feel like a complete numb skull. Honestly, when the character starts speaking in old Irish slang, I am lost without a map. I have eighteen days to finish this thing, and I’m barely through chapter 5. Someone save me. I thought reading The Classics would make me feel better about myself, but all it’s doing is chipping away at my pride. Neato. Do you have this problem when you read a book in an unfamiliar realm?

**** The one day I’m happy to have a blood line of Hungarian gypsies would have to be today. According to them, today is a lucky day. Take that, black cats. My mom has always told us to be excited about Friday the 13th, because the gypsy side of us would make it lucky. However, the kids on the bus thought I was full of shit, thus making my day seemingly unlucky. As an adult, I still look forward to today. You never know when it could actually turn out to be lucky! (Krysten is giving away an adorable Vivien Frank wish bracelet today, so in case you’re NOT Hungarian gypsy and need some more luck, check out her giveaway!)

***** Want some more random? All I’ve got is clean bunny slippers. They were feeling a little flat and looking pretty rough, so I threw them in the washer and they came out feeling and smelling like new! I was so excited, I posted it as my status on Facebook. {And I wonder why people think I’m a nerd.}

How ’bout some blanks?

6.  When I finish filling in the blanks I’m going to make a smoothie, feed the girls lunch, tackle my short to do list, and then hopefully it will be nap time. Then I’ll paint my nails and read my book that makes me feel like a dumb ass. Oh, and have some Healthy Hot Chocolate and enjoy the snow.

I said “You are intelligent!”,
And all you said was “Gooooo!”

Dada is your favorite word,
though your days are spent with me.

My dear, my sweet, my darling babes,
When will you speak with me?

I hope and pray my words are clear,
that you know my praises are true.

That one day you will stop and say
“I’m Beautiful, I’m Intelligent, and Important, too.” 

-Kallay (Mommy)

Krysten of Why Girls Are Weird wrote about this site, Operation Beautiful, the other day and I had to share it with you. I love the idea and the passion behind it. We are all our own worst critics, constantly doubting our appearance, our talents, and some of us even doubt our worth. How sad that we rely on a bottle, a potion, or a lotion for self esteem and confidence. The task is simple: write an inspiring note on a post-it and stick them all around town! The idea is to uplift women where they’re standing. To empower, to make someone’s day, to bring a smile to someone’s face. To make the women in your community feel more beautiful, but this time with words, rather than a mascara wand. I love this plan to create a wave of confidence, a new movement of women encouraging women. It’s important, I think, especially as mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends, that we practice giving compliments, that we show the younger generations and our children what beauty is and where it starts. That true beauty doesn’t reflect itself in a mirror, it shows in our actions, how kind we are to each other, and how kind we are to ourselves.

It’s called Operation Beautiful. You can read the full mission here, but I encourage you to try this, even just once.

My favorite quote from the site is: “Change the way you see, not the way you look.” 

Leave your notes in a place a woman will surely find it! Do it once, or use up a whole pad of post-it notes like Krysten! The idea is to uplift each other, and I think no matter where we’re at in life, a little note to remind us how beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful we are could never do any harm.

Here are some of my favorite ideas of places to hide your notes:

* Tampon boxes
* The Beauty Department (Target, grocery stores, etc.)
* Mirrors in public restrooms
* The back of a door in a public restroom
* Leave one in your grocery cart
* Stick one to a pack of diapers, formula, or baby food (a tired mother will appreciate it!)
* On a weight loss product
* On the back of a DVD (workout or otherwise)
* Inside of a beauty or fashion magazine
* The tag of a piece of clothing or bathing suit
* Windshields
* Mailboxes of your neighbors
* With your tip or the receipt for your server
* On an ATM machine or credit card machine at the store
* On the floor mirrors in a shoe department
* Near the kitchen sink at a friend’s home
* Waiting rooms (doctor’s office, dentist, etc.)

I have so many ideas. Everywhere you go, carry your post-it pad, and let inspiration hit you. They say smiles are contagious, so why not spread the love and give someone a smile?

You can write something as simple as “You are beautiful!” -operationbeautiful.com or as complicated as your favorite excerpt from a book. Just get out there, and tell someone they are beautiful.

This post is linked up with:

So, we got in a fight. She tossed a shelf and broke half of my appliances, and I’m still (months later) finding broken glass from my blender. (But seriously, a shelf FELL OFF THE WALL in my pantry and half of my appliances met a messy death. Thank God for BIRTHDAY!)

After many months of digging through food to find a can of tomato sauce, cheating death by glass shards, and running out of room for my canning supplies, enough was enough.

I began looking on Pinterest at pretty pantries to get inspired. So it goes, I drooled and wished, and pinned and planned… and then reality shook her jagged ass nail in my face and said “Girl! You don’t got no room up in here for all this shizzay!”, because reality’s a raggedy ho. Also, my laundry room/pantry is a shoe box.

I made it work though. Between Target’s Dollar Spot and their ultra low prices, I scored a shelf and eleven storage containers for less than $60. Plus, I had a gift card from Christmas, so it was basically free to me. (And we got some other extra fun things, too!) Fist. Pump.

The best part? I get to cross something off my 101 list! Chair dance!!

Me and my pantry? We’ve made up.

Here are my BEFORES, AFTERS, and DASHED DREAMS. Enjoy!

BEFORE - Above Washer

AFTER - Above Washer

BEFORE - Above Dryer

AFTER - Above Dryer

BEFORE - Shelves of Hell

BEFORE - Canning Supplies/Recycling/Horror

AFTER - HAPPY Shelves!

AFTER - EVERYTHING In Its Place!!

BEFORE - Coat Rack

AFTER - Coat Rack! Look at all that free storage space!

But I still wish for these someday… (Click on image to see pin!)

Source: getgreenhome.com

Source: Blog

Source: Link

Source: houzz.com

Source: beiteversohumble.com

Source: houseofsmiths.blogspot.com

Come link up with us! Dutch Being Me, Taming Insanity and belle, bean, and a chicago dog, The Vintage Apple, and This Kind of Love for a fantastic Pinterest, iPhone Phun, Love filled Wednesday! If you haven’t already, don’t forget to enter the fantastic giveaway at The Vintage Apple! I am dying to get one of those Birchbox Beauty Boxes!

I need it.

I could never stick to a diet that didn’t allow me to have it.

And I just found a way to make it an insanely low calorie beverage.

I’m talking about Hot Chocolate.

It’s a Winter staple.

Okay, it’s a food group.

And now we can have it guilt free.

Enjoy!

Healthy Hot Chocolate

2 c. unsweetened almond milk
2 t. dutched cocoa, unsweetened
3 packets Truvia
Fat Free Whipped Cream, in a can

Whisk milk, cocoa, and Truvia in a pan until combined.

Heat until hot and bubbly. (I like mine bubbly.)

Locate appropriate vessel.

This is my favorite cup! My nephew painted this for me, which makes everything taste more delicious.

Pour in hot chocolate.

Go crazy with the whipped cream! It’s 5 calories per serving!

Offer up your delicious creation to the wintery bitter cold.

Drink.

FYI: A bonus of using almond milk versus any other milk, other than the low calories, is that you get a built in subtle almond flavor that is just. fabulous. with hot chocolate.

Did I mention the Fat Free Whipped Cream is only 5 calories per serving? Five. Like, you could watch TV and burn off those five calories, five.

{source}

If this is a Monday, you wouldn’t know it by the events!

First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughts and prayers for Ryan. He had an interview this morning and the guy hired him on the spot! He starts tomorrow morning, but may have a job this afternoon that he can help out with! This past week has been really stressful, and I’m really glad it’s over, but I feel like I learned a lesson, too. I chose to be positive and remember the good things, and even though I was living with negativity, I didn’t use it as an excuse to succumb and be miserable, too. Misery loves company, but it’s no longer my companion. THAT is a momentous step for me, and it feels fantastic!

Second, I’m starting to follow along with Amy of At The Pink of Perfection (who has some seriously cute fashion ideas…) and Vicki from My Vickilicious Life and their new series called Bloggers’ Biggest Loser! Basically, every other Monday you post a link, recipe, workout, tips, updates, etc. regarding your weight loss and link up! The next link up will be next Monday, January 16th, so if you’re on your own weight loss journey and you want some accountability partners, you have plenty of time to join in!

I always used to weigh myself on Tuesdays because Mondays were historically “bad” days, and Tuesdays have always been the best days for me.  Then I started (over) thinking about it, and realized, duh, Miss Attitude, maybe if you weighed in on Mondays you’d have something good to look forward to. And so it is.

Today I weighed in and I have lost 6 pounds since last Monday!

Chair dance!

Something that really helps me stay on track is planning out my meals. I don’t do food journaling because I never stick to it and I get annoyed writing the same thing every single day. It’s great for some, but it’s just not a tool that helps me. So, I plan meals, buy the food to prepare them, and that’s that. As you know, I’ve been following along on the 17 Day Diet, which I love because it’s so easy to follow. There are 4 Cycles. Right now I’m on Cycle 1, which is the beginner’s cycle, basically. The newbies’ guide to eating healthy, is what it feels like. This makes meal planning pretty simple:

My breakfast is the same every day (2 scrambled eggs with onion and half of a grapefruit with 1 T. agave), and so is my snack (Smoothie: 1 c. Kefir, 1 c. frozen mixed berries, 1 T. Fiber Life or Ground Flax Seed, 1 packet Truvia). My lunch and dinners vary, so those are the meals I focus on.

Lunch is either a giant salad with chicken or a broth based chicken soup or leftovers with a salad.

Dinners for this week are:

Turkey Burgers** (They have these pre-made at the store, so I buy these, sprinkle with seasoned salt, and grill or cook them in a pan. I saute onions and mushrooms for the topping and eat the burgers with a salad and balsamic vinaigrette. The balsamic leaks into the burgers and they’re SO delicious. Who needs ketchup?)

Chicken Chili** ( I use Carol Shelby’s White Chicken Chili Mix, 3 c. chicken stock, and add onions and carrots.)

Teriyaki Chicken (tossed with peppers, onions, and steamed broccoli)

Taco Salad (using ground turkey, taco seasoning, a large salad with tomatoes, onions, and peppers, topped with salsa and Fage yogurt (it tastes JUST like sour cream!))

Broiled Fish with Steamed Vegetables (I buy whatever fish is freshest, either salmon or tilapia, add either my teriyaki sauce or salt, pepper, and lemon juice, and broil for 15 minutes. Then steam a bunch of broccoli and cauliflower.)

**Go Fetch (Leftovers Nights)  

Click on the link for my very own teriyaki sauce recipe!

What are you eating this week?

I loved today’s topic for #SOCSunday, because it’s just so fitting right now. Distractions.  

What are my distractions?

Ryan being home for the past week has been a distraction. It’s really hard to get anything done, and if you’re a stay at home mom, you know what I mean. Having your husband home during the day is fine on the weekends. During the week when you have a schedule and a to do list? Not as fine. In fact, I feel like every time I turn around there’s something else to do. I straighten the pillows on the couch, fold the blankets, and go to make the bed, only to come back into the living with my husband sprawled out on the floor with the pillows and the girls playing peek-a-boo with the blankets. Cute, but irritating. I do the dishes in the kitchen in the morning, get everything clean, and then he gets hungry. I pick up clothes, start laundry, make the bed, and straighten our room. And then he gets dressed. I could go on, but you get the point. I love my husband, but oh. my. God. We’re stepping all over each other, and I really miss my peace and quiet during nap times. Trying to write a coherent thought is hard when all I hear in the background is a crowd cheering, a news lady yammering on, or a convict yelling at a guard. Thank God he has some interviews and leads coming up. Paychecks are great, especially when they come with SILENCE!

I get distracted with the girls a lot, too. We’ll be trying to play games or read books, and one is off trying to climb something or the phone rings, or they’re cranky and don’t want to play my stupid games. This age is frustrating because it’s like trying to focus on two ants in a colony. They’re never going the same way, they always have a different task, and they’re both excelling in different areas. I’m one person with two hungry to learn toddlers who have no interest in anything I have to offer. It feels terrible. I’ve heard from other moms that this age really is the hardest. You can’t discipline, you can’t communicate freely, and their attention span is really more of a blip than a span of any amount of time. They want to learn so badly, but they can’t communicate, walk, or do anything, really, the way they want to. They’re frustrated. Mom’s frustrated. And everyone is distracted.

I miss my schedule, I’m looking forward to being able to communicate with my girls, and I really can’t wait for the quiet to return. Until then, just call me distracted.

~*~*~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

{source: weheartit}

One of the goals on my 101 list was to answer the 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. Well,  here we go!

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Well, this is a toss up. In some ways, I can be a twelve year old boy, because I’ll laugh at anything perverted or even remotely heading that way. I’m a big fan of the “That’s What She Said”s. I’m also infamous in my circle of friends for saying things that are a little off color. I can’t help it. My inner child is a hilarious, potty-mouthed, little sicko.

Then there’s my little old lady. She’s the one who makes me have a real crystal candy dish (in my kitchen), a penchant for knitting (though I have yet to finish my afghan), and wear ugly sweaters with zippers (from Banana Republic. And it’s warm, so hush.) She’s approximately 83, I’d say. She’s the sage of the group, always armed with a wise word or a poignant thought. She keeps me sane and mostly mature.

My middle aged divorcee is the one who holds the chip on my shoulder. She’s very negative. Always the cynic and the critic. She’s the one who points out the wrinkle under my right eye, the one who laughs at my stretch marks, and tells me I’ll never amount to anything. She’s a peach, that one.

And then there’s my favorite… my 21 year old optimist. She’s the one who keeps me going. The one who makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. The world is my oyster, according to her. She helps me keep up with the girls, allows me to listen to new trendy music, and makes me eat salad, lots of salad. She keeps me young!

So what’s my real age? I’m about 43. According to mathematical averages.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

The “right” answer here is never trying, because you’ll never get anywhere if you don’t try. In sales, they tell a lot of stories about turtles and bees, how if the turtle wants to go anywhere, he has to stick his neck out, and how the bee is not supposed to be able to fly what with that large body and those tiny wings, but it flies anyway. They’re inspiring the first time, but when you act like the turtle and stick your neck out, sometimes angry people try to rip your head off. When you act like a bee and fly, sometimes it rains and your flight is cut short. And you know? That failing? It really hurts. It’s scary. And it just plain sucks. Depending on the strength of your character, often times you fail enough that you don’t want to try again. Luckily, for us turtles, there’s the hare, that bastard little bunny that’s always there to try and one up us, to keep us motivated, to keep us trying, and eventually, says the fable, we’ll win the race. So what’s worse? Failing! Because trying eventually pays off.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

I think the answer to this is pretty simple. We think we’re invincible. We believe in “someday”, which according to the infamous quote, is not, in fact, a day of the week. The truth is, there’s a time limit; each of us with our own. How sad that we wait until we’re dying to try and squeeze in all of the things we want to do. It’s become cliche to “embrace each day”, but really, it’s just good solid advice. Then there’s that responsibility nonsense; stuff we have to do in order to survive, like work and pay bills. In culinary school, there was this couple in their 60s who decided that they were going to go back to school and open a restaurant. They were looking to fulfill a lifelong dream. What I love about this couple isn’t the fact that they were older and fearlessly pursuing life, which was remarkable, but more that they represented possibility, defined it. I’ve heard 30 year old persons say that they are too old to go back to school to pursue a new career. Too old!? At thirty?? If we place limitations on ourselves because of our age, forty year old women would never have decided to have children, sixty year olds would never be able to open a restaurant, and eighty year olds would never run marathons. Why don’t we do things we like to do? We’re scared. We place limits on ourselves. We worry what others will think. We makes excuses. And we continue to believe in Someday.

What’s holding you back? Do you feel older than you are? What are some things that you want to do, but haven’t?

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

{4 – 8}
{9 – 15}

* Whatever happened to coffee m&ms? I wasn’t a fan of the weird grainy inner texture or the soft outer coating, but why haven’t they fixed it and brought them back?

* I recently started using Silk Soy Creamer since I’m back on track with my 17 Day Diet and I can’t have milk. (I can have cheese, yogurt, and special cultured milk.)  The only problem I’m having is the soy creamer has sugar in it (which I’m also not supposed to have) and didn’t realize until I got it home. (Read those labels!) So I found this:

Mimic Cream -  An almond and cashew cream substitute!

I found out that they sell it on Amazon and I have almost $15 in Amazon gift cards that I think I want to cash in to try it. I love using almond milk for hot chocolate, so I thought this would be a better replacement than soy, plus they have a sugar free option.

*You know how they always tell you not to choose a food reward when you’re losing weight? (Well, they do.) I’m trying to find something that I really want and need that will go along with my goal. Luckily for me, it’s pretty fitting. No pun intended. I need a new wardrobe. Badly. I have some clothes from my 20s that will transition nicely into my 30s, but then I have obnoxiously short skirts, low cut boob tops, and ridiculously high shoes I would never feel comfortable wearing again, especially lugging around two twenty pound babes. I’m reclaiming my health, here, not my youth. So, thanks to my blog friends (especially Krysten, who is the best at finding cute clothing), Pinterest and Polyvore, I’ve found some fantastic classic pieces and some affordable accessories. I have no earthly idea where to start when building a wardrobe to last through the ages, but I figure a cute pair of jeans and a great fitting every day dress are somewhere in the mix. One of these days (after my pantry is complete) I want to take an inventory of my clothing. I found this list on Pinterest that should be helpful:

Source: seed-factory.com

MissMe Jeans aka Goal Weight Jeans:

Stitched Fleur Boot Cut

I'm loving these!

eShakti aka Goal Weight Dresses:

Pleat Waist Cotton Dress in Black

The birds who gossip dress in black

* It’s been a pretty stressful week here, with Ryan losing his job because of the accident. If you could send us those happy thoughts, positive prayers, and cross your fingers for us, that would be much appreciated!

3.  If I had an entire day completely to myself I would either take the train to Chicago, eat breakfast at Julius Meinl and cafe hop the rest of the day; or I would sleep in until 8 a.m., get dressed in something cute, eat breakfast at Joe’s Cafe (Eggs Benedict!) and write my blog post, head downtown to make some cute jewelry at the bead shop, eat lunch at the Pump House Grille,  go to my thinking spot, read, and watch the lake roil, and then cash in my massage certificate for an hour long massage. I’d grab pizza from Roma’s and a sappy romantic comedy on the way home and enjoy my dinner while watching my movie in jammies without interruption. If I wasn’t sleeping by then, I’d grab some tea, and watch more movies, but probably one of the documentaries I have saved in my Netflix queue. I love a good day dream.

Totes, for example. I’m 29, not 14. I just can’t do it. I’m not hip enough for this trend, that’s clear.

Source: middleclasshandbook.co.uk

2. Google+

What happened here? At first use, I really liked Google+, but I wasn’t really learning anything new that I wasn’t learning on Facebook, not to mention 75% of my friends never made the switch. Smart friends. I haven’t logged into my Google+ account in ages. Stick with what you know, Google.

Source: google.com

3. “Skinny” everything. 

Jeans, “inspiring photos” with bones sticking out all over the place, guys in skinny 80′s jeans, and yes, I want a cookie/bacon/pasta/piece of bread/pizza/vegetable more than I want to be unhealthy and skinny, which, while we’re on the subject, doesn’t actually have a taste. So stop telling me it tastes better than everything. Moderation. It’s my favorite word.

Source: styleite.com

Source: weheartit.com

Huh??? This doesn't even make sense!

Source: tacticalpants.com

Source: neonico.tumblr.com

4. The inside of an ER and/or cardiologist’s office.

You know you went to the ER too many times in one year when you’ve lost count at 5, and my cardiologist is kind of a dick, love his PA though. Anyone who sits down and listens is okay in my book.

(I’ll spare you the pictures of my IV. They’re not pretty.)

5. Stop it. Your ass is showing. 

Tights/leggings/spandex are not acceptable leg wear, period. Let’s wear pants! Pants are fun!

You think you look like this!

Source: truereligionbrandjeans.com

But really...

Source: peopleofwalmart.com

6. Animals all over my baby stuff. 

Owls, Monkeys, and now Foxes? Just stop it! I like Monkeys, Owls are a little creepy with their giant eyes and twirly heads but I like them okay, and Foxes are just gorgeous, but stop it, PLEASE! Equality for animals! I’d love to see more lambs, cats, and dogs on clothing, but I’d also really like to see LESS animals and more letters, numbers, words, and patterns, just keep it off the butt. I’m not raising Victoria’s Secret models/poor men’s porn stars. I hate to be *that* mom, but seriously, it’s a baby, do we have to target them with trends, too? Plus, *everybody* has owl stuff now. It’s like that song that’s overplayed on the radio. Give me originality!

Source: iOffer.com

7. Nancy Grace

Honestly. The yelling, the drama, the nicknames (i.e. Tot Mom), the dancing, the scary eyebrows, the wannabes (Jane Velez-Mitchell, I’m looking at you, honey. You too, Vinnie Politan. Fan boy.), the over the top reporting of opinion rather than fact, dot dot dot. Before I slam my face into my keyboard, will someone calm her down? These people need Xanax!

Source: cbsnews.com via @NancyGraceHLN on Twitter

8. Starbucks

It’s not good coffee, people. I’m really sorry about that $5 you just spent on purposefully burned beans and all, but you have to know, it’s fast food coffee. I know, they have an app to pay, they have fancy drive through service, they have a cute mermaid, they have pretty interiors, but haven’t we learned what they’re really about yet? (Increasing coffee prices to make more money, when they open an average of two stores per day? Why not just focus on the stores they already have? Why make up stories about coffee extinction when you waste millions of pounds of beans a year? Why monopolize and send small businesses packing? “Creating jobs”? Really??? They’ll help “fund” your small business, but it had better not be a cafe! Give me a break.) Ugh. Ridiculous.

Source: hartsbeat.com (A reformed Starbucks addict, apparently.)

9. “I’m giving up my Facebook/Pinterest/Blogging/Email/Chocolate/iPhone for a week.”

Why? *shrug*

Source: sodahead.com

10. Vlogging

I don’t get it. I thought the whole idea was to write, but hey, it’s your web log. Log as you wish. I won’t say I’ll never do it, but for now I’ll use my written words.

Source: fearnet.com

Please understand, this is all in good fun to give you a giggle, except that whole Starbucks thing. I’m serious about that. Oh, and the ER, I don’t want to go back there, either. This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Come, join in the fun! Ban some stuff for 2012! Why not?

P.S. I’m crazy excited because Grey’s Anatomy *AND* Private Practice are NEW tonight! We *finally* get to find out if all those people all over the road are dead or not. Well played, Grey’s. 

A 5 tier metal shelving unit, 4 large storage bins, 4 small storage bins, America: The Story of Us, Vietnam Battles, 50 Ornaments, 3 metal tins, a set of pink Valentine’s Day dishtowels, 3 large space bags, and a shampoo rinser for the girls! It’s flexible and forms to their forehead! How genius is that!? I’m all for kids learning to swim and hold their breath, but it’s pink. I had to.

So I started on this today:

I’m about 75% done, and it’s still not doing what I want it to. *sigh*

And now I just need a good hearty laugh. Care to join me?

Source: teenagerposts.tumblr.com

Source: some ecards

Source: tumblr.com

Source: troll.me

Source: Stacey Shelton on Pinterest

Source: cafepress.com

There. Now don’t we all feel better? Thank you, Pinterest!

Filed under: Everything In Its Place, Home - the disasters, Home and Decorating, How Pinteresting, iPPP Tagged: i just needed to laugh, Let's just call it what it is... it's a train wreck, my pantry hates me and i think it may have gotten smaller?, The Funny ]]> http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/01/04/sometimes-you-just-need-to-laugh/feed/ 7 kallaydoscope 2012-01-04_13-14-53_203 2012-01-04_13-22-55_593 nerds ass bitch farts tv then pee gerbil beerbie brat http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/01/03/food-fodder-my-favorite-stuffed-peppers-meal-plan-mondayish/ http://kallaydoscope.com/2012/01/03/food-fodder-my-favorite-stuffed-peppers-meal-plan-mondayish/#comments Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:19:49 +0000 Kallay Carr-Beers http://kallaydoscope.com/?p=1823 ]]>

Okay, so it’s Tuesday, and not actually Monday. More importantly, it’s a new week! Time to figure out the age old question; what’s for dinner? I wonder, did ancient Egyptians wander around their wives and servants begging the question? Did cavewomen have to endure the constant nagging from their children? “But we don’t waaant squirrel! We want twigs and berrriiiiies!” Just a thought. Moving on…

Here’s what’s going on in my kitchen this week:

Sunday: Pork and Sauerkraut (Happy New Year!)
Monday: Baked Chicken w/ Broccoli (I know… snore.)
Tuesday: Stuffed Peppers (see recipe below!)
Wednesday: Mexican Chicken Salad
Thursday: Chili
Friday: Teriyaki Chicken Stirfry
Saturday: Leftovers

Brooke used to do a bunch of these, it was a ton of fun! (And sometimes, I could steal some of her ideas!)

What are you cooking this week? 

I never liked stuffed peppers growing up, but now I realize how much I was missing out on. I am in love with this meal. Like, “let’s hold hands and stay up all night talking and still have energy to somehow make it through the next day” love. It’s perfect for us because it allows us to have some leftovers for days when I’m fresh out of ideas/energy to cook. It’s also great for parties because it can serve at least 8 people. Stuffed peppers are a fabulously filling, healthy, comforting winter meal. You can even make this dish low carb by omitting the rice or turning it into a soup! Delish! We grew peppers in our garden this past summer and had a truck load of banana peppers left, so I froze them straight from the bush. I thawed them this past week and they were still pretty firm! Next time the store has a sale on peppers, I know what I’m doing!

(Also, please pardon my crappy pictures!)

My Favorite Stuffed Peppers

Ingredients:

15 large sweet banana peppers (you can use whatever variety you like though. Mine are from the garden so they were free.)
2 lb. Hot Italian Turkey Sausage (you can use a mixture of mild and hot, but the brand I use isn’t very spicy)
1 onion, chopped
1 t. garlic, chopped (I use the jarred chopped garlic from the store. SO much easier.)
1 T. dried basil (you can use fresh also, mine is from the garden so it acts like fresh.)
2 t. dried oregano
salt and pepper, to taste
1 jar of your favorite marinara sauce (I make my own, which I’ll share the recipe for next time I make it.)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Take off the tops of each pepper and rinse out as many seeds as you can.

In a large bowl, mix together sausage, onion, garlic, and herbs.  Season with salt and pepper.

Stuff each pepper with sausage mixture. Roll any additional sausage into balls. Place all into a dutch oven or other large oven safe vessel.

Pour marinara sauce over peppers and meatballs.

Cover pot and bake for 60 minutes until sausage is cooked through.

Serve over rice with a little Parmesan or mozzarella cheese. (Or in my hubby’s case, a LOT of cheese.)

OR: Low carb!

Chop two of the cooked peppers into a bowl with one of the meatballs. Add in sauce with a little hot chicken broth to your preferred consistency. Top with a little parmesan cheese and you have the perfect low carb stuffed pepper soup!

BONUS!

Rice is one of the easiest things to make, but I think some people get caught up with the measuring and are turned off. All you have to remember is 2 to 1. You want twice as much liquid as rice, and once you get it simmering, do NOT stir it. It’s not risotto, just leave it alone.

How to make perfect rice every time!

Pour in 2 c. liquid. (Water, broth, stock, or bouillon cubes and water, coconut milk, let your imagination go wild.)

Bring the liquid to a boil.

Stir in 1/2 t. salt and 1 c. rice.

Cover and reduce heat to a low simmer.

Simmer for 15-20 minutes until holes appear in the rice and no liquid is left at the bottom.

Fluff rice.

Cover and let sit for 5 minutes.

Perfect Rice. Every single time.

Happy Tuesday, all!

{via}

I wanted to change my life without changing my life, by finding more happiness in my own kitchen.

-Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Happy Birthday, 2012! 

I couldn’t be more excited about this year! I have so many things to look forward to, and I’m being propelled forward by my 101 in 1001 list. If you haven’t made one yet and you’re looking for some purpose in your life, DO IT! I’ve never felt more excited about a new year than I am right now. I’m starting a new monthly feature on the blog simply called Project 101, inspired by “The Happiness Project”, a book written by Gretchen Rubin. Simply put, this book has changed my life. It changed how I think about happiness, it changed how I emotionally react to conflict, and it has made me a 100% more positive thinker. I highly recommend this book, even if you think you’re happy enough, this book will help you achieve a level of happiness above and beyond what you thought possible. Gretchen explains in the book that your life circumstances only affect about 10-20% of your level of happiness, genetics account for about 50%, and the rest is UP TO YOU! What this means to me is  even if you’re broke, unemployed, suffering a loss, and starving, you can still be HAPPY, but you have to change your thinking, because 30-40% of what affects your happiness is YOUR MIND. God, I love that! I have plenty to be unhappy about, so much to be down and out over, but I choose happiness, which is not always easy. I wouldn’t say I’m bubbly and jovial every single day, but deep down, I’m still happy.  

Dane Cook once did a hilarious bit about how when you have a good cry you start thinking about all of the horrible and sad things that have happened to you in your life to cry harder and get it all out. You look in the mirror and your nose is all gooey and runny and your face looks like a giant pink cotton ball, but the second someone knocks on the door or calls you on the phone, you instantly change your mood and answer as if nothing is the matter at all. The skit is hysterical, but the underlying message is powerful, if you over think everything, like I do.

You can, in an instant, change your attitude, your mood, your emotions, and your thinking. All you have to do is want to. That’s it. It’s simple, not easy. There will be some things you’re going to need to figure out on your own. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself, too. Am I really angry? Or am I just acting angry? Am I really sad? Or do I just want attention? Am I bored? Or am I just lazy? What are the things I can do to make myself happier? (Goals) What are my weaknesses and how can I change them? (Challenges) What do I enjoy doing? (Hobbies) When I made my 101 list, I had all of this in mind.

Gretchen also talks about dividing and conquering. Basically, what do want to focus on? Each month she focused on one specific subject. Things like Friendship, Marriage, Play, Vitality, and Mindfulness. She gave herself a year, so twelve subjects, with December being the month that she would incorporate everything she learned throughout the year. My goal is different. I’m using my 101 time limit which is a little under three years from now to accomplish the goals on my list, but I love the idea of focusing on one thing each month. January is my jumping off month. February will be probably be Relationships, focusing on friendships, marriage, family, etc. March will be BIRTHDAY, focusing on new habits for ME and starting my new decade off right! Yay, 30! And so on…

There are some tasks on my list that I wanted to accomplish each month, like having tea with my grandmother. I’ve spent other time with her the past few months, but now that the holidays are drawing to a close, I want to keep that connection. I also want to vote in every election for one year, and how lucky that I can achieve this goal during an actual election year! Seems awfully fitting! I know now that in order to achieve goals, they need to be in my face every day. I am scatter brained like no one I’ve ever met, which is why I have lists for my lists and write everything down. While the eventual due date for this list isn’t until late summer 2014, I am privy to the fact that time doesn’t slow down just because I have things to do. I have to be more proactive than to think  ”Oh, I have until 2014!” especially when I’ve given myself things to do each and every month. So, I’ve broken down my list for January into three categories:  In Progress, Monthly, and  Jump In. (Sometimes lighting a fire under my own ass is just what the doctor ordered.) I’ve listed links and ideas, too, to set myself up for the month; for me it’s sort of like making a meal plan for the week when I’m eating healthy. It’s so much easier to stick to something when I have a set plan. Spontaneity is fine… in small doses.

49 Days in, and counting…

In Progress:

3. Pay off medical debt.

Thanks to my handy dandy DIMY Planner, I have my budget built right in! (Still taking orders if you want one!)

5. Read 10 Classics. (started Wuthering Heights 12/2011)

13. Finish my beautiful afghan.

15. Create enough recipes to write a cookbook. (See FoodFodder in the menu!)

18. Write an article and submit it to a National Newspaper. (I’m going to submit “I Believe…” next year to every National Newspaper.)

19. Achieve goal weight of 145 lbs. (The 17 Day Diet is working for me!)

29. Learn and teach the girls sign language. (We’ve learned Hello and All Done! We’re working on Bye Bye, More, Please, I Love You, Drink, Eat, and Thank You.)

42. Purchase renter’s insurance with flood protection, since we live by a river that almost flooded last year. (We’re researching prices and combining our car insurance with it. Ryan needs his Michigan license first though.)

89. Donate to 5 worthy causes. (Women’s Shelter – clothes, Library – books, Habitat for Humanity – TVs)

98. Write 10 poems. (1 down 9 to go!)

Monthly: 

17. Write 25 more articles for Examiner.com

I discovered if I write one article per month, I will more than exceed my goal of 25. Ryan and I are planning a trip to Chicago in March, so I’m hoping to visit a couple of cafes while we’re there for some cafe reviews.

50. Vote in every election for one year. (local included)

General Voting Information – vote411.org

59. Use my Pay It Forward certificates.

Pay It Forward Ideas

67. Have tea with my grandmother once per month.

95. Answer the “50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind”.

(I smell a blog post!)

Looks like it’s time to dust off the library card!

I’m making an effort to read more this year. Especially during our month of no TV. (Which will probably happen around July while it’s warm and when we should be outside.)

4. Read War and Peace.

5. Read 10 Classics.

1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die (supposedly)

Four that I really want to include are:

Saturday – Ian McEwan

Wuthering Heights  - Emily Bronte (In Progress)

On Beauty – Zadie Smith

White Teeth – Zadie Smith

6. Read 4 Biographies.

Steve Jobs
Mindy Kaling (Thank you, Shana!)
Katharine Hepburn
Albert Einstein – I haven’t chosen which one yet, although Walter Isaacson (of Steve Jobs’ Biography) wrote a couple that look interesting.

7. Read 25 books in a year.**

Thanks to Pinterest and my ever growing Book Pile, I have more than enough ideas.

Jump In:

**Planned Books for January:

*Wuthering Heights – I’m currently meandering through this with a dictionary and reading it out loud at times. When she starts writing like an Irishman, I’m flabbergasted and confused. Nothing like a classic to make me feel like a simpleton, but, we press on.

*The Happiness Project (again!)

34. Reorganize the pantry.

36. Purge clothing that no longer fits. (If it’s too big, it’s gone. Maternity clothes are the exception, just in case.)

Start with Winter!
Donate it to a Women’s Shelter!

73. Make imprints of the girls’ hands and feet and decorate.

74. Find a church. (that’s not an hour away)

To try:

Blue Roof Church
Stevensville Church

What is your focus this month? This year?

Are you happy? Do you think you could be happier?

{via}

I’ve been following Fadra for a few months now, and have participated in #SOCSunday almost every Sunday since I began. She’s one of my Top 5 Bloggers of 2011., if I had a list, which surprisingly, I do not. This year she is doing things a little differently. #SOCSunday has always been a free for all, write at will sort of thing, and it still is, but now she’s offering a prompt which you may use, or not if you’ve already had something stewing on the brain. I’m really looking forward to this year and have a whole post ready for tomorrow launching a new monthly post, and I can’t wait, but it all focuses on what I’m going to do this year. Since I’m already focusing on that tomorrow, I thought I’d take Fadra up on her prompt and write about that.  Come join in! There are some seriously talented writers there, bloggers you might not otherwise find, and it’s a five minute Sunday post all for you to get what’s on your brain, off.

I think New Year’s Day is sort of like getting a new car. It’s exciting! It’s a thrill to get behind the wheel, put it in drive, and get to know your new toy. All the shiny new buttons, the new features, and of course the stereo that you just have to blast your favorite song from the minute you pull out of the lot. You promise to wash it and keep it looking nice, you vow to make every payment early, and you drive and park carefully avoiding accidents, dents, and scratches. Then life happens and you make your payment just in the nick of time, you fly into the grocery store parking lot to grab some milk, and get a ding on the door hurrying, and washing the car drops further and further down the to do list. It’s not that you don’t still have pride in the car or that you don’t want it to look nice or that you want to fall behind in payments, but stuff happens. The next month goes much smoother, you manage your time better so you’re not rushing around, you make time to wash and organize the car, and plan ahead for the payment. The ebb and flow of a new year is the same. You  set goals, you have set backs, and then you get back on track, but there’s just something about today… something about the first month and the first day of this brand spankin’ shiny new year that just gets our engines roaring. And isn’t it wonderful? The point of a goal is not perfection; it is progress, moving forward, and learning along the way. Remind me of this in February, will you?

As much as I am looking forward to this year, and all of the exciting changes I have planned, there are some things I started in 2011 that I will bring with me into this new year. Things I don’t want to change at all.

What I don’t want to change in 2012:

1. Hm… ???

2. I’ve been really good at budgeting this year, and I’d like to continue that. That is, if my hubby still has a job tomorrow in spite of the accident, and we still have money to manage.

3.  The past few months, I’ve been more consistently updating my blog, and I’m planning on continuing that.

4. I’ve learned a lot about child care, and children in general. I feel like I’m a good mom, and since it is my main role right now, I like that feeling. I’ll hold onto that in 2012 as well.

5. My time is up, but I feel like a 4 item list isn’t enough. I feel like I should have more things to bring with me for 2012. I suppose that could be another goal: To be able to write a 10 point list in 2013 itemizing all of the things I don’t want to change from 2012. That might be the best goal I’ve ever had.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

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With 2012 peeking around the corner, I thought it would be fun to take a look back on 2011. It’s been a busy, crazy, emotional year, and I am so excited for 2012, even if some people believe it will be our last. (Really? I’m not convinced.) I’m posting a few of my favorite posts from the past year, and some of yours, too, according to the page views and comments. I hope you’ll enjoy looking back as much as I did with a lot of laughter and a few tears. Without further ado…

My Favorite Posts of 2011

1. I Believe… (The post I will probably flesh out a little and submit to a National newspaper to fulfill one of my 101 tasks. It was on my heart to let my friends and family know that it’s okay with me if they celebrate other holidays, I will greet them and love them just the same, because I Believe… in the freedom of religion and that the holiday season is not the time for big government politics. It’s a time for happiness and reflection. It was also my passive aggressive way of saying get over it and stop being so rude. We don’t have to be offended by everything, do we?)

2. It’s a Girl! It’s Another Girl! (Part 1 of The Birth Story)

3. It’s Postpartum Cardiomyopathy (Part 2 of The Birth Story)

4. Did I hurt your feelings, Monday? (The funny one where our house fell apart and Peanut took a turn for the worst.)

5. Shame. (The open letter to my representatives bringing them to task on the ridiculous budget disagreements. I actually received a letter back, thanking me for my opinion, and assuring me that they had not voted to oust military members’ pay. Yay, Michigan.)

6. It’s Not Just The Bitter Coffee (I’ve been an opponent of Starbucks for a few years now. Here, I explain why.)

7. October 15: Remembering Baby C (A letter I wrote to my sweet Baby C who passed away after 10 weeks of gestation, due to partial miscarriage.)

8. On Fear, I Know The Feeling,  On Motherhood (My top three favorite #SOC Sunday posts, hosted by Fadra at all.things.fadra. I loved them because of the honesty I was brave enough to share regarding my fear and taking control of my own happiness, but especially breaking the beliefs on motherhood. Sometimes, when I say something out loud, it helps me to ingest it even more, and sometimes it helps someone else, too. Bonus! I grow tired of hearing how wonderful motherhood is all the time, because sometimes it’s exhausting and will drive a sane person absolutely bat shit bananas. We need to talk about it before it gets to the point of Postpartum Depression and hopelessness. We need to send the message that it’s okay to be cranky and tired, that you don’t have to look your best every day to care for a child, and that sometimes good mothers have to work to pay the bills. Motherhood is not a job, it’s a lifestyle, you can’t just check out at the end of the day, or really ever. I would love to see more mothers post honest posts like this, and stop sending the message that it’s all sunshine and Cheerios, because it’s not. I’m not saying we should go on forever about how horrible it is, because it’s not! It’s a blessing and it’s wonderful, but sometimes, you just want to scream. I think we are disillusioned by our own expectations and eventually, when reality settles in, it really takes a toll on our mental well being, and it would be great if new mothers knew this going in. Of course I love my children more than anything in this world, but teaching them to be kind, intelligent, and responsible human beings is not an easy or simple task. Sometimes there is no right answer, and no advice in the world makes sense, sometimes you have to go with your gut and hope it all works out. There is no Mother of the Year Award, but if there were, I’d give it to the honest moms who don’t sugar coat this huge responsibility. Moms like Jill of Scary Mommy and Amanda of It’s Blogworthy who keep it real, but also keep their children happy.)

9. 101: Things to be thankful for and Things to do in 1001 days. (I made a list of 101 goals I’d like to accomplish in the next couple of years and figured I could certainly find 101 things to be thankful for. I was right!)

10. Just Call Me Helen (The funny one about my ear surgery.)

11. Living With No Regrets (I felt like I needed to clarify for myself the difference between feeling guilty and having regrets. This is what came of all of that.)

12. How It Feels (To be thankful vs. grateful.)

13.  Birthday Week! Dear Lily, Dear Molly, Happy First Birthday Babies!  (Three letters to my kittens. Or babies, if you’re new here.)

14. Laughter! We sleep in a taco. * Random Musings

15. On Love (and how it’s a choice!)

I hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through 2011 with me!

Happy New Year’s Eve!

Please drink responsibly! 

* Remember when Taco Bell had black olives? Then, not long after they ousted my favorite nacho topping, they got rid of the green onions!? I was thinking about this yesterday when I was giving the girls some black olives for their lunch. They, apparently, love Mexican food, so they’ve been having some crock pot chicken taco meat, black olives, and carrots for lunch this week. I got the recipe from my friend, Steffie, who lost an incredible amount of weight, changed her life, and is now a kick ass Zumba instructor. It’s super simple:

Crockpot Chicken Tacos

2 lbs. chicken breast (you can even throw them in frozen!!)
1 packet taco seasoning
1 can of rotel tomatoes *or* 1 c. salsa

Throw all of this in the crockpot on high for 6 hours or low for 8 hours. Shred the chicken with forks and you have the perfect shredded chicken for enchiladas, tacos, healthy mexican chicken salad, etc.

Now that I’ve completely digressed… I really do love black olives. When I was little, I would eat nearly all of the black olives at our family parties. It became a family joke that we had to have a can for the party and a can for me. Things could have been worse… it could have been a plate of cookies for me, and a plate for everyone else. I have much more self control these days. I’m now able to share. That’s growth.

** I got a call yesterday that every wife whose husband is on the road all day fears… Ryan got into an accident. His initial call left me feeling uneasy.

“Babe, you need to come get me.”

“Why?”

“Because I was in an accident! The work truck is totaled!”

“What!? Are you okay?”

“Well, I’m bleeding but I’m alright. Hey, the volunteer fireman is here, I gotta go.”

*end call*

My husband the communicator. :-/

Through about fifteen calls on and off through the night, I found out that there was a Winter Weather Advisory in the area he was picking up some supplies from for his employer, who only has liability insurance, I may add. The roads were terrible, and he and a trucker were turning left at a light. The trucker was supposedly lost and slammed on his breaks looking for an address; Ryan had no choice but to hit him or the oncoming traffic, the other side was a giant ditch. He’s okay though. He had a tiny cut on his cheek that must have been deep. He was bleeding pretty bad for it being so teeny. The trucker, who spoke broken English, changed his story when the cops arrived, of course, but Ryan was still let off with a $20 ticket and a “Be Careful” from the officer. *sigh of relief*

He’s sore this morning, and will probably be sore for the next few days, but he’s fine, worried about his job, even though it was an accident, but fine.  The last thing we need right now is for him to be unemployed. Starting a New Year that way would be pretty devastating for us. Thank you for all of the prayers yesterday, I’m sure they helped! I’m so thankful that things didn’t go the other way. The truck looks horrible, and he’s so lucky that he walked away from it at all. We’re praying prayers of praise and gratitude this morning, for sure!

***  My week for Jury Duty is officially over. I couldn’t have gotten a better/worse week to have it. I forgot to call in last night due to all of the chaos from the accident. Thankfully, I wasn’t chosen to come in. This week is probably the least likely week to be chosen for duty though, honestly. What judge in their right mind is actually working this week? I’m going to go with zero judges. Thank God times two.

Here’s hoping for a shiny, sparkly, and Happy New Year! Speaking of…

My year… in Purple.

P is for persistence that got me through the year.

U is for you my loves, my friends, my dears. 

R is for reality that slapped me in the face.

P is for the positive; the pleasures and the peace.

L is for the life I’m so thankful to be living.

E is for everything that 2012 will bring. 

12 Words for 2011

January Scary

February Fruitful

March Frustrating

April Disappointing

May Relief

June Family

July Hope

August HOT

September Exciting

October Busy

November Grateful

December Generous

A year of firsts! 

First Bath

hated it!

First Manicure

First Photo Shoot

slept through it.

First Smiles

in the bath? who knew!?

First Easter

First Royal Wedding

her royal highnesses

First Foods

First Farmer’s Market

First Independence Day

First Petting Zoo

First Halloween

First Steps and Thanksgiving!

First Birthday and First Teeth

What a year it’s been!

{Linking up with Liz from a belle, a bean, & a chicago dog, KLZ from Taming Insanity, Michelle from The Vintage Apple, and Jamie from This Kind of Love. Go check out these creative, hilarious, and beautiful bloggers!}

Back in November, I decided that I wanted to try and do a mostly handmade Christmas, or at the very least, buy locally. I’d say the ratio ended up around 70/30. My hubby really needed socks and new pajama pants (which turned out to be too small. crap.), and an alarm clock. So I didn’t make anything for him but some delicious cookies, which he is still enjoying.

One of my gifts was supposed to be hand painted mugs, but I discovered that the pottery place in town had closed due to increased lease payments, and I had NO idea what to do. Enter Brooke‘s Facebook post and Pinterest, and my Christmas was back in full swing. Thank you, Brooke!! I *can* sew! Who knew?

{via}

(I actually loved it so much, I’m making one for me, too! One went to my bestie, Kerry, and the other is en route to… well, I can’t say. It’ll ruin the surprise.)

The girls’ birthday was  a great success thanks to some more brilliant ideas I found on Pinterest.

The Hot Chocolate Bar (I bought the bins and the silver buckets at the Target Dollar Spot.)

{via}

The Ornament Cupcakes (These were supposed to be a healthy cake, but I ran out of time, so we threw these together super fast. They came out great!)

Caramel Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

{via}

Smash cakes I dreamed up on my own.

Molly's Smash Cake

Lily's Smash Cake

I think they loved them!

The gorgeous table!

I’m telling you, Pinterest is my home girl this year. Without her, I’m not sure that I could have stuck to my homemade bonanza.

I also gifted three people with my new 2012 Planners! I made one for my sister, mom, and mother-in-law, and they were thrilled with them! And thank GOD! I was literally still running around Christmas Eve trying to get them bound and finished. Everything that could go wrong with them, did. The paper jammed, I printed an entire month incorrectly, I ran out of ink on Christmas Eve Eve with only December left to print… it was insanity. It was so satisfying to see the looks on their faces though, and worth every drop of sweat and worry. My friend, Ally of Daisy & Elm Jewelry and Rosaries also contributed some handmade clips that I just LOVE. They added an fantastic personal touch and made the whole gift come together. Each planner came with a color coordinating pen in their favorite color and their personalized clips.

Thank you, Ally!

For my out of town friends, I made a delicious white chocolate bark and chocolate dipped pretzels. One of my besties, Caroline, really wanted some peppermint pretzel rods that we used to sell at SBC (addiction on a stick). They turned out beautifully! But let me tell you, pistachios are a *bitch* to shell. I ended up using a garlic press to help me out. My thumb is still calloused. Moral of the story: Use the garlic press and/or buy shelled pistachios.

White Chocolate Bark (adapted from Ina Garten’s recipe)

• 1/2 cup whole shelled salted pistachios
• 16 ounces good white chocolate, finely chopped
• 1/4 cup dried cranberries and cherries

I also made these adorable wreaths for Christmas. This was one of my favorites as a kid and Ryan had never had them, so I had to make them this year. Most people use red hots, but I like M&Ms better. (It’s chocolate, how could I not?)

{recipe}

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays! Our Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the girls’ birthday have been the best I’ve had.

Merry Christmas! I can't wait until we can all look at that camera at the same time.

P.S. I updated my Food Fodder page so now all of the recipes are in one place! Go check it out and… Enjoy!

Love, Mom

Sitting down to write this morning, I feel a giant sigh of relief and calm. It’s finally snowing outside which gives me the perfect excuse to sit inside and cuddle up with my babies. Not that they’ll have anything to do with sitting still, but the thought is nice.

We had a wonderful two days of Christmas filled with family and food and generosity. Tomorrow I’ll share all of my handmade goodies for you, one of them I loved so much I decided to make one for myself, but today I wanted to show you what was gifted to us! We received some fab stuff! I got out of the shower this morning and after using this first gift, I had to shout my love of it from the rooftops, and since the deer behind our house could give a rip about my new body bar, I figured I’d be better off shouting from the blog tops.

If you’ve never heard of Lush Cosmetics, you’re missing out. I’m not a big fan of baths, but they have these bath bombs that make even me want to jump in the tub. All of their products are handmade and smell divine. It’s like a little slice of heaven among all of the harsh perfumes in the beauty section of Macy’s. I drag my mom and mother-in-law over to this place every time we go there. I just love it. My mother-in-law gave my mom and me each one of their Bath Bombs and one of their Massage Bars, which is what I used this morning in place of my regular moisturizer. Oh, be still my dry and flaking skin… I literally can’t stop touching myself. I’m so soft! And I smell delicious! They have a BOGO Free sale going on right now, I suggest you click quickly over to the site and start smelling like me.

This is my mom's. Mine is an adorable Pink Confetti bomb. {image from Lush}

Peace Massage Bar {image from Lush}

Ryan and I have been composting for almost a year now, and while I love the feeling of not throwing away food and putting it to good use in our gardens, storing the stuff is a royal pain because:

1. It smells like dead people.

2. It takes up a lot of space.

3. It smells like dead people.

So, I bought a giant thing of kitty litter a while back on sale and when I finished using it, we converted the giant bucket into a compost bin. It’s super handy because it has a lid to keep the dead people smell to itself, and it’s also large enough that I don’t have to trudge through the wet lawn every morning to go make friends with my compost pile. Win. Win. The problem is, when I’m cooking, I like to have a garbage can handy to throw away the trash, but the small compost bowl was great for the food scraps. Now that we have a large bin, I can’t just leave the thing open! My whole house will smell like a crime scene and no one will want to eat. Behold the new compost holder! It’s actually an ice bucket, but my mother-in-law thought it would be an awesome compost holder for when I’m cooking! Genius! And it matches my kitchen, so when we’re not using it, it’s not a giant eye sore. Love this!

Behold, the red bucket!

And what girl doesn’t love sparklies!? I’ve been dying for a pair of these:

Don't worry, they're not real, not that anyone can tell. <3

And my hubby obliged. And as predicted, I’m also going to be enjoying a wonderful one hour massage from my mom’s massage therapist. I can’t wait! Ryan received some great gifts too. Some much needed warm weather work gear, some fun kitchen stuff we can play with together, and then this hilarious shirt from my mom, which he took a picture of himself in with my phone. I found it this morning, and choked on my coffee. Here you go…

My Hot (AND NERDY) Husband

My mom bought me a winter coat, something I’ve needed since I moved back to Michigan, but never bothered with since I do have regular coats and rarely play in the snow. This year, we’re probably going to be spending more time outside, so I’m totally excited to finally have a down coat all to myself that actually fits. The girls were showered with clothes and toys, books and blocks, and so much love. It was a fantastic two days of Christmas. We had SO much food though, I think I’ve finally come back to Earth from my sugar high, but the sugar is probably the only way I actually finished the ELEVEN loads of laundry yesterday. Good grief. I also made a ton of lists for organizing and our thank you note lists. It feels good to start the new year fresh and with a plan. Thank God for my 101 list.

Here are some too cute not to share pictures of our Christmas morning. Happy Tuesday!

See? We don't need toys. We have wipes!

The girls tackling their first gift. (It was Mega Bloks!)

Lily, sitting pretty.

“Linking Up” with Shana!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

We’re wrapping up our last minute gifts, literally, and wolfing down cookies, because come Monday, we’re done with the holiday eating and back on the no to low sugar train. We’ve been eating generally healthy this week, but the cookies seem to be multiplying! Every time I think we’re out, I find MORE. Last night I found some in the fridge when I was hoping for leftovers. Cookies for dinner was appealing, but glazed salmon won. Santa would hang his head in shame, I hope this doesn’t make us candidates for the Naughty List. Thankfully I haven’t gained much this past month so it should be fairly easy to get back on track with the 17 Day Diet again. You know, after the two day sugar crash, complete with headaches and other un-pleasantries, it’s like rehab, but without the straight jackets and heavy nurses.

“It’s Blue”

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been sort of genius at guessing gifts, especially if I had asked for something specific. My mom always had to get creative when I was little and hide things in strange places (Like in the trunk of a car, where she had to take the keys and lock the car lest I figure it out and look in the trunk. And I did. And did. She forgot the keys one day.) or wrap the gifts in packaging that didn’t scream BARBIE DOLL or STACK OF CDs! Those were the good old days. If I couldn’t figure something out I’d ask, “Can I have a clue??” and the answer was always “It’s Blue!”, and that drove my 10 year old brain crazy. Years later, the answer is still “It’s Blue.”

The other day my mom slipped and told me that Ryan had asked her to pick up my gift. Of course, my inner child reared her ugly head and the rusty wheels began to turn, recounting where she’d said she’d been. After a few minutes of trying to solve the puzzle I asked dead panning-ly “I don’t suppose it’s blue, is it?” and she wittily replied “Well, as a matter of fact… it IS!”

I have since figured it out, I think. My husband doesn’t know the power of my mind reading. Or my ability to solve mysteries. Honestly, I should have been a detective. You’d think by now he would have figured this out, but alas. The other day we were in the car and he asked so slyly, “Wouldn’t it be great to have a nice long massage?” I mean… come. on. That’s too easy. (But yes, honey, it would be wonderful!)

The greatest gifts are unseen!

A couple of days ago I was running around my house panting, getting the girls together to go pick up Ryan from work. I don’t need Jillian anymore, this is my workout every morning and evening. Two-a-days… take that! Amid the chaos, my phone rings, and because I felt it possible to do everything one handed, I answered. It was my sister, and wouldn’t you know it, she gave me the best gift a sister could receive.

“Hey Kal, I just wanted to call and say something. I know we don’t always get along and I know we bump heads and have our differences, but I am so glad that we are the kind of people who don’t hold grudges and can get along. I know this will kind of catch you off guard and I don’t mean to be creepy, but I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate you for who you are. I really do, and I just wanted to tell you that. And I love you.”

I love you, too, big sister.

I hope you all have a Wonderful Weekend and a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Festive Yule, but most of all…. I hope you give more than you receive. You’ll find it’s the better gift.

{thanks!}

I Believe… in Jesus the Son, God the Father, and in Christ the Holy Spirit. God Bless!

I Believe… the reason for the Christmas season is to celebrate Christ’s birth. Merry Christmas!

I Believe… the reason for the Hanukkah season is to celebrate the Jewish people regaining control of Jerusalem and the rededication of the Temple. Happy Hanukkah!

I Believe… the reason for the Kwanzaa season is to celebrate the African American heritage and their culture. Happy Kwanzaa!

I Believe… the reason for the holiday season is to give love, hope, joy, peace, and if you are blessed with abundance, to give some of it away. Happy Holidays!

I Believe… the reason of the season is to celebrate not protest. Have a wonderful day!

I Believe… using my religion to degrade others would only degrade me.

I Believe… it is rude to ignore a greeting.

I Believe… my Christmas spirit does not rely upon whether or not I am able to give or receive a gift, even to/from my children.

I Believe… my Christmas spirit relies upon the happiness and joy that I create in my heart.

I Believe… happiness is a choice, not a condition.

I Believe… if you want to be sad, you’ll be sad; if you want to be angry, you’ll be angry; but if you want to be filled with joy, you will surely be joyous.

I Believe… if most people were positive thinkers, they would change the world.

I Believe… Saint Nicholas was a positive thinker who enjoyed giving to others and did so abundantly through his miracles and good deeds.

I Believe… the modern day Santa Claus is modeled after Saint Nicholas, but has been visually changed to suit our imaginations.

I Believe… imagination is a gift not to be wasted.

I Believe… the same of good cookies.

I Believe… there is no harm in letting a child believe in and model someone who does wonderful things for others.

I Believe… there is much harm in letting a child believe in and model someone who does wonderful things only for themselves.

I Believe… everyone has a reason to celebrate, even when they have much to mourn.

I Believe… in miracles.

I Believe… in angels.

I Believe… we have all experienced and received both.

And yes…

I Absolutely Believe… in Santa. In his goodness. In his jolliness. In his mission.

I Believe… the best things in life are not meant to be seen but simply believed.

Last Friday was our Christmas for Ryan’s side of the family, which was a blast. The girls made it all the way until 6:30 pm and were done. They didn’t even get to wear their Christmas dresses. I made my favorite Christmas cookies, wrapped up our ridiculous white elephant gifts, and piled everyone into the sled to make our way to grandma’s house. If I think about it, and I do, Peanut really is a glorified sled, but we took my mom’s car this time since she was joining us. I don’t have pictures of our White Elephant gifts, but I can tell you there were a lot of country snowmen ornaments involved, and one Waterford Crystal “Our First Christmas 2000″ ornament that went to the right people. I still don’t remember why I had that ornament, I think it was my high school sweetheart’s and mine. I wrapped it in saran wrap, then foil, then a grocery bag, and finally an old Christmas gift bag I had lying around. We were supposed to wrap everything in recycleable and/or reusable materials. Somehow I doubt that the saran wrap or foil will be used for anything other than trash bag filler.

We received an “A Christmas Story”-esque leg, adorned with a purple shiny shoe from someone’s prom circa 1984, a bunch of snowman trinkets that I will begrudgingly be dusting this year because they are in my kitchen holding down a shelf, and about seven pairs of slippers. Two pair fit me; some scary frog slippers and these:

Pink Bunny Slippers! *perfect* for me!

I think it’s safe to say that our Christmas haul was “A Christmas Story” themed. No gun though, which is such a shame. Ryan stored the leg in our closet and is hell bent on making a lamp out of the thing for next year’s White Elephant exchange. I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those gifts that keeps on giving. We did receive some cool stuff though, unexpectedly! I didn’t know there were *real* gifts being exchanged! My bathroom is now happily decorated for Christmas with snowflake towels and this hilarious snowman nightlight, and the girls have money to add to their savings!

I wish I had a picture of all of the food though. Ryan’s uncle made pizza from scratch, which was divine, and there were cookies all over the place. Here were my contributions:

Grandma's Shortbread (similar to pecan sandies)

Cream Wafers (my friend's grandmother's recipe... delicious!)

I went to Santa’s Workshop yesterday (aka the post office) and delivered the rest of my out of town packages. I want to show you SO badly what I made, but I can’t. Next week though! I’m making one for me, too. Today, I’m finishing up my last three gifts and will hopefully receive my Amazon order so I can finish wrapping. (Okay, stuffing gifts into bags and arranging tissue paper, whatever.) I also have to finish Christmas cards and order some more pictures of the girls for our technologically challenged older relatives. Christmas is taking over my To Do List and I love it!

Two unexciting things about Christmas:

1. No Snow, Dense Fog.

That is one ugly view without snow...

2. Not that any judges will actually be working but,

Seriously? The week after Christmas??

How are your holidays shaping up?

P.S. I didn’t win the bed nor make it into the finals. Now I have the sads.

Well, it’s Friday and I’m torn between thanking God and asking Him for help to get through this day. I’m linking up with Lauren and Shana today for some Random Fill in the Blank Musings.

I shouldn’t even be sitting down to write this. Really.

This weekend is one of our two or three Christmases, and while I’m totally excited, I have tons to get done. I’m finishing up cookies, wrapping our White Elephant gifts, and I still have to pack and clean. I should be doing all of that, not this.

In other news… apparently the sign for “All Done!” is no longer raising our arms high into the airspace above our head signalling that we are finished and would like to be removed from our eating apparatus.

No, the new sign is as follows:

1. Loud screech.
2. Arch back violently.
3. Flail arms wildly about.
4. Bang on high chair.
5. Fake crying sound.

Parents, please adjust accordingly.

Proper way to sign "All Done" (Illustrating 5. Fake crying sound.)

And... not. (Illustrating giggling and raising hands above head.)

Dude, seriously. Can we be two yet? This whole one year old thing is getting old, and it’s only been a week.

I discovered some handy new uses for the garlic press this week. I actually don’t use garlic presses, but my mom does, and we had some interesting tasks for Christmas baking that the garlic press gave us a hand with. Without further ado:

1. Pressing garlic. It is, after all, a garlic. press.
2. Crushing peppermint candy into perfectly crushed pieces for decorating cookies, pretzels, and other holiday treats.
3. Opening pistachio shells, which is rather hard on your thumbs and eventually causes an obnoxious callous if done by hand, but is super breezy with the garlic press turned nut cracker.

I was talking to my mom and mother-in-law this morning about cake and cookies and Christmas, and I stumbled upon this fact that it is really hard to give away cake at parties. No one ever takes the cake. You offer, they put up a hand, shake their heads violently and say “No. No. That’s alright. You keep it. We don’t need cake.” all sneaky, dodging having to peel frosting off the tops of their tupperware. But you know what people will take? Cookies. If given the proper vessel, people will take cookies off your hands faster than you can say Diabetes, but you have to say it like Wilford Brimley for Liberty Medical because that’s my new favorite way to say everything, and this is my mental picture, not yours, so go with it. FYI: Family Dollar, 30 cellophane bags, $1, readysetgo. Unless you want to keep your Diabeetus to yourself. Hoarder.

I read in the bathroom, like everyone else who has children, and my husband has one of those Absolutely Absorbing John the Bathroom reader things, or whatever, and this morning I was reading it and discovered that pedophilia was actually semi-invented if not at least encouraged by Parker Brothers who relied on the “kindness of strangers” with a toy called the Oobi. It was supposed to work like this:

1. Purchase Oobi.
2. Write a secret note and put it inside Oobi.
3. Write address on top of Oobi.
4. Leave Oobi in strange place.
5. Stranger hopefully finds Oobi.
6. Stranger delivers to the address on the Oobi.
7. Child opens door to stranger and gives long hugs for returning Oobi.

It was meant for children to send notes to each other and/or to see how long it would take to get back to them. It failed miserably. Golly, I can’t imagine why. It probably had nothing to do with the fact that you were asking strangers to come to your home and visit your children. No, the 70′s loved strangers. Peace, Love, Dove and Cocaine, and all that. So, it probably had more to do with the fact that people were just trying to send their mail for free. The post office didn’t care for that. Probably.

They even LOOK creepy.

That’s all the random I can bear today after that story.

1. My most favorite “little thing” is hot coffee. It’s rare anymore. I also enjoy having painted finger nails and toe nails in pretty colors. This week it’s “Berry Naughty” by Essie, because it just screams Christmas with the name and the gorgeous red color. I painted my big toes with Katy Perry’s pink glitter because it felt naughty, but also nice. I have Lady Like on my finger nails, also by Essie. It’s a gorgeous light mauve from their Fall Collection. I can’t get enough of it.

2. I’d give anything to have a White Christmas. Not really anything, but it would be nice to have at least a dusting of snow. It looks like Spring outside and feels like January. Something is awry.

3. I can’t believe that Parker Brothers thought that would be a good idea. I really can’t.

4. The one thing I’d like to achieve today is my To Do List. So I’m blogging. I make so much sense sometimes.

5. The last thing I want to do today is pay my car payment? Deal with cranky children? Eat moldy fruitcake? I don’t know. It’s a toss up.

6. If I were writing my own blank today, it would say: One of my favorite cooking tips is: spraying the measuring cup with cooking spray before adding honey, corn syrup, etc. It makes it ten times easier to get it into the recipe and out of the cup.

7. My favorite candle scent is A Day at the Spa by this local candle maker called Waxy Candle Co. It makes my whole house smell relaxing. I love it. I promote the shit out of these people. The owners are lovely, and I can’t get enough of their candles. Divine.

I’m a big fan of Christmas, always have been, always will be. Not the gifts as much as the fun decorations and the music I actually know the words to. This year though, I knew I had a challenge.

How was I going to put up my fun ornaments, enjoy the Christmas lights in the morning over coffee, AND keep my girls from certain death? Well…

Let’s put the tree outside! Of course! Genius! Throw some lights and a big red bow on that bad girl and voy-lay! Christmas!

The snow has melted now, but hopefully we'll get more soon. This was wonderful to wake up to.

But what about inside? *sad face*

I took one look at our living room window and I knew exactly what I would do.

The Good Witch, of course

All because two people fell in love and gave birth to twins all before their first anniversary! Awww....

It’s worked beautifully, and after this the Christmas cheer spread through out the house faster than Santa can shout his first “Ho!”. Enjoy my simple, toddler-friendly Christmas decor! Two Hoots for high places!

A blurry pic with the tree all lit up at night.

The top of the fridge is where I'd put *my* hat if I were him.

My bestie bought me this Rosemary Thyme wreath this year for Christmas. It smells FANTASTICO!

I tried to hint to hubs that we should be put love notes in the stocking. It's still empty. I guess I didn't hint hard enough?

Still waiting for someone to move in.

I really hate it when I take pictures and *then* realize my pictures are crooked. Apologies to all of my kindred OCD Type A spirits.

Linking up for some iPhone Photo Phun (aka brand shiny new Droid 2 photo phun) with Liz! Come join in!

Also, I am sharing my holiday home decor and cleaning tips for the chance to win prizes from The SITS Girls and Great Cleaners, because who doesn’t love free Christmas? I would love a new vacuum cleaner free of drywall dust and shards of broken glass. The Kindle Fire would be the cherry on top, a pat on the head for a job well done.

{thanks}

Does your husband snore, hit you in the face, and then wake up complaining that he “hardly got any sleep last night”?

Do you slam around on your side of the bed all night trying to find the special spot where nothing hurts and the cat still has room?

Speaking of cats, do you wake up with a cat on your face?

Well, mine does and I do, which is why we need a new bed.

We have a queen size bed that I bought when I lived in Knoxville for a steal. It was fine for just me and my pets when I was a single girl, but now that I have to share? It’s mostly hell. Like having to watch a sex scene in a movie with your mom hell. The mattress is a standard non-pillow top springy mess with a blue covering and a box spring. We bought those plastic supports that go under the wheels of your bed frame because a) I like to literally climb into bed and feel like a Princess and b) I needed to store our shoes under the bed and our bed frame was a half an inch too short for my storage bins. Figures.

I can tell you how many times the bed has fallen off of the supports, and all of the stories that go with them, but the lessons are mostly all the same:

1. Don’t sit on the edge of the bed without someone sitting on the other edge of the bed.

2. Don’t accidentally bump into the side of the bed while doing laundry.

3. Don’t jump into bed and/or ever, ever have sex in the bed.

4. When making the bed, don’t ram the sheet corners under the mattress if you’re in a hurry. Best to just leave them hanging.

5. Check under the bed for the cat prior to all of the above.

Beyond the fact that our lives are in near jeopardy each time we climb into bed for a nice long night of flipping and flopping around pretending to sleep, the bed has morphed into a taco.

You know… you get into bed, get all comfy cozy, and then suddenly everything and everyone in the bed has smashed into the middle and all you need is a bit of lettuce and sour cream.

It’s uncomfortable.

We wake up with our spines looking like wrung out dish towels; neck pain, lower back pain, knee pain, and golly are we pleasant! And also, a chiropractor’s wet dream.

Suffice it to say, we need a new bed. We need a vast tundra of memory foam firmness, a princess height bed for all of our storage needs without the chance of death and/or dismemberment, and if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, we need a one year old who sleeps soundly all through the night.

I can’t tell you how excited I was last night when I found out that we could actually win something of the sort, and so can you. If we win this bed, I’ll be jollier than a recipient of a WalMart layaway pay-off! Mark my words!

Happy Monday!

I can’t get my brain to shut up this morning. I wanted to write about something happy and Christmas-y today. I had a scary event last night that ended with me in an ambulance and a release form that wants me to follow up with my doctor. With no answers and no real reason for any of it to have occurred, I’m not going to tell you I’m not scared.

A week ago I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was low, and I was good to go! Yesterday, I started feeling the weird dizzy spells again, and I chalked it up to being tired since I had been up since 5:30 am. They kept getting worse though and when we finished eating dinner last night I thought, on a whim, I better check my blood pressure. It was 145/93, which for me is the limit before I’m supposed to call the doctor. Thinking it was probably because I had just eaten and I was tired, I laid down on my left side, like I’m supposed to and over the next hour it kept getting higher and higher and higher. We called the doctor, and after 10 minutes my lips and hands and feet had started to go numb and I was getting really tired like I wanted to sleep. My blood pressure was now 173/127 which is heading into the stroke range.

My mom called 911 and they took me away in the ambulance. They did blood tests, a head CT, and urine screening, and came up with nothing. The doctor said I might have been hyperventilating, but I wasn’t. I know the difference between a panic attack and high blood pressure. I was calm and breathing normally, I was never put on oxygen, and after two or three hours, my blood pressure went down to 105/70 again, all its own without medical intervention. My blood sugar was 94, so that’s normal-ish, but nothing to be concerned about. I just don’t get it. I have felt perfectly fine! I was tired yesterday from only getting about six hours of sleep, but other than that, I’ve been okay! I’m supposed to call my doctor Monday morning and my release papers said that my X-ray may have just been a preliminary. Why they needed to put that in there, I don’t know. You’d think if it was fine they could just leave that out rather than leaving someone (me) to wonder if the test showed something that they’re not allowed to share.

This is so frustrating. So, so frustrating. I haven’t been eating that well lately with the holidays, etc., but I don’t think I’m eating THAT badly!! I have had a couple of cookies in the afternoon, but not a whole tin or anything! I eat fruits and veggies everyday. I limit myself to one cup of coffee, I have a healthy breakfast and lunch, our dinners have been Turkey Chili, pasta with homemade sauce and turkey sausage, we had Chinese one night because Ryan got off of work late and we were both tired from the night before, and I only had one cupcake yesterday with a cup of hot chocolate for the girls’ birthday.

What the fuck, body!?

***

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

1. Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
2. Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
3. Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
4. Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
5. Link up your post at allthingsfadra.
6. Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

That’s right! I’m linking up with Shana today for some Random Musings (that is… if Shana would post a link up (hinthintnudgenudgewinkwink), and with Lauren to fill in the blanks.

Let’s be random, shall we?

I remember when the girls and I were in the hospital, everyone coming in would obsessively use hand sanitizer, but every single nurse that came into our closet space of a room, would move one of the girls under the biohazard box (which was filling up quickly thanks to all of my medical interventions with blood transfusions, etc.). The whole thing was just… bizarre. And ironic. And also, annoying.

You can learn a lot watching Christmas music on cable TV. Three things I learned about Christmas:
1. Candy canes were invented to keep the children’s choir quiet during ceremonies in the 1600s. I wonder how they got the treats away when they had to actually sing. I’m positive that was a cluster fuck.
2. Rudolph was invented by a copywriter to lure customers to Montgomery Ward in 1939. That killed my spirit a little, because I’m a big fan of Rudy. He was bullied, I was bullied, we relate to each other well. I liked his happy ending. Knowing that someone wrote the sad story just to make money makes me feel dirty for totally buying into it.
3. The Rockettes have 78 seconds to change outfits between sets. I can barely locate and wiggle on two socks in 78 seconds in broad day light. That’s impressive.

Santa, it seems, only visits our city on Thursdays from 4-6 pm. (And also, this Saturday: time to be announced.) Doesn’t Santa know that that’s like smack dab in the middle of the four to five o’clock fussies and then dinner time? Hello!? No wonder kids always look miserable in those pictures.

There was a lady in front of me checking out today in the Self Checkout Lane aka the “I’m faster than the regular checkers so I prefer to do it myself and I’m not standing in that long ass line” lane. She was in one of those motorized carts (serving the elderly, handicapped, and lazy since 2010!), and she was finished purchasing, but needed some help bagging. Being the nice girl that I am who adores the elderly, I offered to help! *insert big cheesy smile here* “Would you like some help with this?” I VERY courteously inquired. She looked me up and down in her little cart and replied with a rude ‘tude, “No, I’m fine right now.” and went back to bagging as slow as molasses in January. In my head I thought “Fine, you old fat ass, do it yourself then!” which wasn’t very nice, but neither was she! I replied out loud, “Okay, I just thought I’d offer!” and smiled cheerily. I walked back to my cart and played with Lily for FIVE minutes while the lady finished with her groceries. I would have changed lanes, but at this point, I was enjoying playing with Lily and also the fact that this lady probably had sweat running down her ass from nervousness. Jerk.

I bought some Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes today. Don’t tell my diet. Or my husband.

I need to get my hair redone terribly bad. My blonde is growing in and it looks gray, which is just.. terrific. Also, my bangs have grown out and are now just wannabe sexy layers rather than cute swoopy bangs. In addition, I also need to cut my talons and polish the things. I filed them two weeks ago with good intentions to polish them then, but… babies, diapers, bottles, laundry…. So now I have long nails. Again. That are still unpolished. Uncool.

I wasn’t going to make Christmas cookies this year mostly because of the whole diet thing but then Robyn made shortbread and my mouth started watering because I wanted my grandma’s shortbread and now I have all the stuff to make shortbread. So there went that.

The End… sort of.

1. Love is not the same thing as like. Sometimes, I can’t stand the air my husband breathes, but I love him to my core, that will never change. Love isn’t a feeling, not really. It’s a verb. It’s an action. It’s a choice. I choose to love my husband in spite of all of his faults, and he chooses to love me because I’m a rock star! And also in spite of my faults.

2. Being in love feels like tummy twirls and like the future is brighter than morning light. It feels safe and unquestioning. And then real love comes in and blows the whole thing out of the water.

3. My favorite quote about love is “The couple that plays together, stays together.” but I don’t know who said it first.

4. The most important thing(s) in a relationship is(are) communication and commitment. In order for anything to work, there has to be good communication; businesses, friendships, marriages, etc., but if you want it to last? There has to be rock solid commitment, because sometimes? You don’t have anything to say.

5. A “deal breaker” for me in a relationship is when the other person has checked out. If you’re not willing to try, then why should I put my energy into it? You can’t expect one person to row a canoe and believe it will go anywhere efficiently. Eventually that person will tire out and then you’ll just be floating. That’s no fun.

6. The way I show love in my relationship is affection. I love to cuddle, hug, kiss, hold hands, and uh.. stuff. I also like to make my honey his favorite dinner, leave love notes, and remember his favorite things. (It helps when I want to give him a gift.) I love surprising him, too.

7. I love my husband.

Just so you know!! The 2012 Planners are available for purchase. That’s exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. Let me know if you’d like information on them!

Happy Friday!

I can hardly believe that it’s here!

You’re one year old!

All of the first year milestones have come and gone, and I’m looking forward to seeing what other new tricks you can do!

This day holds so many memories for me, bitter and sweet. The weather is clear as a bell here today, not a snowflake to be seen. Last year, it was a Winter Wonderland. We literally drove through a blizzard to get to the hospital where we would stay for five days. I remember it like yesterday. I was so swollen and could barely walk, everything hurt. When they put the epidural in, it was relief like nothing I’d ever felt. I knew something was wrong when they pulled you out and I still couldn’t breathe, but all of that fear was overshadowed by your sweet cries and warm cheeks. I remember kissing you for the first time and thinking “They’re so warm!” I guess I was expecting your cheeks to be chilly like the air in the OR. Daddy brought you over and we took our first family picture.

Daddy was whisked away with Molly in his arms and Lily on her way for some breathing therapy, so anxious to get out and breathe, she breathed in fluid! Oops! He helped with baths, and then you all came to visit me. He was so proud to show you off.

The next few hours are kind of a blur. I remember the nurses checking me all the time to make sure I wasn’t bleeding out. I remember feeling so tired and so nauseated. I remember not being able to breathe. I remember wanting to feel normal and to be able to hold you.

I remember holding you for the first time, and for a little while, all of the fear melted away.

I started to not feel well and then you were being taken away, and I was in trouble. I felt faint, and I was in bed! It was so scary. All I wanted was to be a blissed out new mommy.

Everything happened so fast after that. I was so out of it. The doctor performed a painful procedure, one I will never in my life forget. I remember him talking about blood transfusions, iron pills, and medicine to help stop the bleeding. When I look back at the pictures, my face was so pale, my lips were white as a sheet, and I still looked so full of water. It seemed like forever before I saw you again.

My favorite picture of us together, and favorite memory is when it was just you and me, with no one else in the room, and we fell asleep skin to skin. I’m so glad someone caught this moment.

After a couple of days of tests and transfusions, my color was improving and I was able to eat. I had to keep my strength up to feed you, which was really all I was allowed to do. I couldn’t change you, because I couldn’t get out of bed. I could barely hold you for the first couple of days because I was so weak. Daddy was up for what seemed like three days straight caring for your every need, while I tried to get better. Someday you will realize how lucky you are to have a daddy like that.

He was finally able to get a little sleep with you on his chest, Molly. It’s probably one of his fondest memories of our time in the hospital.

We took another family picture together when I was feeling a little stronger. It’s amazing how different I look.

Going home was the scariest day of all. I still felt terrible, and I was worried how we were going to take care of you. You looked so tiny and innocent. (and so cute in your jammies!)

Days and weeks and months passed with more hospital visits, more doctor’s visits, and late night runs to the ER. It was such a scary time for me, one I hope you’ll never remember. If you remember anything at all, I hope you remember being swaddled, I hope you remember feeling safe and warm and well fed. I hope you remember feeling loved, because we’ve never loved anyone more in our lives.

And look at us now!

I’m off all of the medication, and getting healthier every month! You are growing like weeds and thriving! Crawling, walking, feeding yourselves, learning to talk in “sentences”. I can’t believe that those sleepy little beings one year ago are the same sweet babies we have now. I am in awe of you, with every step you take, and every new thing you learn, you amaze me.

My wish for you, this year, is simply that you continue to grow and blossom and thrive, and that I won’t have to miss a thing. The past year has been filled with so many things I wish I could forget, and I’m so looking forward to a year filled with joy and health and so much love, memories we will cherish.

Happy BIRTHDAY, Lillian!

Happy BIRTHDAY, Marilyn!

And Happy Anniversary to us! Our first year as a family! We made it!

Oh Serious One, Oh Belle of the Ball, My Molly May “Mizzle” (as Daddy likes to call you),

You sure know how to steal the show!

You are the Queen of firsts, my little Peanut. You let your sister come out first, and actually, I think you pushed her! But only so you could get to me first! And you did!

With all that moving around in there, I could have sworn I was going to birth a monkey! You are a wiggly little worm, always on the go. You rolled over first, mostly out of comfort while sleeping, which you have a knack for. You can sleep anywhere! Believe me, we appreciated it! You get an A+ for sleeping.

You crawled first, walked first, and while Lily said Mama first, you said Dada! Not that anyone’s surprised. You are Daddy’s girl. From day one you two have had a bond that is heartbreaking-ly beautiful. (and hysterical! Daddy can’t get enough of your hair!) It took us a while to get to know each other, but you and I have finally formed that unbreakable bond between mother and daughter. You are such a precious little girl.

Not one to crack a smile, when you were tiny, you had the funniest expressions! It was almost as if you were trying NOT to smile! We would crack up laughing when we took pictures of you, because you just held it all in. So serious. “Ol’ Sober Sides” as GG calls you.

Then one day, your little mouth opened up, and out came the sun! You beam when you smile. Your nose sometimes crinkles up, and your little teeth show through. I can’t get enough of it.

Now? We always know when you’re happy, we always know when you’re sad, we know when you’re angry, you are so very emotional! But my favorite emotion is when you laugh. The sweetest giggle heard ’round the world!! So high pitched and tiny, it makes my insides light up.

You definitely run this ship. You decide when it’s time to eat, when it’s time to nap, and when it’s time to play. You love to steal sissy’s toys, sippy cup, attention… always the one in control. The Leader. I see you as a very successful woman one day. A studious young lady! You love to learn, exploring your world from every angle. We can’t keep you out of anything! Fearless! You’ll climb over, under, or go around anything to get what you want. A quality I hope you’ll keep with you! You love animals, and I’m sure one day you’ll be dragging us to the store for a new kitty or puppy. You can’t get enough of them! You’re such a smart little person, Marilyn, blooming into a cuddly sweetheart of a girl. I’d buy you a litter of puppies, if I could!

I love our bottle time together after naps, how you nuzzle your little face into my neck and suck on your fingers. I want to hold you forever. There’s no better feeling in the world. I cherish it now, while you still want to cuddle.

You’re growing up so fast, it seems like every time I blink you’re doing something new. I’m going to miss these past few months. Soon you’ll be dressing yourself, riding your bike, reading to yourself, and then off to school you’ll go. My independent young girl. I hope you’ll always take care of your sister. That you’ll always help her and motivate her. I hope that you’ll be a leader and never allow anyone to tell you that you “can’t”, because you can. Of anyone in this world, Molly, you can. You are a strong willed, warm hearted tiny person with so much potential. I hope I can help you channel it into something that will make a difference in the world. I hope I am a good mother for you. You make me want to do better, think better, feel better, act better. I don’t want to cheat you out of anything that life has to offer such an amazing human being. It literally brings tears to my eyes. I want so badly to do right by you.

God puts people in your life to challenge you, in good ways and bad. You are here to challenge me in a good way. I love every day that we get to spend together, and I hope you feel the same. I hope that I don’t bore you or frustrate you. I hope I am meeting all of your wants and needs. You are a gift; a tangible, loving, living gift. I want you to know how much I appreciate you. How much I love you. My words don’t begin to explain the pleasure that is being appointed your mother. God has truly blessed me, humbled me, and taught me with your presence. I learn so much from you, and I’m happy and so proud to share my name with a such a beautiful, and one day talented, person.

I love you, Marilyn Kallay, forever and always,

Mommy

My Dear Sweet Precocious Lily,

My heart melts for those squishy cheeks, those batting eyelashes, and big brown eyes. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I first heard you cry. It literally took my breath away; a tear rolled down into my ear before I finally took another breath. After all that hard work, you were finally entering the world, my healthy little Baby A. So anxious to come and explore.

Our first few months were hard, weren’t they boo boo? Your poor little tummy in knots, and I couldn’t walk around with you in my arms. All I wanted to do was soothe you, but all I could do was look on as someone else walked you back to sleep. I cherish every moment I get to hold you now, my little lamb.

You were so calm and slow moving in the womb, and still, you let your sister take the spotlight. You’ve always been the happy one though. First to smile, first to giggle. Every morning, we’re greeted with such excitement from your side of the room. You are the definition of Joy. “She’s such a happy baby!” people say, “What a socializer she is!”. What a blessing to give birth to someone who spreads happiness and cheer every where we go! I hope no one ever breaks that spirit in you.

Lillian, my Lillers, I just love you, my silly hilarious girl.

You test my patience and make me more angry than anyone I’ve ever known, but that toothy grin of yours breaks me like a stick over a knee. You truly are my sunshine. My bright, sunny, beautiful sunshine. So warm and already sharing. I never knew I could love like this. When I tell you no, and you look over your shoulder at me and smile, it takes every fiber of my being not to smile and laugh with you. Discipline, it turns out, is harder on me than on you.

You’re almost one year old now! You’re crawling like a speeding train, walking with your hands straight up in the air in celebration, and babbling like a flooded brook. I love every second of watching you grow. How luck am I that I get to witness all of your firsts? Exceedingly, I’d say. I love watching you shovel food into your mouth, and even though it makes me want to scream, when you spit food down your chin, it is quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. You love every kind of food and have always eaten whatever we’ve put in front of you, and you love cooking with me, too. I like having company in the kitchen, and I can’t wait to show you all of my tricks.

I am in awe of how fast this year has gone by. The fact that we have Christmas lights up again is just baffling! It seems like just yesterday we were swaddling you in your blanket and bouncing you in your buzzy seat, hoping for an hour of peaceful sleep. Now? I love watching you sleep so peacefully with your little green binky and your pink ladybug blankie, there’s nothing more precious. I love waking up with you, so cheerful and ready to face another day. I love watching you learn new things, like drinking from your sippy cup, and watching you throw toys out of the toy box looking for that perfect bite. You are the cutest little pumpkin, all baby fat and giggles. Soon you will be a little girl, sooner than we think, and although I’ve enjoyed this year of babyhood, I’m ready to begin our next chapter together.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. I hope everyday that I’m doing this right, and believe me, you let me know when I’m not! I’ve never heard the kinds of noises you can make. I’ve loved every day of mothering you, good and horribly bad and I’ve learned more lessons this year than in my entire 30 years of life. I’ve discovered a kind of love that is literally indescribable. I care about you more than any other human being on Earth. I want to be the best person I can be, because of you. I want to change the world, or at least be a part of change, so that you can live in a world where good prevails. My heart literally feels full because of your presence in my life. All because you chose me. You are blessed and loved beyond measure Lillian, and I thank God every day for you.

I love you munchkin, forever and always.

-Mommy

This has been a non-busy busy day. One of those days where nothing is really going on, but nothing gets done either. Call it a lazy Sunday, call it a rainy day, call it whatever you want, really. I’m just glad it happened. I fell asleep watching the Deen Family Christmas special on Food Network accidentally, and now I’m more tired than I was when I fell asleep. God, I suck at napping. This will be a true #SOCSunday post. (for once)

I can’t stop thinking about it.

I look at my girls and I am so thankful that they’re here, but I feel like I’m missing the plus one.

This line “GOD, can you imagine if you had three!?” is really so hurtful and so demeaning. Because you know what? Yes, I can imagine if I had three. I’ve always wanted a big family. Now, because of some fluke heart problem, that reality has come and gone. With the girls’ first birthday looming, I can’t stop thinking about Baby C. I can’t stop thinking what could be. I just wish I wasn’t the only one. Maybe it’s the mother in me that makes me care so much, but Baby C was my baby, too. Maybe he or she was only 10 weeks, but that baby had a heart beat and then it didn’t. And damn it!! I’m not just going to forget! How nice for everyone else that they can.

I also can’t stop thinking about that fucking nurse. Every time I think about it. I get angrier and angrier. I’m planning on drafting the letter to the hospital this week. I feel armed with better knowledge now, and less like I’d just be a disgruntled mother of newborn twins who feels cheated out of a “normal” birth experience writing a letter for revenge. Now? I worry that someone else will walk in my shoes and not be as lucky as I am. I worry for that mother who is being told she’s eating too much when she can barely finish a salad plate of food. I worry for the mother who has no idea what’s about to happen to her, for the mother who has no idea that she won’t be able to walk five steps to the bathroom without feeling like she’s running a marathon. I worry for her postpartum mental health. I worry that she will feel disconnected from her baby or babies because she’s had to focus so much on her own health. I worry that no one will be her advocate, to stand up and say “STOP! I’m the patient, too! My health matters!” and that she’ll be blinded sided like I was. I worry that people will call her selfish for worrying about her own health. No one should have to go through what I’ve been through nor what I could have been through had an intervention not taken place. I feel like I don’t have a choice. I have to write this letter. I have to be the voice for mothers whose voices have been silenced. It’s never okay for a nurse or a doctor to discount your health just because you’re pregnant. There are normal symptoms, and then there are warning signs. As a medically trained individual, they should know better. I just hope the letter doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

Please God, let someone listen.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

1. Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
2. Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
3. Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
4. Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
5. Link up your post with all.things.fadra.
6. Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

One of my very favorite things about Thanksgiving is cooking.

I just love donning my pink apron, getting out my favorite recipes, and preparing a delicious meal for my family to fawn over.

My other favorite thing?

Leftovers!

Some people can’t fathom anything beyond turkey sandwiches for Thanksgiving leftovers. I’m here to tell you, the culinary world is your Oysters Rockefeller.

Last year at this time, I was strapped to machines, willing my blood pressure to go up, and cursing Nurse Masshole. My anger over this incident has risen considerably in recent months knowing what could have been had my doctor not called on his day off to check on me. Thank God someone cared about ME. Yes, the babies are important, but they were healthy and perfect. I was not. I couldn’t cook Thanksgiving, much less eat it, and though that was the least of my worries, it still sucked all the fun out of the holiday for me. So this year, I went wild!

I try to always make stock out of my bones; poultry, beef, or otherwise. It’s the easiest thing in the world that will save you so much money. Really, you’d cry if you knew how much we waste on crappy stock from the store. (If you use stock as much as we do.)

Here’s what you do:

Put your turkey bones in a pot. (Don’t worry if there’s meat still on them, just put them in the pot.)
Slice an onion in half, add that to the pot along with a few carrots, a couple stalks of celery, the parsley stems leftover from your feast, and a tablespoon or so of black peppercorns. Cover (or at least try to cover) the bones with water. Let it all simmer for a few hours. Skim off the goo. Strain through cheesecloth twice. Voila. Stock. Let it cool and store in the freezer in plastic quart containers.

It’s going to be gelatinous and that’s *perfect* stock. You want it to have some body and flavor. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

Now, who wants warm, cuddly soup?

Turkey Noodle Soup

Ingredients:
1 onion, chopped
4 large carrots, diced
3 stalks celery, diced
4 c. leftover turkey (more or less, if you like)
1 bag egg noodles (I used whole wheat.)
14 c. turkey or chicken stock (homemade is BEST!)
Palmful of dried parsley
salt and pepper, to taste

Directions:
1. Saute the onion in olive oil until translucent.

I love the smell of cooking onions in my kitchen.

Try to chop everything the same size. It'll help the veggies cook evenly. Chop them small enough that everyone can take a ride on the spoon together.

2. Add carrots and celery. Cook for five minutes, until vegetables are heated through.

Carrots and celery joining the party!

3. Add stock, bring to a boil.

I like a lot of soup, so I can freeze some for later, if you want less, use less stock and half of the turkey and noodles.

4. Simmer vegetables until soft.
5. Add noodles and use cook time according to package directions. (I swore I took a picture of this. Oops.)
6. Add turkey and parsley. Cook until turkey is hot.
7. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot with a sprinkle of parsley and a big spoon!

Mmmm... soup!

Filling in the blanks again with Lauren! Come join in!

1. The holiday season is my favorite time of the year. It’s time to relax with my family and enjoy my decorated home. It’s time to bake and to make things for others. It’s time to celebrate Christ’s birth and to be thankful for all of the blessings we’ve received. It’s time to sing songs I know most of the words to. It’s time to watch nature prepare for the Winter. (One of my favorite things now. The squirrels are so FAT!) It’s time for fluffy fuzzy socks, cozy sweaters, and hot chocolate with (fat free) whipped cream! It’s time for hilarious movies like Elf and Christmas Vacation, and touching movies like It’s a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street. I just love the holidays…

2. Snow makes me happy! I can’t wait to build our snow family this year! Last year my grandma built a snowman right outside our front window, and it was adorable! I can’t wait to get out there and help this year. Last year I could barely go grocery shopping without getting sweaty and light-headed and purely exhausted. This year, I intend to have a great holiday season.

3. The best comfort food to eat when it’s cold out is homemade macaroni and cheese, homemade soup, or hot chocolate! I love a big bowl of chili, too. (And maybe a cookie or three…)

4. Winter is the best time for getting all of the indoor projects done! It’s so easy to just plop and cuddle up in a blanket for the Winter, but getting my house organized has become a little bit addicting. I can’t wait to transform our pantry!

5. I can hardly wait for transforming our pantry!? I’m also really looking forward to Christmas this year. We’ll be surrounded with lots of family and it’s been a long time since I’ve had a big family Christmas. I am so looking forward to making more memories.

6. When it comes to holiday gifts I prefer to GIVE! I love the feeling of watching someone open a gift that I know they’ll love, or that I spent a lot of time on. I also like watching my grandma read her cards to herself… out loud.

7. If I were to rate my excitement about the holiday season on a scale from 1-10, I would say I am at about a 10! We aren’t getting wrapped up, no pun intended, in the commercialism this year. I love the idea of giving gifts that are handmade and supporting businesses that really need the income. It feels like giving them a gift! I am excited for the girls’ first birthday coming up in just a few days. I’m loving listening to Christmas music all day long. I’m excited to have our house starting to twinkle with all of the Christmas decor. Now all we need is some snow and I’m all set!

Dear Fred and Julie,

Fifteen years have come and gone. I can hardly believe it.

Looking back at that poor weeping fourteen year old girl, I wish I could tell her what I know now. I wish I could comfort her and put her back together again. Your passing broke her, but it changed my life and taught me lessons I could never have learned.

Your shortened lives taught me to live every minute of my life. To go after dreams, to learn as much as I can. I’ve learned that it’s okay to laugh, even when I feel like crying. I’ve learned that it’s okay to let go of grief, and to let memories flood my heart instead. I’m not dishonoring you by pushing sadness aside, but rather remembering you the way you would have wanted.

I never thought there would come a day when I could think of you or talk about you without crying. Now, I love to remember you. I love thinking of your unique laughs, radiant smiles, and vibrant ways of living. I can hardly keep myself from smiling when I think of you anymore.

Two Big Sisters

Julie, you were always so nice to me. So patient and playful. You lit up entire rooms with your outgoing spirit. I loved being around you and I miss all of those family parties when we would sing and dance until I was completely out of breath. I remember my mom braiding your hair before work and wishing that I could have hair like yours. I still do, too! You had the most beautiful hair! When I picture you now, I bet you would have been such a cool mom and devoted wife. You would have been that mom everyone envied. Beautiful and smart, laid back, with fun and adventurous care free children. How lucky would I have been to have *two* big sisters to lead the way into motherhood? I miss you the most around the holidays and in the summer time. All of the family parties, the laughter, and feeling like we had a huge family. I miss that. I’m so blessed to have an angel like you and to have memories like that.

Fred, the older I get, the more I realize how lucky I am. Not every girl with a deadbeat dad has a father figure like you that will step into his shoes and carry on. I’m not sure what’s worse though, having a father who doesn’t care that gets to live his miserable life, or to have a wonderful father figure who loved me unconditionally that had to leave too soon. I am blessed to have had you in my life either way. My worst memories of you are the best I’d ever get from my real dad, and my best memories of you replace all of the worst memories of his. Having my own children now, I often wish you could be here to meet them, but then I remember who you’re with, and I know you are watching over them and me, and aren’t they beautiful? There is no greater pain than losing a father, mother, sister, or brother, but to lose a good one.

I miss you both so much, but the good thing about death is that it can only happen once. I will never have to lose you again, and you will always live on in my memories and the memories of others. You gave us all a remarkable amount of joy. I hope you are resting peacefully and that I am making you proud.

I’ll love you forever. There’s no doubt about that.

{thanks}

As another year of NaBloPoMo comes to a close, I thought I would take this opportunity to check in with my Happy Birthday 2011 List. Shockingly, (not really) a lot of the items on this list made it onto my 101 in 1001 list. As a procrastinator, this makes me feel great because now I know that even if I didn’t finish something this year, at least I have another few hundred days to accomplish whatever it is. (As a perfectionist, this also makes me cringe a little. Hello, double edged sword! Nice to see you again!) It’s been a year of serious tenacity and strength, but here we are! When I look back at the past 11 months, I see a lot of blur and fuzz and my head spins. It’s all gone so fast! My babies are taking steps, feeding themselves, learning two languages (English and sign) and so much has happened, I don’t have words to describe it all. I’m looking forward to 2012 so very, very much, but until then, here is some of what I accomplished this year.

Money

{I wouldn’t say it’s been a great year for money, but managing money? Oh yes, we’ve come leaps and bounds.}

1. Save. I don’t care how much, but I want to have a savings account with money in it by the end of the year. {In process!! But first, we’re switching banks!}
2. Pay off Peanut. (But really, we just want to pay her down enough to purchase something bigger to fit two babies, a giant dog and the luggage that goes with all of that… including a 50 lb. double stroller.) {ALMOST there!!!}
3. Continue to pay off medical debt. {This feels like a never ending, uphill, Ironman battle, but we’ll get there.}
4. Begin to pay off student loans and other debt with Dave Ramsey’s snowball plan.
5. Make a Budget, Stick to it.
6. Learn about investing.

Family

{Two of the most important things on this list are still not done. 2012, here we come.}

1. Try a new food and/or recipe once per week. {Probably not every week, but there were weeks when we did multiple new recipes, and found some keepers! Thanks to Pinterest and a new way of eating!}
2. Teach the girls sign language. (um… and learn sign language.) {We’re working on it!}
3. Make my own baby food.
4. Continue with breastfeeding and do it more often. {I went as long as I could before a medical intervention stopped the whole sha-bang. Sad day.}
5. Date night with Ryan once per month.{Wheel of Fortune Bankrupt sound.}
6. Continue to document the girls’ lives with pictures. (and ours, too!) {Considering our camera gave us the finger this year, I think we’ve done a great job of keeping up with the kittens’ progress!}
7. Meet new people and make new friends. {Online counts. I called it.}
8. Volunteer. {While we didn’t have time to go out and volunteer in our community, we did donate a Thanksgiving dinner to a family in need. Warm fuzzies for all!}
9. Road trip! {Does Ann Arbor count? I mean, we *did* spend the night!}
10. Write a will. (depressing, yes. essential, yes.) {We’re working on it.}

Personal Growth

{Ugh. Lousy. Just lousy.}

1. Finish my afghan.
2. Run a 5K.
3. Learn how to roast my own coffee.
4. Yoga. More of it.
5. Try something new. (like a craft instead of people this time, perhaps gardening) {Turns out, I’m a pretty kick ass vegetable grower!}
6. Pick up my brushes and paint again. (Maybe take another watercolor class for a refresher course.)
7. Go back to church. (no excuses now that I’m not pregnant) {Except that a broken car and a faulty heart actually *do* count as good reasons. We may have found a new church to attend though, so that counts for something, I suppose.}
8. Turn a weakness into a strength. {I have been organizing my brains out this year. I’ve finally let go of the need to hang onto crap, and slowly but surely, we’re getting rid of all of the unnecessary junk. It feels great! Plus, I made myself a shiny new planner!}
9. Stay organized.
10. Continue to purge. (Hello, Goodwill!)

Reading & Writing

{There are things on this list that thankfully made it onto the 101 in 1001 list. One didn’t, and that makes me sad, but I think I’ve found a remedy!}

1. Begin a novel. {I’m about 24,000 words into my first novel, and I can’t wait to see what the story brings. I plan on participating in NaNoWriMo again next year, and managing my time, and husband, so that my next novel is completed in 30 days. I can’t wait!}
2. NaBloPoMo in November {Year Two! Complete!!}
3. Read the Bible in 90 Days. {This will be on the 101 in 1001 list, somehow.}
4. Write more articles for Examiner.com. (And finish the ones I’ve started.)
5. Read 25 books.
6. Blog redesign & self host! (PLEASE.)
7. Utilize the library.
8. Read endlessly to the girls. {We don’t endlessly read to the girls, but their attention spans do allow for the occasional short story!}

I still have a month, so we might be able to check a couple more things off of this list! Who wants to go to the library, write an article for Examiner.com, and knit an afghan? Just me?

Due to giant piles of snow…

And being stuck on a highway…

No intelligent thoughts will be shared today, just this sad picture.

This is some NaBloPoMo dedication! 

Here’s a little bit of random for your Monday:

1. Yesterday was my Blogiversary! Six years I’ve been pouring over this thing. A few venue changes have taken place (Live Journal, MySpace, Blogspot, and now WordPress) over the years, and a whole lot of blogging therapy. I love looking back and reading posts from years gone by. I love the feeling of knowing that, hey, I overcame that! Or even looking back and thanking God and whomever else is listening, that I am not that person anymore. It’s a great reminder that while times can get tough, everything works out for the best in the end. Happy Six Years to me!

2. Ryan and I donated a Thanksgiving dinner to a family in need last week. I have no idea who they are or where they’re from or what their need was, but I so hope that their Thanksgiving was magical and wonderful and reminded them that there are still some good people left in the world. (…who won’t mace you to get to a video game. Seriously, folks? It’s called Amazon.)

3. Please meet Ferguson Flannery the Family Fowl all dressed up and ready to go!

SO delicious!!!!

4. Today I’m making Turkey Noodle Soup from the leftover turkey and the stock I made with Ferguson’s bones. I think he rather enjoyed the hot tub because this stock turned out fabulously! I’ll probably give you the recipe. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our family. Lots of great food, lots of laughter, Ryan and I squeezed in a date night, and the girls never touched the floor. I think the weekend was a giant success!

5. The girls’ first birthday is in one week and two days. I’m still hemming and hawing about toys. What do you get a one year old that won’t be a giant waste of money? Am I a bad mother for wanting to make their toys myself? I just look at the toy aisle, everything’s $20+ and none of it seems as fun or as educational as some of the stuff I’ve seen on Pinterest. At least they will look adorable and have delicious (healthy) cake to smash!

6. NaNoWriMo – And… Scene. I was doing great for a while, I got up to almost 24,000 words, and then I felt guilty for not spending time with Ryan. I finished my planner, which was a couple of days of hard work and zero time for anything else. (I’m still working on quotes!) I’ll probably still keep writing and finish the thing, because I do enjoy the story. I doubt I’ll ever publish it though. It was a great exercise, but it’s an editor’s wet dream. The whole thing would be red. My new goal is to get to 35,000 words before the 30th.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day after the holiday. I can hear my scale giggling from all the way in here.

I hope you all have a Happy Monday!

Well, that was awkward.

You know when you haven’t seen someone in a while, and then you go out to lunch or dinner and even though you have lots to talk about, nothing really comes to mind?

I kind of felt like that last night.

Ryan and I went on a date night for the first time in a couple of months, and I think because neither of us wanted to talk shop about bills, babies, or any of the other stressful things, we tried to keep it light. I’m so thankful for the alone time, and really appreciated the lack of conflict, but it was so awkward! I looked around at all the childless couples around us chattering away and here we were, talking sparsely about the food and watching the clock because we were trying to make it to the movie on time. In the car we listened to comedy and laughed together but didn’t really talk much.

It’s not that we’re not in love or that we don’t enjoy each other’s company. Believe me, it was nice to march toward 8 p.m. without a wet baby hanging off my hip begging for a bottle or just otherwise a sleepy mess, and to sit with my husband in a movie theater and hold hands.

If the experience taught me anything, it was that Ryan and I need to get out more. We need to make more time for just the two of us to talk and hang out and grow our relationship. It’s still a sapling of a thing, after just barely two years, and for us to ignore that fact would only be detrimental. I’ll tell you what though, seeing him in his jeans, with his hair done, dressed in a nice shirt just for me? That feeling wasn’t awkward at all.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

1. Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
2. Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
3. Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
4. Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
5. Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
6. Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

For the tea lover (or spice guru), I found these DIY tea kits. I can already smell the aromas! Orange peel and lavender, chamomile and hibiscus, mmm… where’s my afghan? This set is $22 and includes all of these tins, and two mesh bags for steeping.

This anklet could totally be worn as a bracelet and it includes sea glass from Lake Michigan. It’s listing for $20. I wear colors like this a lot, so this is one of those unique pieces that would go with everything. I love jewelry like that!

I can’t talk about jewelry without mentioning my friend’s fantastic business, Daisy & Elm Jewelry and Rosaries. She has an eye for unique beads, and makes the most gorgeous pieces. She does great custom work, too, so if you have something in mind, but can’t find exactly what you want, Allyson will definitely be able to help you out. She also has a knack for writing, and will make you laugh your fuzzy socks off. Check her out here.

I love this picture frame. What a great way to capture a day at the beach or a family vacation up North. This one sells for $18. The frame is made from actual driftwood from Lake Michigan. She has one in the shape of a square, too.

I’ve been hemming and hawing about Christmas cards this year because I hate wasting the paper, and no one actually saves them anyway. I found these great cards on Etsy that have seeds inside! You just plant the biodegradable packet with the seeds in it, and watch them grow! The seller says that most of the seeds in the packets are wildflowers, which are awesome for summer bouquets. These are priced at five cards for $15 or one card for $4. You could include a family picture that someone would be more apt to save, or even a gift card!

I’m a fool for purses, so I couldn’t pass up this vegan handbag. The seller is from Israel, but because she’s on Etsy, I consider her business to be small, and I can totally get behind that! The handbag comes in all different colors, and she has a wide variety of styles, too. This one lists at $119.

Do you have pets or have friends with pets? You could whip up a batch of homemade biscuits, or purchase some from a pet bakery like Fuzzy Butz Bakery in Saint Joseph, Michigan. This place smells wonderful when you walk in the door, and then you get sucked into pet world! They have everything. Pet outfits, pet food, all kinds of accessories and natural remedies, and of course, the most nutritious and satisfying pet treats! (for cats, too!)

Apple Granola Yogurt Dipped Biscuits

These are $5.99 for one half pound of treats. From the bakery: These treats are our #1 selling biscuit. Filled with fresh Michigan apples,honey and oats then dipped in a heavenly yogurt topping. I bought one of their mixes to make our own treats and it was a ton of fun. A great gift for kids to help with and give to their teachers!

Coffee, confections, and wine from local cafes, like Sweetwaters Cafe in Ann Arbor, chocolate covered pretzels and other assorted chocolates from The South Bend Chocolate Company, and wineries, like Lemon Creek Winery in Grand Haven, are always great gifts, too!

Also, try your state’s website for tourists and locate the small shops near you, or even search for gifts on their websites. You can also search Etsy for sellers in your area. Whether it’s one gift, or all of your gifts for this holiday season, supporting your local businesses is important all year round. Get out there and explore, you’ll be surprised at what you find right in your own backyard!

Happy Saturday!

1.   Waking up at the break of dawn to go shopping is my idea of  cruel and unusual punishment. When I shop, I like to go in, find what I need (even if it means shopping for two hours for jeans), and get out. Unless it’s a new store that I’ve never been to where it’s like a wonderland of sales (I’m looking at you, Gordman’s). Also, Pier 1. I don’t want to get up early to go fight for position with inconsiderate shoppers, only to have to stand in line forever, get sweaty from the inevitable hot air, and then do it all over again at the next store. No that’s not my idea of a good time, like, at all.

2.   If I were to go shopping today I would be on the hunt for white chocolate, pistachios, cranberries, pretty cellophane bags, ribbons, and other supplies for my homemade Christmas.

3.  The best thing I ate yesterday was my corn pudding and mashed potatoes, and my grandma’s rolls and cranberry sauce. Last year I couldn’t even sit at our family table. I sat in my chair and someone brought me a little plate of food that I rested on my giant moving belly. I could barely eat it since I felt like I already had a Thanksgiving dinner working its way through me. So, it was Carb Fest 2011 for me yesterday. I couldn’t get enough of the super filling starches. Mmmm mmm mmm…..

4.  Something I’ve been learning lately is to follow my heart. To take control of my own happiness. To fully be in the moment. That things can always, always be worse. That sometimes people will surprise when you least expect it, but at the exact moment you need it the most.

5.  I cannot start my day without putting on my glasses. I’m blind as a bat without them. If it’s cold, I put on a sweatshirt, and then I mosey into the kitchen for a nice hot cup of delicious coffee.

6.  My nighttime attire consists of a Wisconsin t-shirt (I have white, pink, purple, red….) and my comfy gray yoga pants gone pajama pants, and in the winter, my puffy socks. That’s my favorite. If I *have* to, I’ll wear my other pajamas pants, but I’ve had the gray ones for years. I love them. They’re super soft, fit me no matter what size I am, and are warm enough for winter, but cool enough for the summer. I wish I could find a pair again, but they don’t make them like this anymore. Don’t you hate that?

7.  I am looking forward to spending time with my in-laws today and relaxing. Yesterday was busy with a cooking marathon, then a cleaning marathon, I made turkey stock with my leftover bones, and then cleaned some more… I’m tired. My feet hurt. I’m tired of sweating. So today will hopefully be about doing a whole lot of nothing. (And maybe some reading, or perhaps some writing to catch up on my NaNo novel since I’m about 27,000 words behind.)

I hope you all have a safe and prosperous Black Friday! Don’t forget your ankle guards to save yourself from those dreaded carts driven by people looking for deals and not for your Achilles tendons!

Last year, I asked my nephew a few questions about Thanksgiving, and he made my sides hurt from laughter. This year, all I got was “dadadalalalagagagoodadamamamamamamMAAAA!” from the girls, so I had to once again rely on my nephew for blog fodder, but this year, my niece was able to play, too! My nephew has, in the words of my sister, grown up considerably in the past year. My 3 year old niece, however, is still figuring this whole thing out. I had to include my sister’s comments, (mine are in purple) because it just makes the whole thing *that* much more funny (and also, sweet). I hope you are merrily watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade, enjoying your families, and stuffing yourselves to the gills with delicious food.

Happy Thanksgiving from my kitchen (okay, and family) to yours!

1. Tell me the story of the First Thanksgiving.

N: It happened when the pilgrims came to the United States on the Mayflower from Europe. It took 3-6 weeks. The first settlers looked around to see if there was any trouble (he acted this part out BTW while he was explaining it to me. Arm extended, looking down the sites.) Then they met two Indians. I forgot what their names were. Then they celebrated the first Thanksgiving.

A: All the people were having a party! (Woo Hoo! Scurvy for all!)

2.What is Thanksgiving all about?

N: It’s all about the Pilgrims.

A: Having school. And there’s turkey on the table. (WTF?)

3. What foods are part of Thanksgiving dinner?

N: Turkey. Stuffing. (You’ll remember from last year that his least, least, least, least, LEAST favorite was stuffing.)

A: Turkey. Fish. Duckies. (<3)

4. What foods should be part of Thanksgiving dinner?

N: Corn, Beans, Squash, and butter… Also tacos and peanut butter. (I suspect, in college, he will be a Taco Bell man. Also, yes. Butter. Totally a side dish.)

A: Turkey. And more turkey. (I concur! But also, mashed potatoes, which you still probably hate. My niece and nephew both.)

5. Tell me about a Thanksgiving tradition in your family.

N: We go to someone’s house and see family.

A: Pop bubbles and play outside. (*sigh*) (*I* want to pop bubbles!)

6. What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

N: My mom (melty mom), my dad, Anna, my cousins. Everybody in my family. (He meant “my RAD Awesome Aunt Kallay” when he said “everybody”… just helping him translate.)

A: Charlie. Cinderella. You (points to me. Again…melty), Daddy and Nathan. (Charlie is the dog. Cinderella is also code for “my RAD Awesome Aunt Kallay”. And I can almost hear her saying Nathan (Nate-an) which makes me heart all explodey.)

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Why brine?

If you’ve never experienced the magic that is a brined turkey, frankly, I pity you.

From Wikipedia:

In cooking, brining is a process similar to marination in which meat is soaked in brine before cooking.[1] Brining makes cooked meat moister by hydrating the cells of its muscle tissue before cooking, via the process of osmosis, and by allowing the cells to hold on to the water while they are cooked, via the process of denaturation.[1] The brine surrounding the cells has a higher concentration of salt than the fluid within the cells, but the cell fluid has a higher concentration of other solutes.[1] This leads salt ions to diffuse into the cell, whilst the solutes in the cells cannot diffuse through the cell membranes into the brine. The increased salinity of the cell fluid causes the cell to absorb water from the brine via osmosis.[1] The salt introduced into the cell also denatures its proteins.[1] The proteins coagulate, forming a matrix that traps water molecules and holds them during cooking. This prevents the meat from dehydrating.

Basically, your turkey will never be more flavorful or more moist (really wiki, moister??) than it will be after taking a nice long bath in salt.

“But it’s so hard!”

No, it’s not.

My standby recipe for brining has always been just plain water, a little sugar, salt, and a few peppercorns all dumped inside of a double bagged turkey. Wait for 12-16 hours, take out the turkey, rinse, pat dry, continue as usual.

This year, I’m using Alton Brown’s recipe because it sounds delicious, and I’m bored with my regular turkey routine.

The ingredients for the brine are as follows:

1 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 gallon vegetable stock
1 tablespoon black peppercorns
1 1/2 teaspoons allspice berries
1 1/2 teaspoons chopped candied ginger
1 gallon heavily iced water

I know what you’re thinking.

“Dude, where the fuck am I going to find allspice berries and candied ginger at this hour? And also, one gallon of vegetable stock?”

Let me help you!

Allspice berries can be found in the spice section of the market, and you can buy the whole berries in the tiny containers, and they were on sale at my store. Good things! Use the extra for mulling spices on the stove. Your house will never smell better.

Candied ginger can be found in a few places. Everyone’s mad about fruit cake right now. (No, really, who likes fruit cake? It’s mad!) So, most stores have a whole mess of candied fruit set up on a display in the produce section or near the bakery. (Mine are one and the same, and if you shop at the giant box stores, your produce/bakery/deli probably are, too.) You can also find it in the baking aisle, and sometimes in the “World Foods” aisle near the Asian persuasion. It depends on how far removed from the holidays we are. Use the extra ginger for ginger snap cookies!

Next! Vegetable stock. Listen, I’m not going to throw $10 of anything away, so I did not purchase 4 quarts of organic vegetable stock at $2.39 per box. That’s just never going to happen. I did however find vegetable “Flavor Booster” for $1.39 per box, and guess what? It doesn’t suck. You may decide for yourself though. I can throw $1.39 away without feeling the need for repentance, but $10? Not. So, it’s up to you, but I’d recommend either a) making your own or b) selling out for bullion.

Something else to keep in mind; your big guns of flavors are not coming from the vegetable stock. They’re coming from the salt, the ginger, and the allspice. If you’re going to spend money, that’s where you want to spend it.

Now that you’ve found your ingredients, stir them all together in a giant pot with one gallon of water (that’s 16 cups) on the stove and dissolve all of the salt and bullion. Let it cool and then refrigerate it.

Dancing berries and peppercorns!

(It’s Wednesday, your turkey is thawed out, right?) Place your thawed turkey (breast side down) into a 5 gallon bucket, (I lined mine with a clean trash bag, because… food safety. Oh, and buckets gross me out.) pour the brine over the turkey and add your ice water, and then, to help the brine get into the whole turkey (and to remove the need for flipping it over) I cinch the bag closed near the top of the turkey.

The Vessel

Please remove the penis, er... neck, and plastic goodie bag of organs. (Use those for stock!!) And save that twine! You never know when you'll need it!

This is a hunk-a hunk-a twenty pound bird, so I put it in the bucket diagonally to get it on its boobs as much as possible.

See how the boobs are completely submerged? You want that.

Try to get as much of the air as possible. Using a rubber band will help it stay in place better than a twisty tie.

Oh, sure! This is safe!

This will be fun tomorrow! 30 pounds UP the stairs! Yay! But first, coffee.

Store the drowning turkey in the refrigerator and brine for 8-16 hours. (The bigger the bird, the longer the brine.)

See? It really is simple. In less time than it takes you to peel your five pound bag of potatoes, you have a flavorful turkey on the way. Wine is great, but there’s little better in the world than a turkey in a fine brine.

Hey! There’s my Christmas tree!

And look! Remember this?

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Now hurry and run to the store! You *need* a brined turkey!

It was just so pretty though, with all the organization and colors. I couldn’t let it go. So, I decided to make my own.

Four months later, I finally have the finished product and I am in love. It cost me half of what I would have paid for an Erin Condren planner, *and* I have all of the personal touches I could ask for. Birthdays and Anniversaries in the calendar, lots of space for notes, pages for lists, monthly and weekly budgets, and every day is broken down into sections. I used to try and break my days up in the old store bought planners in the teeny space they gave me to write with my giantess handwriting and it always ended in chaos. Now? I have this…

A simple front cover.

Pictures of my family, and a place for my name and address. (In case it's lost. Oh, the heart break.)

Room for notes on the front and back pages, because I have a horrible memory!

The most beauuuutiful year at a glance!

A Bucket List for all of the things I want to do, and a Cleaning List to remind me what I should clean.

A wise word, and a beautiful calendar, complete with holidays and the birthdays of people I love.

A page for budgeting our weeks and month, and a page for a weekly master list!

Week at a glance! Plus daily room for Morning, Day, and Night scheduling. PLUS a place for a Menu, Goals, and even more Notes!

I found these great colorful clips, too, which is what spurred the color choices.

Isn’t she lovely? I can’t stop making lists. I feel so much more productive, too, being able to cross things off. Did I mention that she’s just so damn PRETTY!? The only person happier about this planner being completed is my husband, because I’m sure he’s SO tired of hearing about it, since I talk about it every single day.

Do you make your own daily planners?

(A side note: A couple people have asked about buying them. I’m working out pricing and trying to find a way to print them even cheaper so I can offer them at a fair price. I’ll keep you posted!)

{thanks}

It’s going to be a great Holiday season this year! We have  family to visit, lots of great food, and I couldn’t be more excited about being able to cook this year! Last year at this time, I was so miserable. I could barely breathe, eating was hard and un-enjoyable, and cooking was absolutely out of the question. This year? I want to wear my apron all week and dance around the grocery aisles, THAT’S how excited I am!

We have a huge menu, and a small gathering, but we like leftovers. I’m planning on making my Thanksgiving Pot Pie again this year, so the leftovers really are welcome!

Here’s what we’ve got planned:

Turkey – Yet to be named! (I name all of my Turkeys) I always brine my turkey, because it makes it so unbelievably juicy and it stays moist as leftovers, too. This year I’m using Alton Brown’s recipe to try it out. Everyone raves about it, and as much as I love mine, I want to try something new.  Apple and onions? Yum!

Her name was "Sugah", courtesy of my nephew. circa Turkey Day 2009

Creamy Mashed Potatoes  - soft, fluffy Yukon Gold potatoes with butter, cream, salt, and a touch of white pepper. I haven’t decided if I’m going to use Roasted Garlic or not yet.

Stuffing – I bake  mine outside of the Turkey. I use a bag of stuffing mix, saute onions and celery together, add some fresh sage and parsley, an egg, and a little chicken stock. I bake it according to the package directions and VOILA! Stuffing that won’t give me food poisoning *and* that tastes great!

My grandma’s (my dad’s mom’s) Corn Pudding! Of course I’ll share the recipe!

Corn Pudding

1 pint of frozen corn

16 oz. can of creamed corn

2 eggs, well beaten

salt, to taste

1 c. cracker crumbs

1 c. milk

2 T. butter

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl. Pour into a greased baking dish. Bake at 425 degrees for 30-45 minutes until puffed and center is firm.

Green Beans with sauteed onions and mushrooms – I just can’t do the casserole thing. I told Ryan I would make it for him next month, though. I’m a good wifey.

My grandma (mom’s mom) is bringing:

Baked Cabbage

Candied Yams

Squash

Cranberry Sauce (I usually make this, too, but she already said she was bringing it. You don’t step on your grandma’s toes.)

My mom is making:

Pumpkin Pie (best ever)

Apple Crisp (delicious with ice cream!)

My mother-in-law is bringing:

Antipasto Tray (because you have to appetizers, right!?)

Some sort of carrot dish (I can’t wait to try this!)

Sunday we’re having a brunch with Ryan’s family, and I can’t wait for that! I *love* breakfast foods, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had a real brunch.

What are you munching on for Thanksgiving? 

I’ve become a person who can empathize with others because of all that I’ve been through in the past 29 years, but I’m not sure that I like it.

I enjoy helping others, and I enjoy being able to share my experiences with others, especially if it’s helpful to them. What I don’t enjoy is feeling as if I need to literally feel their pain in order to help.

I’ve gotten better at this recently, and I think it’s been really healthy for me. I’ve been re-reading The Happiness Project and it’s helped me really grasp the true meaning of what happiness is in my own life. This year has really been a test of my happiness. I’ve had health problems, marriage problems, family problems, and personal problems, but at the end of the day, I wouldn’t tell you that I’m unhappy. Unfulfilled, maybe, but not unhappy. I’m able to laugh at life’s curve balls, and accept them as they come. I saw a quote on Pinterest a while ago, and I’ve been living and breathing this saying like some have been clinging to the Keep Calm posters. The saying goes:

“A bad day does not equal a bad life.”

A better way of saying: “Take one day at a time.”

There have been days when I’ve been a mountain of tears and anger and distrust and frustration, but I’ve learned to be in those moments, allow myself to feel all of those things, and then to wake up the next day with a fresh start. Not long ago, I would be in that same moment, but in a different frame of mind. Rather than being armed with the knowledge that it’s just one day, and that things will be okay in the morning, I would rip apart my entire life. I would take all of those mean things that people said seriously. I wouldn’t separate fact from fiction. I believed every bad thing that anyone had said to me. I would sink deeper and deeper into this really dark, sad place. I would wrap myself in this cloak of depression for days and days, and eventually I would arrive at the business end of a bottle.

I’m not an addict.

I’m not an alcoholic.

I didn’t go on two week benders or drool at the sight of a bottle of liquor.

I just wanted to go away. I didn’t want to get drunk or get high, I just wanted to be gone.

After days of replaying all of the recorded messages from the past in my head, I believed that my life was worthless. I believed that other people thought I was worthless. Not thought. BELIEVED. I knew it to be true. So, I thought, what the hell am I doing here?

Now, I look back on those days and I wonder how I arrived here. How did I wiggle out of that cloak? When did I change my mind?

I’ve always loved affirmation, like the majority of my generation, and when I was met with conflict or criticism, whether it was true or false, I would take it in, and it would pile up and pile up, and eventually I would crack and my days of pity would begin.

What I’ve learned to do is, rather than relying on others to tell me how great I am, make a conscious decision to make sure I’m doing it for myself. That’s not to say that I don’t love it when others pat me on the back, but it’s not what feeds my self worth anymore. I don’t rely on others’ opinions of me to drive my boat. I changed my mind. It doesn’t mean that I can sit here and say that I don’t care what other people think of me, because I do. We all do. We all have people in our lives that we want to please and that we want affirmation from. I think the key for me has been to ask myself: “Am I hurting someone?” If the answer is no, then I’m probably going to do it. Eventually, those critics will come around. I don’t wallow in self pity because someone else thinks I made a bad choice or because someone says something unkind and untrue. All of this has helped me gain control of my happiness and to rely on myself for it, rather than someone else.

What’s really got me all twisted up lately, is that I have a lot of friends going through some really tough stuff. I can empathize with each of their situations and I want so badly to help them out of their dark places, to tell them that it gets better, but only if you want it to, and only if YOU do the work.

But I know that feeling.

I know that feeling of being at the bottom of a well and wanting someone to come rescue me. What I’ve learned is that I’m my own rope out of the well. I have great friends and family, but at the end of the day, it was up to me.

I don’t know how to say that without making them feel worse. Happiness is not a life without conflict, it’s choosing to accept life with its conflicts and smile anyway. But I don’t know how to say that either. I don’t want to take on their pain when I’ve spent so much time healing my own. I want them to do it on their own. I can offer advice or just listen, but I don’t want to feel it for them. It feels selfish, but I know it’s not.

Apparently, I’m good at empathy, but I suck at sympathy.

First of all, I have to thank Shana @ Fumbling Towards Normalcy. I’ve thanked her already, but I just *have* to brag about this. She’s having a pretty rough weekend, because her dad was hit by a car in a hit and run this week. If you could go over and lend her a word of support and send up a prayer for her family, I know she would appreciate it.

So, as you know, I was having a pretty craptastic week last week. Peanut went into a coma, my phone was peed on, money is tight, and Christmas is right around the corner. A good mood, this does not make.

Shana had mentioned that she had something she was going to send me. I *thought* it was going to be a book we’d been discussing, but instead she completely surprised me with this:

Yes, all six!

I had casually mentioned in last week’s fill in the blank Friday post (when Ryan woke me up with thrilling news) that the entire Fall collection from Essie was on my wish list, because seriously? The colors are BEAUTIFUL. (and even more so in person) When I opened the box last night, it was after Ryan and I had argued about something stupid. (Don’t worry, we made up, we always do!) I think we made up even faster because I couldn’t stop smiling. What a welcome and thoughtful surprise! It made my whole week!

Here are some other things I fell in love with this week: (click the pics to go to the source!)

Just kidding. (but really, it is a fantastically gorgeous machine, is it not?)

Pair this with some delicious peppermint tea and you’d have a great gift!

So cooool, especially if you have more than one device to charge. (phone, iPod, another phone…)

I need to learn how to be crafty. These are adorable!

These little shrugs are for the girls’ Christmas dresses. Now that I have my phone back, I’ll have to take some pics. They’re adorable! So red and sparkly!

Have you had any fantastic surprises lately? Found any goodies while shopping online? Tell me about them!

Happy Saturday!

1. A nervous habit I have is sweating? Talking so fast that I run out of breath and then I sound like I’ve run a marathon? Chewing the corner of my mouth? Playing with my fingers? I’m not sure which one to choose. They’re all irritating.

2. Something that makes me sad is that all of my BFFs live in other states. I miss having girl friend time that doesn’t require a lot of effort. You know, just having someone around that I can hang out with in my pj’s and laugh with. Texting and phone calls help, but it’s not the same.

3. Today I am thankful for feeling better! No headache, no nausea, and only the normal amount of sleepiness, not the drag myself around the house kind of sleepiness I had yesterday! Woo hoo!!

4. My favorite room in my house is my living room. I have more pictures on the walls now, my couch is crazy comfy, the girls can play safely in here, and it’s where my hubby and I spend most of our time. I’m not done decorating, but it sure feels like home.

5. I can’t stand this new noise Lily is making. I love my girls, I do, with all of my heart, but seriously? I want to duct tape her mouth shut until she finds a new noise. You know that noise they make on Dumb and Dumber that’s the most annoying noise in the world? They were right. Especially when she does it at the TOP OF HER LUNGS first thing in the morning. It makes my ears ring and my eyes cross. I’m ready for a new sound.

6. If I had an extra $100 to spend on whatever I wanted today I would go Christmas shopping. We don’t have credit cards so we pay for everything in cash, and thanks to Dave Ramsey we’re a lot more responsible with our money. But you know what? Budgeting is so BORING. There is absolutely no spontaneity in shopping anymore. The good news is, at least we’ll have some sort of safety net when all is said and done and we’ll be debt free. I can’t complain about that.

7. The last people I hung out with were (other than my husband and my mom, who I see almost daily) my sister’s family and my aunt and uncle. We had a smashing good time. We watched football, ate some delicious food, and laughed our asses off. That’s what our family functions are all about, eating and laughing.

Come link up with Lauren today and fill in the blanks!

Happy Friday!

I’m feeling under the weather today, but I am still really excited because today is my

300th post!!!!!!

No one could be more thankful for that!

I also stumbled upon a somewhat disturbing and yet very uplifting discovery yesterday.

It made me more thankful to be alive than I’ve ever been.

Sure, I have a headache, my insides are all twisty, and I feel like crawling back into my pajamas and calling it a sick day. Motherhood is the only job in the world where you can’t actually have a sick day though. We clean poop and barf and snot off of other people, but wipe our own noses, we must.

But I’m still so very, very thankful.

Meet Bethany.

Bethany was a perfectly healthy 24 year old when she was diagnosed with Peripartum Cardiomyopathy (PPCM aka Postpartum Cardiomyopathy), the same thing I was diagnosed with after having the girls, but Bethany’s story took a turn that I am lucky, blessed, and thankful mine I did not have to take. Bethany had to endure a heart transplant.

You may remember my last month of pregnancy when I posted about a nurse who refused to listen, and about a doctor who did the same. I literally, in the past 24 hours, have shuttered thinking about what could have been, if my own doctor hadn’t listened. I told my mom about Bethany’s story this morning and she paused and then said, “Yeah, I’d heard that could be a possibility for you, but I put it out of my mind.”

You can add that to the things I am thankful for. While I believe that doctors should tell you everything, the stress I endured just feeling the way I did without the added possibility of a transplant was enormous, so I think not knowing was actually a good thing.

There is no cure for PPCM, although treatment options have increased and the survival rate is now 95-98% thanks to medicinal and sometimes, like in Bethany’s case, surgical interventions. They don’t know what causes it or even how to prevent it, and there is no way to predict if it will return in subsequent pregnancies. They do say pregnancy should be avoided if your ejection fraction (the rate at which your heart pumps the blood back out into the body) is lower than 55%. Mine is barely at 60% (which is in the normal range) and my doctor would like to see it higher. At this point, I am not allowed to be on birth control because of the risk factors for stroke, blood clots, etc. The combination of these facts is a little scary for me. While down the road, I might like to have another child, I’m not sure if it’s safe for me, especially given my obvious rapid fire ovulation. My chance for another multiple pregnancy, especially a high multiple pregnancy (3 or more), is four times greater than the average woman.

I’m not getting any younger, either. I will be thirty years old in March. Yes, the Big Three Oh. I’m totally excited, too. Twenty five freaked me out, but for some reason, thirty can’t come soon enough. I’m looking forward to buying our first home, watching the girls grow up, and achieving so many of my life’s goals. I just don’t think pregnancy, especially a complicated one, fits in there anywhere. The past two years have been the most stressful, terrifying, and frustrating years of my life, and while there has been immense joy and many a blessing, I can’t imagine going through all of this again. I can’t imagine my family going through it again, especially since we have two children to take care of now.

I am lucky and I am truly blessed.

I am thankful to have two beautiful little girls and a healthy heart again. I’m thankful for my family, especially my mom and Ryan, who have been in the trenches with me these past two years. It has been a tumultuous and grueling path, and while my dream of a big family slowly drifts off, the relief that this journey is over and that a new and happier one awaits, is probably the number one thing I am thankful for this year. This decision doesn’t come without tears and sadness, but I don’t want to go through this ever again. I admire Bethany’s strength and courage and am so happy that her story ended the way that it has, with a healthy heart and a good prognosis for a healthy life, but I don’t ever want to walk in her shoes. It terrifies me to think that my girls could grow up without me, and while I would love to have more children, the girls are too precious to me to risk my life for that dream.

It’s so awesome how God will sometimes give a us a gentle reminder to be thankful for something that seems so cliche, until you really stop and think about it.

I’m thankful to be alive.

Never more than today.

Well, Droid has returned! Except they forgot the SD card and the case, the SD card being the important point here. I was going to post my Healthy Hot Chocolate recipe today, but I can’t take pictures without the SD card! I mean, come. ON. I feel like I can’t have hot chocolate until I get it, which just totally sucks because it’s supposed to snow tonight. (giddy!) I have another old card, but I need to delete all the info on it first. ANYway, that was my long winded way of saying, today I’m taking you on a trip down Pinterest Lane all the way to The Drool Pool. I have several Drool Pools just to keep all my pins straight, but don’t worry, I won’t lead you astray. I’m linking up with The Vintage Apple today, so come join us! I’d love to see your favorite pins of the week! (click on images for their source!)

The first pin has nothing to with The Drool Pool and everything to do with coffee and kids’ play things. We’ve all seen grocery stores, mini kitchens, and bake shops, but have you seen THIS?

Reese’s Peanut Butter Banana Bread

Look, I know I’m eating healthy (sans weekends, let’s be honest), but I can’t stop thinking about this cake. And now you’re drooling, too.

For the holidays: Deep Dish Pumpkin Meringue Pie (*or* body butter, just saying…)

If we have to eat veggies, they might as well look pretty!

And a little treat for my hair…

Tomorrow is my 300th post! I can’t believe it! I have NO idea what I’m going to write about yet, either! Hooray!

Also, NaNoWriMo Word count: 20, 387 (meaning I’m about 4,000 words behind. No worries! I’ll catch up!)

I dislike Starbucks. Fervently.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, and then again.

Why?

It’s not just the bitter coffee that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Starbucks had humble beginnings, like any great cafe. They opened their first store in Seattle, WA in 1971. I’ve been there. I bet when they opened that it was quaint and adorable. Now, it’s a madhouse full of blind thirsty tourists. Their goal was to sell high quality coffee beans, and originally turned down the idea of selling their now famous (mockeries) of espresso based beverages. They were afraid it would distract them from their mission. They eventually, as you know, began offering brewed coffee and espresso based beverages and the business took off like a rocket. That’s a good thing for a business, but not if they lose sight of their original goal, and in my opinion, they have.

Starbucks has created a monster that I don’t think they can control. They’ve become greedy, and because they have an unbelievable demand, they have to sacrifice quality in order to meet the needs of their customers. They have a genius marketing team though, I’ll give them that.

Why does their coffee taste burnt?

Most coffee roasters will roast their beans in small batches at a normal roasting temperature to bring out the complex flavors in each of the unique beans. They can achieve strong flavored coffee without the bitterness and burnt qualities, because each of the beans roasts slowly and thus more evenly. Starbucks, supposedly, roasts their beans at a high temperature simply because it’s faster. The faster they can get their beans roasted, the faster they can get them packaged, and meet the demands they have created for themselves. If they were to roast their beans at a normal temperature, they would have to open more factories, which means spending more money. They’re not going to do that. What they do instead is push the marketing for their flavored coffees, which disguises the burnt taste. Brilliant.

Did it happen over night? Probably not. They’ve most likely been turning up the temperature, slowly but surely, and your taste buds have been adjusting to your daily fix slowly, but surely, just like they knew they would. Through great sounding names, pretty pictures, and a whole lot of whipped cream, they’ve fooled their customers that they once valued. It’s not great coffee, it’s not even good coffee, it’s quickly manufactured, bulk roasted, bitter garbage. (Some people even claim that they flash roast their beans to disguise the inexpensive beans they purchase, but that could be a rumor. Would it shock me? Absolutely not.) Even Consumer Reports would agree that their blind tasters prefer coffee from a fast food chain over Starbucks.

More recently, Starbucks was caught in a scheme that, in my opinion, should have carried more than a $1575 fine. Want a half pound bag of Starbucks coffee? Well, they say, that’s a lot of extra work and packaging, so we’re going to charge $1.50 extra and then, not tell you about it.

Interesting that they can purchase a juice company for $30 million but they can’t manage to package their coffee in smaller bags. Are you tilting your head yet?

How about forcing small business owners out of their leases? I thought we were supposed to be supporting small businesses now. You know, building the economy, not monopolizing it.

We only have one Starbucks in my small town, and the customer service is ridiculous. Long lines, rude high school girls, the place is always a mess, especially the merchandise (how hard is it to dust and stock a shelf?), and yet, people are walking away happy and going back for more. It boggles the mind. Words like Frappucino and their new “Blonde Roast” create a buzz that no one will be able to quiet. Espresso is not a roast, it’s a method of preparation, but they sell you the ultra strong burnt bags anyway. I’ll say it again, it’s brilliant marketing, almost worse than a McDonald’s toy in a Happy Meal full of sugar and fat luring children, designed to Photoshop that bitter taste right out of your mouth, and it’s working.

Take away the bells and whistles, the sugary syrups, the whipped cream, and the whole milk; close your eyes and take a sip. That’s deception in your cup.

You may have heard of this new trend floating around the blogosphere. It’s called the 1001 Day Project or 101 in 1001 or The 101 in 1001 Challenge, or The Longest List of Goals You’ve Ever Made in Your Life, or The Yay, My Life Now Has Purpose; I Need Coffee List or whatever. I’ve seen these lists floating around now for about a year, but because the girls have been going through the first year of life, there was no way I was going to complete any tasks other than bottle, diaper, nap, repeat. The time is now! (insert large crescendo of classical music here) Three of my blog friends have composed their own lists, too, so it was time to get on the ball. (Check out their lists here: Ally, Shana, Hutch)

Directly from Day Zero, this is how it works:

About The Project

Welcome to Day Zero, the home of the 1001 Day Project. A unique challenge that inspires you to set and achieve your personal goals in life.

The Challenge:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple challenges such as New Year’s resolutions or a ‘Bucket List’. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips, study semesters, or outdoor activities.